MLC w/Depression...trying!

[albamarie]

AlkalineThoughts- Thanks for these honest words, your are so right.

counseling is HARD HARD HARD stuff... bringing out things that your brain has been pushing back to protect yourself, having to face these things dead-on and work through them... I mean it's insanely difficult at times.

It also brings to truth that this is not going to go away, it's not getting better, and maybe I haven't seen anything yet.

[albamarie]

Thanks Tumbling for reading my unsettling posts here.

I went back to Doc on Sat. because we were out of time so abruptly. H didn't want to go so I went alone to find that the doc was glad so we can discuss everything h said and get to some facts.

The doc said I would never had been able to describe h to the point of understanding what has been going on for all this time. He said I have my hands really full and is amazed how long I have endured.

The doc is very familiar with DBing, the books, and this forum, using it for his patients for yrs. He is glad I am here and believes it's what has gotten me through some rough times without lashing in anger or just making things worse.

He did say that I am dealing with a bit more because though MLC is very evident by some of the things H said to him it is only the last of many other characteristics that have existed probably even since childhood (depression, on the Autism spectrum, BPD, OCD) just to name a few I guess.

In short the Doc said he wants to hospitalize him for evaluation stating that he is a good man, smart, full reasoning and extreme love for his family, but very lost, not broken though.

He believes with the right cocktail h would have back his logical thinking and not feel the need to retreat from it, (he saw h say all the right things, then pull away into his fog).

We focused on me after that with the doc telling me that he's going to go over boundaries with me, and how to detach for my sitch. He did say not all detach is good because I have to maintain that "light house", and to be careful not to give up my position.

He asked me if I had friends and saying no was too real. He was surprised but understands that a lot women go through that, so he has some work with me also

I'm not going to be afraid of C and it was nice to hear others stories about what c does for them. I told the doc that I feel there is an end coming, something, extrem, he seemed to have gotten that hint also just by H's conduct.

My prayers are not enough, I have called h's family, and all who have faith to help me get through this without tragedy, and maybe without separation of the m, but most of all with everyone is a better place.

[albamarie]

My parents just cancelled Thanksgiving at my house with an excuse that maybe we will all be tired with our busy schedules, so lets stay home and relax. I know it's about my H, I can't blame them, it's easier than saying they don't want to see him or exclude him.

H has said that he (hating holidays) would like to give some of his company to EA, she's not allowed at her families, he hates the day...so he says what does it matter to him....give her some company so she won't be sad and alone.

OR, if it's ok with ME can she come to MY house to be with a family, help cook, relax away from her horrible life, be with his good family to maybe help bring something out of her, WTF??!!!

Well, maybe I think TG should be spent with my kids, in a lodge at Wis Dells somewhere away from everyone who wants to turn the day into an opportunity for drama and disgust.

Can't wait to see what Christmas will bring

[Soul.Searching]

It's only been a little over a month for since my H moved out. For a little over a week I had myself convinced that I LHBNILWH I also tried to convince myself that I didn't really love him that much... Well last Sunday was hell I missed him SOOO badly!! I almost couldn't stand it. It's a strange, terrible feeling, almost like your body just feels... I don't know I've gone off topic anyway. I think it's normal to try to "detach" yourself and try to push aside feelings. Well at least that's how it is for me. Deep down I know I'll always love him.
The fact that he is still there, IMHO shows that there is still a lot of hope for you!

[timbits]

oh my. i would totally book something now so you can enjoy the day. i would leave it up for your h to decide if he wants to spend time with ow or come an dhave a good time. that would make me hit the roof, though.

how are YOU doing? any new GAL or taking care of yourself?

[AlkalineThoughts]

Wow Dawn... Although the news is a bit unsettling on the Doc's front, it's great to hear validation on your progress and actions. And maybe that hospitalization is EXACTLY what this sitch needs.

And as for Thanksgiving... Well go ahead and make some plans now, because I can't see how having EA over would go well.

Godspeed Dawn!

[albamarie]

Timbits- I would say I'm not doing a very good job at GAL, not sure were to turn especially as my two friends and parents are shying away from me because of h.

My kids invited me to the movies as their friends were excitably agreed, but I declined due to how late it was. They just want to get me out and hang cause they see my changes. My mom had a fit, told me to be with people my own age, boy I'm never telling her anything again.

