journalling: I've been reflecting so much on my BD even though I was the one who dropped it. But I remember the pain and hurt I was in this time last year and deciding that I had to finally end it after about 2 years of being unhappy. In some ways things are so so different and in some ways I'm happy that things are the same.
I didn't have to move like I worried so much about. We're in the same house, in the same town, and I enjoy where I live, I got to keep my dog.
Money is tight but my son and I didn't have to leave the country.
I'm in better shape than I have been my whole life. (I'm starting to get abs ya'll!) And I'm learning better ways to deal with things.
At work the other day a coworker was really angry and yelling about something. I had work to do it was like 45 mins until my deadline and there was nothing i could do to fix it. and I calmly said "I really understand why you feel this way and the unfairness has made you angry, but I'm not the one you should complain to" and she just deflated and said "you're right..."
I think before I was just existing in this controlling state and living my life in fear. I judged people, was defensive, thought I was too good for certain things and certain people. But it was all separate myself and not put myself in situations that I was uncomfortable in.
Every day I'm being more comfortable with discomfort. With not having everything planned out, laid out in front of me, or knowing the future. I used to always think two steps ahead and now I really try not to.
I do genuinely want STBXH to be happy. Partly because I don't want to be someone who carries around anger, hurt, bitterness etc.
When he dropped off S the other day, he started talking about his GF's family and all the things he doesn't like about them, and how they were driving him crazy, and how they just moved house and the new neighbour is already on his nerves. He doesn't want to make efforts to get along with people and I'm so happy that I don't have to baby sit his relationships with my friends/family anymore.
I'm learning that GAL is a way of life and that when I slip out of doing things I start feeling unhappy. I'm broadening my friendship group after pulling myself away from people for so long.
I don't really post here much anymore but I am doing really well and it's a steady learning curve that I don't think will ever end.
you sound so good! and it sounds like it will just get better and better for you. this has been a good thing for us, huh? i think we've come to realize that a lot of our stress and unhappiness we were in control of all along.
i'm so happy for you!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
This is my Cainer cast for the week: If the past is coming back to haunt you, why not go back and haunt the past? Give it a good scare. Show it who's boss. Take away its power to loom like some dark, menacing, cloud. Certain memories are so intense that they fill you with dread. Don't banish them, make them welcome. Think longer and harder about what really happened. Forgive anyone and anything that needs forgiveness, especially yourself.
Wow, what better to read on the anniversary of one's Bomb Drop. It's funny to think that I used to be scared of how I'd feel when this day arrived. Just like I was scared of how I'd feel when/if I heard that STBXH and his GF went on vacation together (that happened) or if/when he proposed to her (that happened too) And each time it wasn't as hard or difficult as I thought.
I've realised that a lot of my detachment problems come from control/ownership issues. When I was talking to my mother the other day I realised that after 20 years of being divorced she still feels as if my dad should answer to her in some way and it creates a strange dynamic between them. Yes they still live in the same town and see each other. He runs errands for her. I'm now seeing just how unhealthy this all is.
I think from a really young age I just used to push people to see what they would do for me and then think less of them if they didn't stand up for themselves. This is a horrible revelation. But I've recognised it now and I'm not doing it anymore. I would attempt to test their love or committment but it was a catch 22 because if they did what I wanted "proving themselves" I would then deem them unworthy. All this was subconcious but I'm seeing the pattern now. I saw it a bit with H but didn't see that it made me devalue him.
I don't think I can or want to be friends with STBXH anymore. When I see him it's seems strange to think that we were even together, he looks nothing like the man I first met.
I am still learning everyday even though I feel like I'm doing quite well in terms of the divorce. I'm still learning about being a better partner and how relationships work in general.
I'm becoming LESS of an over-analysing nuerotic haha I trust myself more.
you are so insightful.. yet again. i can really relate on the whole seeing ex and wondering what i saw. i see her now, and i wonder what i was doing. she is not nice and i am not the least bit attracted to her. she doesn't look as good as i used to think. her attitude is a complete turn off. her drama is something i can not deal with. instead of reacting in a jerky way, i am firm but not rude. i am polite because i choose to live that way. i believe in myself again.
you are on the right path and you will be fine. you are becoming the person only a fool would leave. don't give up. keep doing the work. it's nice when you can do it on your own timeline i think. i used to cling to these boards like a drowning person. i was drowning. because of the help i recieved here, i'm not anymore. i have learned so much about relationships and myself. i now do my learning and improving on my own timeline. i have some control back and it feels good. i control my own thoughts and actions. i dont always make the right choices, but i learn from the mistakes. there is something to learn in everything that happens.
hey... remember the strawberries? i'm eating them and enjoying them. it sounds like you are too! i am so happy for you. although i still wish this sitch never would have happened, i wouldn't change who i have become because of it. on friday i go in for my new tattoo. a huge phoenix wrapping my arm. i have been burnt by the fire, but am rising out of it. stronger and more beautiful than before.
bad behaviors do not have to rule your life if you choose to correct them. that is exactly what i have seen you doing for a long time now. you inspire me! i'm glad i checked in here today. keep it up brit!
Dakota
oh he11, i'm no longer dakota, i'm just me.. i'm Clay!!! lol it feels good to be me again. i havent been for a long time!
