Tomorrow is a New Day

[RegretfulLA]

Good plan, leave him be, and you focus on you. A big part of this whole program is letting them come to you, on their terms. You did well by leaving the house instead of getting in his face. I re-read my last response to you and it all seems so logical and nice... and then I thought, why can't these H's get with the program? Why do they have to be so obstinate?!

I think you need to fight for those massages - anything that helps you de-stress has got to be good.

I hear you on the questioning. My H was being such a royal you know what tonight that I definitely asked myself if it was worth it. I just keep thinking 2 steps forward, one step back....

[hopefulinga]

I managed to delete the entire post that I was typing. Sometimes I just love technology.

I do get the massages, I just take her with me. She sleeps on the couch. Would it be better as private time? Yes.

H came home in a better mood, which I know can be attributed to the fact that I didn't fly off the handle like I normally would. I don't know why I cannot express my emotions appropriately and lash out at him instead. I felt like he didn't need me, which upset me. And I am also tired of him taking on charity cases and people mooching off of him. There is no way I can express that without him getting mad at me. I also get mad because I see him give other people more patience in cases where I know if I were in the same shoes, he would not. And why do these people feel like they have to compete with me and one up me?

H thanked me for dinner last night and told me that it was good. After that, I steered clear of him. I did use my computer a little bit, which put me in the same room, but otherwise did other things. He did let me kiss him on the head last night. I'm trying to do this without him thinking that I am ignoring him.

He went back to work today and all seemed ok. He stopped to let me kiss him good bye. I did tell him that I loved him and I got a muddled response. I do believe that he still loves me but is not ready to tell me.

It is 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I've noticed that I really don't have a lot of patience like I know that I need to right now. My life goes by so fast and I am so busy that I just don't feel like playing games. Also, my style is to get it out in the open, resolve it and move on. Not H. He likes to hold a grudge and can't deal with things. How many people do you know that would say they want to pee on the grave of an ex-spouse 20 years after the divorce? I've asked him to move beyond that but he won't. And I know these unresolved issues affect our relationship.

[RegretfulLA]

You and I have the same dynamics in our Rs. I also want to get it out in the open, deal with it and move on and H wants to hold a grudge. I can't see the positive in that but that's who we chose. Is H holding a grudge against you for any reason?

MWD's advice is NOT to say ILY. I know it feels natural to say it but it's part of backing off not to. I would also let him come to you for any kiss goodbye. I know I want to baby my H right now but I think it's part of pursuing.

I would just keep responding positively to any gestures he makes towards you but try not to be the initiator.

[hopefulinga]

I know MWD says not to say ILY and I try not to do it. I know H is insecure, so what is the break point? He accuses me of doing things intentionally, so I don't want him to think I am doing something to be cruel. He sort of does come for the kiss. I sit at my desk in the am to do work and he walks by and stops before he leaves. I do have to get up, but that was the same pre-bomb.

I know that I've slid backwards a little bit and need to backoff a little more. The mixed signals are confusing. I am still a little irritated today. I saw a quote this am that said "You are married to a human being. The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greener on the side you water." I would so love to give this to H. I don't get any water. He sure seems to be able to water everyone else, so yes, the grass is greener there. Maybe I am being too negative today. I just don't think he will change no matter how much I change.

Does he hold a grudge against me? I don't know for sure. I can think of a few reasons that he may. I've apologized for anything that may cause him to hold a grudge. He's never said it outright, but he does dig up stuff from the past. Maybe hurt and can't forgive? Sometimes I think he isn't cut out for M because he always wants to cut and run and doesn't put the time or effort into making it work. M#1 5 yrs. M#2 3 yrs. He's told me I am not the person that he wants to grow old with and sit in rocking chairs on the porch with, although I once was.

For my birthday last year, he went to buy me flowers. The floral shop he used apparently had closed. He called me to tell me that but didn't try to go anywhere else. I got no card and no gift, no dinner, no anything. He told me he was too busy to do any of that. He was within 50 yards of a card shop and D asked him to go in. He told her he was too busy. What was he too busy with? Looking at a golf cart with his BFF.

The year before that, he was too busy to take me out to dinner, but a friend wanted to throw a party at the airport the day before my birthday and he was all in.

For Mother's day this year, I asked him if we could go to lunch together. He said yes and then had a friend come along and was more worried about making sure his friend was happy and could find something on the menu at the place I chose. At dinner, he said I'm sorry you had to cook your own mother's day dinner. Again, no card, no nothing to acknowledge me and all of the work I do for this family. No offer to take me out, etc.

The pattern: the inability to think outside of himself and see that I am a separate person with my own needs. Will detaching change that? I don't know. I honestly don't think he will notice.

Does that crush me and make me get unmotivated? Yes. Was he always this way? No. Do I question why I am putting myself through this? Yes.

[hopefulinga]

I'm so mad right now I'm shaking. It will take all I have to not unload tonight.