It's not like I was going to get some beers with them after that, sit around bull-sh!tting. But, my mom loves to point out that my life is to bohemian for her liking. And, now I insist on staying with this crazy man.

Sorry, it reads in "sickness and in health" for a reason. Not in sickness the the hell out.

I am looking into volunteering and the village pantry in my town for the holiday's. I think I would meet lots of people while doing good. Also, I always organize toys for tots every year so maybe I will get more involved in that as well. At least I will be will more like minded people, and my mom can enjoy the air up there with my dad.

[albamarie]

AT- oh no I would never consider having her over. If it was any other sitch I would have been fine with someone less fortunate. My house has always been open, were ''that" house on the block for all the kids to hang even sleep if home [censored].

My S25 is a chef so I think some new recipes, maybe a little experimental dishes, and all who always drop by anyways will make for a good day, H can do whatever he pleases.

My D works that day so home it is...H will not overtake the other 5 of us in this house, I won't give him that power. There will be a few doc sessions to come before the day so who know's, I am trying to learn not to ASSume.

thank you for your words!!!

[nero]

hiya - WOW - YOU ARE correct - about the renegade clowns in your neck of the woods.

okay- this got long and tangled- i'm rushing out so no time to re-do- just glaze thru and chuck it if it's too much a bunch of junk. i'm not too organized. but i wanted to respond a bit-

i don't have one idea what "we"re doing for thanksgiving. i am jealous of your home & kids and I believe you'll have a fine time at home with them. maybe it'll be a good thing to be home with them and hunker down and support each other and laugh- instead of company and alot of fuss, etc. it sounds nice to me really. .

if the ow came to my house- you would shortly see a stupid woman with a stinking turkey stuck on her head running down the street with stuffing in her shorts and probably her skirt on fire. (oh okay- being chased by another woman with a long stick and foul language! (me no doubt!) ICK ICK ICK - how the heck he could say it out loud without choking on his own insensitivity - this must say alot about his mental state.

i feel not one stinkin bit of pity or feeling for this woman (or him too much really) sorry!!! . she knew me- she was a friend - she's decided to f me and go for it - she can go die and i would not feel the slightest bit of anything. it is her choice to do this to a person that was her buddy and it is h's decision too. they are crap people - sorry to report. i'm not sure what i do with this information with regard to him (in the end) - i'll deal with that when the time comes. i am not sure if he is worthy of my love- i'll find out that too i guess. i'm too sentimental- but i do not forget it is his choice too- i would not treat an enemy- dog or jackass this way-

all the feeling badly for h stuff is okay- but it does not touch me when i remember we all have free will and they've decided to not even consider me and my heart & feelings - i do not like being nothing at all to him except someone to blame for his own junk. oh well scarlett- tomorrow for that.


it sounds like your c is going well- it's kind of comforting and confirming to hear someone "official" express how very messed up poor ole h is- but not irretrievable. interesting.

I would never discuss my personal private life (love- health) you name it, with my mother. it's all about "making her kids tough enough for whatever life deals them" i guess (me being kind) . i'd never hear the end of it- i'd be blamed for causing it- i'd be chastised for being stupid enough to endure it- etc etc etc. she's actually a good woman- but when it comes to her kids- no mercy - if you're experiencing troubles of any sort- you're the guy that's goin down. it's your own fault- no matter what- and sympathy and support is not something she can "do". sadly- i don't think it's personal- just some self- preservation thing she's got going that makes her deathly afraid someone related to her will NEED something from her- more than she can or would want to give? i don't know- but wow if you've chatted iwth yourmom./ you're a better man than i am gunga din.

PEOPLE PULLING AWAY- I AM SO sorry to hear tht about your friends, it's soo hard. i feel abandoned by my family a bit- all 4 sisters i have(had) have been divorced. it takes it's toll- it does not make them understand what i'm doing or trying or why. they do not understand- they cannot. i think of my sister that died- i never ever understood even a tiny bit what she was feeling and going thru (when her h left) she was broken- had a breakdown and never really ever got bck to being her old self. it devastated her- i still didn't get it. duhhhhh. i wish she'd spoken up to me- gave me an idea how huge - something to have made me understand more. & better . i feel badly about tht and will til i croak- BUT , i can see that no one , except someone whose done it- felt it- etc.- can really "get it.". still - i was a blind dope- poor little her.

