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A Message from Michele
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MLC, I was asked to split up and now to leave home #2280130
09/12/12 06:11 AM
09/12/12 06:11 AM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 9
summersnow Offline OP
New Member
summersnow  Offline OP
New Member
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 9
This is my first posting. English is my second language so hope my post is understandable.

I am 33y/o and my huband is also 33y/o. Two month ago after my husband came back from his business trip (he goes to business trip every other month and stays two to three week), everything changed. He always said I love you to me and cared our three dogs (we don't have kids.) He always brought smile to home and cared so much our marriage and work.
After this time of his trip, he came home with no smile no talk. He seemed so depressed and was not the person I have known. After two weeks of observation of him, I finally asked him to sit down and talk to figure out what happened to him.
He started conversation with "I don't know if I love you. I met ex-girlfriend this time. I am not hoping anything with her because she has kids and family. But I don't know if you love you. Sorry."
I was so shocked and paniced especially because our birthday was coming in a week (one day apart) and he canceled our birthday trip. I am not the person who break something due to anger. But this time I was so upset and broke a couple of photo frames which had our photos in. I got calm down one hour later and approgized him for what I did.

We started marriage counseling by seeing the same counselor each by each. He went there twice but nothing changed. I went there once only because he quited it and the counselor was not someone I expected.

I wrote several letters to my husband since our conversation was getting less and we became so emotional when we tried. I said in the letters how much I love him and need him, and I am willing to change anything if he has something he does not like about me. I also said we should work on instead of quick decision making, divorce. He did not respond it.

He gave a letter to me a week later, and it said he wants to start divorce process. He actually went and saw a lawyer and got some information about divorce process. He also asked the lawyer about his business plan. He has a plan to start a new business, which I also have known for a long time, and he was told to hold it until divorce settled down because of money.
I was reading many books including divorcebusting at that time so did not cry, yell, nor debate it. I just said I need time to think about it.

Today, he asked me to sit down and talk. He again asked me what I would like to do. I told him I am not willing to divorce but would like to try and save our marriage. I didn't beg him just told him. He told me that our marriage was over. He would like to restart his life without me. He said he wanted to have kids. So do I! But he said he would have family annd kids with someone not me sometimes in the future. Then he gave me a paper that he created, which explained how to divide our properties. He asked me to leave soon with three big dogs.

He will go to business trip from tomorrow again and will stay at his coworker's house after comes back (He started to stay at hotel from a month ago. So technically we were separated for a month.) He told me that our house was his and he didn't have to leave from this house because he paid. (I came here from Japan and have been here as house wife no job until a year ago. I have a job now but don't earn enough to pay the home loan. He has asked me to stay and do house work so I didn't pursue my career for a long time.)

I will have a first telephone coaching tomorrow but cannot be sure if there is still hope. Could you please give me some advice? I know I will get some after telephone coaching tomorrow but I need some hope. Is there anyone who had similar experience and actually saved marriage?

No kids
Speech of "I don't know if I love you" on July, 2012
Found EA on July, 2012
H started to stay at different places from August, 2012
H asked D on August, 2012
Re: MLC, I was asked to split up and now to leave home [Re: summersnow] #2280266
09/12/12 07:20 PM
09/12/12 07:20 PM
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Jack_Three_Beans  Offline
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
Hi Summersnow, a very pretty name and picture.

I am sorry you find yourself here.

Get a lawyer, and protect yourself right now. The home is not just his, and there is no reason you should leave.

You can fix your marriage but you must protect yourself and your rights first. OK.

Find a REALLY good lawyer, one who will also let you set the pace. Do NOT sign any paperwork your husband gives you. Find a lawyer as soon as you can.

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK


Re: MLC, I was asked to split up and now to leave home [Re: summersnow] #2280449
09/13/12 12:34 PM
09/13/12 12:34 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,169
Cadet Offline

Cadet  Offline

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,169
Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.

I would start with the going dark link.

The link for the resources:

Stages of the LBS

Doormat tactics

Standing vs leaving

Why they run:


Pursuit and Distance

Musings from AmyC

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template
which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.
(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.

I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H has given you a gift
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power.

Me-66, D33,S32

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

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