I texted H earlier to see if I should buy eggs for Sunday breakfast. He texted back that he would be gone the next 2 weekends. I texted I knew about next week but not the week after. Where was he going. No answer. So I called him and he says oh, some friends called him this am to see if he wanted to fly to the bahamas with them and he said yes. I told him that I had plans that weekend. He then said he had to go because he was busy

I sent him a text that said I would appreciate it if you would check with me before you make trips. I had plans. No answer.

H told D he would take her to pick up a present this afternoon. She called him and he said he would call the person and he would call her back. I headed to the airport to drop her off. H is climbing on the motorcycle, never called D back. I told him that I need to run errands and D didn't want to go with me. He said he worked all day and was tired and was going for a ride. I worked most of the day as well.

This may be enough for me. I'm tired of being a doormat. Between the last 2 weeks and the rest of the month, he has plans/trips all but 1 weekend. None of which he talked to me about before he planned them. And I am supposed to GAL how? No wonder I am miserable and a bitch. I can get out and enjoy myself. And he wants a D? How will he do all this and have the 50/50 custody he wants?

I am so negative on DB right now. The trip I took in August was the first one that didn't include a trip to my family's in over 3 years. I haven't taken a trip with H in who knows how long. 2006?

I don't know if I should cry or scream right now.

[hopefulinga]

Just had a minor blow up and I did my best to state my position and draw some boundaries.

I don't think H was listening. All he cared about was how busy he was and his plans. He was shitty in speaking to me and yelling at D. I asked him what the problem was. He said he is working 7 days a week (his choice) and we won't leave him alone (not true). I told him that I was working a lot as well. I told him that I needed to get things done as well and it was not fair that he was going away all the time and that maybe he should re-think his plans. I told him that maybe I should go away, as I already had plans. He said, well all I got was a text. And I said, and when were you going to tell me about the Bahamas trip? He said he had just gotten the call, which is different than what he told me earlier. Then he said he was going to tell me when he had a chance. No reason why he couldn't have picked up the phone after he told his friend yes. I then said, I need you to check with me, why can't you do that? No answer. He just told me to go away, which I did.

So I am supposed to check with him first and he is allowed to make all kinds of plans and then tell me about it later? Or not tell me at all.

I did not yell, and tried to be respectful, which is hard when you are getting yelled at. There was no way we were going to have this discussion in peace because I would be "challenging" his "right" to do these things.

[Walking]

Hi Hopeful - I'm hopeful for you too!!

I know that you have probably explored all the options available to assist in some way with taking some time out (for both of you) from D16. I understand and completely respect how committed you are to caring for your daughter, but we know the experience around the world is that families need support to manage highneeds children and particularly as they get older.

Are there any services or networks in your area you could tap into to get both a change of scenery for your daughter, but also some respite for you and H?

As high needs children get older, they benefit from additional social interaction and new routines.

The pressure of caring for your daughter will continue to be a hot button issue for both of you - and perhaps if you've always done everything for her, getting some help might be a 180?

For what it's worth.

Blessings. V

[hopefulinga]

Thank you so much, Walking. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your thoughts. Today has been very rough.

I live in an area where there is not much for people with developmental disabilities, unfortunately. I am involved with a group that is trying to get some programs established. I am trying to get her involved with some acitivites, like Special Olympics, but she is resisting. I hear many parents talk about how difficult it is.

I have always cared for D, to my own detriment and the detriment of my business. Getting help would be a 180. I know that I can hire a babysitter, but I am tring to conserve money right now. I also don't think that I should have to. Somedays I feel like a single parent, which makes me not fear D. I would only fear the first few times that I had to be apart from her.

There may be some respite available, but from what I understand it is some type of reimbursement. The city I live in has never had anything for kids. I checked after she got her diagnosis. There will be more stuff available after she turns 18.

I am aware of a place that will take her overnight until she is 17. I have to pay for it, but I am genuinely considering doing it and getting out of town for a night, even if it is by myself. I hate to think of her as an anchor, but sometimes that's what it is and it is so unfair.

[hopefulinga]

My 20th college reunion is the weekend of the 21st. Since that is, as of right now, the only weekend H will be around, I am strongly considering going. I think I can get airfare relatively reasonable. I am trying to conserve money, however.

It would be a little awkward for me, as I am not someone who likes to go places alone, so a definite 180 if I go. I will also have to brush off the where are H questions. I know that some of my friends are going, including one of my roommmates whom I haven't seen since we graduated. I will have to strongly contemplate this over the next few days, before airfare goes up. I just need to make sure H isn't going to pull one of his fast ones on me and make plans.

[RegretfulLA]

Well girlfriend, I just went to my 20th. Actually, that's where my H discovered my "sexting" and he actually flew home in the middle of the reunion leaving me in upstate NY with my 2 kids. Not classy behavior on either one of our parts.

I had a great time other than that! You should go, and just let everyone know your H is home with D16. You let him know ASAP you're going. Put it in writing - but you're a lawyer, you know that! You owe it to yourself to go if you can make it work. Have fun, GAL!

Sorry that things are so rough with him at the moment. He definitely sounds like MLC to me and maybe you should try detaching. Being nice hasn't seemed to have helped, so maybe try something different. I know that's very, very tough. But you are at a breaking point with him. I would re-read the section in DR and see if that helps.

Hugs!