here is only thing i do wonder tho- if i were a gazillionaire - would i be doing the same thing? i wonder. it is no fun at all to think of extreme poverty- been there- done that- short time but got the point totally. it is no joke- also alone-ness - it's no joke to the person having it. all the friends in the world can have all the opinions in the world- at the end of the day it's you that's sitting there alone on the couch at nite watching tv- with nobody to have fun with. the end- me too- it's only me here. not them - they can judge from their comfy little houses and lives and marriages- but THIS IS MY LIFE- not theirs. different rules for everyone.

my one sister has, i feel, definitely pulled away. the very one time in my life when I need support - she's all "i'm so mad i can't be around him - and she sure isn't being arond me" - it's all just too much for her i guess. poor poor her- afterallllll her own ups and downs and problems, etc. oh man- i don't 4ven know what to think- it's all about her i guess. it's a damn shame- but i'm too messed up to go there with her. if she's got to avoid me- because i don't drop everything and do exactly what she says - oh welllllll.....

people are wierd and sure show different sides when they are called upon to produce instead of the guy doing the needing.

i wish i lived in your neighborhood- then you'd have a friend nearby. i feel a bit like my h separated me from the pack too- he was soooo ocd (well, is soooo ocd, in general -in life.) whtaever is his new obs3ssion. i wish i'd been more clear-sighted 35 years ago. would it have changed my actions- probably not. anyway- i'm rather a bit abnormally home-body-ish- but working on it. i figure if i'm not dead - i can work on it and do something different. lets hope i'm rite. i'm particularly glad not to be dead or sick- so i'm going with that feeling of gratitude at least. i'm neurotic as heck about money and insecure- but i'm glad i'm not totally dirt poor either. ta da!!

you are doing the hard thing- for you the "right" thing because you wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't- rite? i guess me too- i do not pretend tounderstand all my mixed emotions and why i'm persisting, etc. i'm getting tired of trying to understand me and what is motivating me- i'm letting that go for the moment too. even my problems are exhausting me.

i'm thinking no matter what- we are "seeing it thru" to whateve the heck ending it comes to. if our guts say don't throw in the towel yet- and don't make grand gestures for effect or image (bravado) then we are being true to who we are. if we're giant romantic dopes (in the end) what the heck- i've been called worse.

here's my latest thought- i'm going to apply and get setup to do substitute teaching. i figure it would be out of the house, maybe fun because i like kids pretty much and they make me laugh- pay is somthing, kind of crummy- but maybe brain wise i'm a bit "washed up and washed out" at the moment to be very brilliant- but sitting kids i could do and might even enjoy. what about that for you? it's worthwhile and easy? (ish) anyway.

i took a couple computer classes at the local library- need to see what else they're going to hve there is a garden club somewhere around- have paperwork- haven't joined yet- but another possibilyty. a book club- - those are a few things i think i'd enjoy and might realistically do. I VISIT friends more than i ever have in life- just make myself call someone and go do it. even if i'm kind of bad at it- i'm focing myself to get the heck out of the house moer.

you have really been dealing with a heck of a situation. i find myself thinking "for better or worse" and i'm not een married. this jerk doesn't even think enough of me to commit and does not have one shred of caring for what my future will hold - or the fact that i have no legal rights - or i may be sick and tired myself of being a "border" in his house in fla- just clueless and maybe doesn't even care.

i don't know - i'm not thinking about it currently. somehow my brain is shut off about "it" lately- i'm gong with it.

when he left yesterday he said 'i'll miss you" - i nearly dropped my teeth. first time in years he's even expressed such a thing. i wish my heart felt more excited- i was just surprised and said i was. he said yeah, he will miss me - and i could only think to say" and yet you're leaving". tht is all that was there in my mind. sad huh? i wonder - when i remember certain things or think about certain things i can spin into a total rage- disguest- sad - despair, etc. i'm by no means detached. merely wierded out.

[albamarie]

Hi Lisa, hey thanks for the post. Sorry to hear your h moved out. Your right I have pushed everything I can deep down, but in the end I know it's not really that deep. Your bringing tears to my eyes pointing out that he's still here, there may be hope. Just remember just because your h is out there doesn't make it any less hopeful.

I have read that there leaving sometimes brings them back all the faster.

good luck!