Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 14 1 2 3 13 14
#2278417 09/06/12 07:55 PM
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 271
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 271
I am testing this out. Trying to start a new thread in the MLC forum.

Joined: May 2012
Posts: 271
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 271
Okay looks like it worked.
Today I went to my new therapist who did not recognize me and introduced himself again to me. ( I haven't seen him in 2 weeks and just had one session) But after listening to me he said I should ask my husband, since he says he wants to work on the marriage, what exactly working on it means. Rather than telling me to just be patient. Today he was primping and fussing in the bathroom like he never has before. Told me he has a late meeting and then is working out. Based on some things I told the therapist he said my H may be seeing the ow again and perhaps has consulted a lawyer because H was asking me alot of details about my former marriage (in which I was cheated on) and H said maybe I shouldn't have divorce that one because he wanted back after a few months. It's a long story but there were other reasons for the demise of that marriage. The therapist wants me to ask h to come see him to "help the therapist help me" He asked me to do that last time and my H refuses. I said I'd try again. Therapist agreed that H was trying to control things and not very forthcoming about whats in his head. Seems that I come off as a bother to H. He is not being mean but still sort of aloof and not affectionate.

Joined: May 2012
Posts: 271
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 271
H was being quite mean a week ago,and rude. Now he's being nicer, but reminds me of previous affair behavior.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Rachael,
Just my two cents...I think he's back in the game once again...affair wise. I don't know if it is an EA or a PA, but the primping and working out may be important clues. He's most likely being nice to you again because he doesn't want you to suspect anything and yes, he's getting attention elsewhere.

I seriously doubt that he will go to the therapist, even if it is to help you.

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 271
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 271
Hey snodderly,
Well, that is my suspicion. When he is real nice to me, I feel that it is due to guilt eating at him. I agree, he probably won't go to therapy.

What should I do? I have been cheerful and we haven't really argued like we used to in a while. I set boundaries. I feel at this moment that if he is seeing her I would like him to leave for being a liar. He had this big epiphany about us and made the big announcement to me, our priest and friends that he wanted to work on the marriage and things were good for one month then it went to hell after he sees her at work. It seems like we are stagnant. I am working on the marriage he is doing very little. He tells me to be patient while he figures things out in his head. I feel like putting a voice activated recorder in his car to find out. Because it's awful feeling like I am being deceived again.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Rachael,
I just hate it when they say that they want to work on the marriage and then do little to nothing to do so. I was told the same thing and all the while, he was involved w/the ow. Yes, my xh told everyone that "he" was working on the marriage too.

He's not going to be able to tell you "how" he's going to work on the marriage because technically, in his mind, he's done everything that he's going to do. I think they say this stuff to get us to back off of them so that they can have their cake and eat it too.

I would ask him one more time just how does he propose working on the marriage and if he can't provide you with suggestions or doesn't do what he says, then I would sit back and quietly wait because he will surely provide you w/more signs that he is w/the ow again.

BTW, my xh bought me flowers and candy for Valentine's Day and flowers again on my birthday and anniversary. He even wanted to go out on a dinner cruise in a thunderstorm in DC, just after I had gotten home from working in DC, for our anniversary. I knew then, he had been up to something and he felt guilty. This was a man that never, ever bought me flowers or candy, much less anything other than a card for those dates. They do tell on themselves.

Rachael, you are the only one that can determine when you've had enough. I prayed every change I got and I finally got my answer...it took me 7 months of his crazymaking behavior before I openned the cage door and shoved my xh out. Once he left, my health slowly returned to normal and my life got better, i.e., no more wondering what he was doing and w/whom, I knew where the money was going in my checking account and I didn't have to worry about the lying any longer and one huge thing...I wasn't walking on eggshells every day as well as him gas lighting me every time I found something out.

Rachael, pray and ask the man upstairs to guide you. He will not guide you down the wrong path.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 271
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 271
Hey snodderly
whats gaslighting? Is that making you think you are crazy like that old movie? I do pray every day. I have a book called the power of a praying wife. I also say my rosary every day. I have little prayers i say when I think of it too. I know God will help me out. Thanks for your advice.

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Rachael,
Yes, gaslighting is a way that your h makes you think you are carzy...just like that old movie. It's a way to make you second guess/doubt yourself.

The Power of a Praying Wife is an excellent book. God is listening and he will help you through this.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,987
Its so hard to learn to take responsibility for what we did contribute but not own what we had nothing to do with. In Alanon they say just keep your side of the street clean.

My H was gas lighting me for months. Blaming me for everything, making me think I was crazy because I was upset that he was leaving me and our girls. During those few months because my side of the street was not clean it was easy for me to be confused. Now that my side of the street is clean, its so much more obvious when he brings his trash over and just dumps it.

I highly recommend alanon even if you are not dealing with someone that is drinking.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

Joined: May 2012
Posts: 271
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 271
Hey Bklyn
what do you mean keeping your side of the street clean?

Page 1 of 14 1 2 3 13 14

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard