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A Message from Michele
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Re: Hoping it's not too late [Re: MandyRwaw] #2276221
08/30/12 11:18 AM
08/30/12 11:18 AM
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Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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What does his new GF think of all your correspondences?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: Hoping it's not too late [Re: MrBond] #2276276
08/30/12 03:00 PM
08/30/12 03:00 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,999
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AnotherStander Offline
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Mandy, I just wanted to thank you for your brutally honest posts, while it may not be your intent your story is actually one of hope and inspiration for me and no doubt other husbands who are dealing with WAW's right now. You're living my current greatest nightmare- that I will detach from my wife fully, start another relationship and THEN find out she wants to reconcile. I've told my inner circle that it's the worst-case scenario for me because then someone's heart gets broken regardless of the outcome- either my W or my new GF; and probably also mine. Your story gives me reason to continue to be patient and hope for my WAW to clear her own fog.

Right now you just need to be patient, it took many months for your H to get to where he is now and you can't expect an overnight R. Just as you had to sort through your issues, he now has to do the same. It took you many months, it could take him a while too. So be patient, read DB and DR (over and over again) and implement the lessons. Good luck to you!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Hoping it's not too late [Re: MrBond] #2276330
08/30/12 04:31 PM
08/30/12 04:31 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 110
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MandyRwaw Offline OP
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You have good questions Mr Bond! Not sure how much she knows about...she knows of the times we've met in person. Not sure if she knows about the late-night phone calls or the multiple emails each day...

From what he says she is being nothing but supportive & patient. That she "knew" what she was getting into when she started messaging him. She has offered to step away from their R three times, which he says shows how much of a giving person she is. The physical contact hurt her (of course!) and she won't be able to forgive a 3rd time (it was 3 times, but he told her about 2 at the same time...)

Can't remember if I've already posted this, but I've asked him to no longer include any mention of her in his correspondence/conversations with me. I know she's there, I know he still doesn't know 'what' he wants. I don't need to be reminded. It only makes me feel like the OW and his backup plan!

Re: Hoping it's not too late [Re: MandyRwaw] #2276453
08/30/12 09:37 PM
08/30/12 09:37 PM
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MandyRwaw Offline OP
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More journaling:

Wow - this is the longest period H & I have gone without contact in last 3 weeks. It's been 29 hours since his last message and it takes every bit of strength I have to not send him something. Especially today, with him going away with gf and all...

I'd like to wish him well on his trip, but just can't put it 'on paper'. I hope he has fun, just wish it was us going away - especially since this was one of "our" favorite destinations.

I'll spend the early evening catching up on a favorite TV show of mine, then will crack open my just-delivered-today copy of DR smile Then a little blue pill to help shut the world off for the nite & then tomorrow is a new day!

Hope to get news about promotion details tomorrow - always nice to have something to look forward to!

Re: Hoping it's not too late [Re: MandyRwaw] #2276614
08/31/12 09:54 AM
08/31/12 09:54 AM
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MandyRwaw Offline OP
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So I cracked!

I just couldn't *not* send a message for his trip.

I told him that I hope it is everything he wants it to be & safe travels

Not expecting a reply, just felt like I had to send him off.

Re: Hoping it's not too late [Re: MandyRwaw] #2276819
09/01/12 12:25 AM
09/01/12 12:25 AM
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MandyRwaw Offline OP
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Two things:

H wrote back: "nice to be here, but not quite the same" So hard not to read too much into that!!!

2nd thing - promotion news/update! Looking really good that our house will be bought out with my promotion/transfer.

And that makes me as happy as it does sad. The house has tied us together for the last few months. It's weird to think that it will soon be gone.

Also, I'll be moving to the same city as OW - that's really weird! And I think I found a place today, should know next week if that will be approved. (PS: I already made sure to find out what neighborhood she lives in, don't want to find myself living next door!)

So much happening all at the same time. Decided to wait until H is home from trip for an update to him on house. Nothing he can do while he's away and it will be stress on him for nothing.

Have a great weekend everyone! I'm off to enjoy some ME time smile

Re: Hoping it's not too late [Re: MandyRwaw] #2277168
09/02/12 05:12 PM
09/02/12 05:12 PM
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MandyRwaw Offline OP
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So H has sent an email for us to talk or meet tomorrow when he gets back from the trip with OW. Things he wants to say & ask.

I'm ready for the conversation whatever way it goes! If he went and had a wonderful time and wants to cut contact with me OR if he really felt like it wasn't the same and wants us to keep talking OR whatever it is he wants to say/ask...No hopes, no expectations...well, trying not to have hope...

On another note, I had a great chat with another couple who are friends of us both last night. Their advice for me is to be patient and consistent. And NOT to cancel the trip I booked for my birthday. Which I booked hoping he might want to work on M and that we would go together...I'm not ready to go on this particular trip alone - but I can cancel up to 4pm day of - so no worries...

Re: Hoping it's not too late [Re: MandyRwaw] #2277221
09/03/12 12:32 AM
09/03/12 12:32 AM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,694
ANS Offline
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Hi Mandy,

I donít hit the boards very often any more. To be honest, itís too painful considering the state of my own M. But I get the feeling that your H is in a state that my W was in once. My greatest wish is for her to make her way back to that place. But I think her mind is made up and even positive things are seen in a negative light.

The reason I mention this is that from what Iíve read in your thread, your H seems to want to trust you. He wants to want to reconcile.

I donít know if I missed it, or if you didnít get into specifics about what he doesnít trust you about, but Iím sure youíve already considered them, and are doing some 180ís on them.

You two seem to have had some classical communication problems, and lately youíve had some more intimate conversations than you had before. But you both feel thatís wrong.

I know you kinda feel like the OW, but you're his W! You lost your friendship somewhere along the line, but if you want to get closer together, it all starts with friendship. Close friends share their feelings. That means intimate conversations.

For what itís worth, I think you need to think back on the things that attracted H to you nine years ago, and maybe do some more of that. Those things are still a part of you. Doing those things would not be fabricated or dishonest.

On the negative side, youíve expressed regret for some things youíve done. Well, stopping those things is no more dishonest than doing the good stuff. All it means is that youíve become conscious of some mistakes, and decided that they do not fall within your value system. Itís called growth wink

The rest is up to your H. Nothing you can do except to be the best Mandy you can be, and wait and see.

Thatís what Iíve been trying to do for several years now, and I wonít say it isnít painful. But itís the way things are.

{{{{{Mandy}}}}}


Andy
Re: Hoping it's not too late [Re: ANS] #2277243
09/03/12 02:17 AM
09/03/12 02:17 AM
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Posts: 110
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MandyRwaw Offline OP
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Thanks Andy!

It's my gut feeling as well, just need to be patient and let him come to the same conclusion.

The trust issues stem from me threatening to leave twice, actually having left once, he doesn't want to risk being 'left' a third time.

Mine seems like such a different sitch than most on here - with me being the WAW who wants to go "home". You said your wife was in same position as my H awhile back too...do you mind me asking what got in the way??

{{{HUGS}}} to you too!

Re: Hoping it's not too late [Re: MandyRwaw] #2277314
09/03/12 02:55 PM
09/03/12 02:55 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 2,694
ANS Offline
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ANS  Offline
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Originally Posted By: MandyRwaw
You said your wife was in same position as my H awhile back too...do you mind me asking what got in the way??
The short answer is OM. It's a little more involved than that, but my W made a decision to "move on." She blamed me for the distance between us, and then put as much distance between us as she possibly could. She says they're just friends, and I suppose I'm still hoping that this is true. However, at a minimum, he has replaced me as her best friend.

I've always believed that love starts with friendship. I think my W can love me again if she lets me be her friend. I don't think she believes that is possible.

And as to your sit:
Originally Posted By: MandyRwaw
It's my gut feeling as well, just need to be patient and let him come to the same conclusion.

Yes. Be patient. It appears that your H is not as commited to OW as my W is to OM. And they haven't had enough time to build a friendship.

You have a common history with him. I think all you can do is to be yourself (the best Mandy you can be), and let him remember why he was your friend, and why he fell in love with you in the first place.

I've been M for 29 years. We have four kids, and our youngest is autistic. There's a lot of good times, and a lot of tough times. My W remembers the latter to the exclusion of the former. And she's enjoying herself with OM in the same ways she and I used to share. I can't compete with that. I still have responsibilities that I cannot shirk.

But I get the impression that you and your H are pretty much on an even keel in that respect.

I think you just have to be patient, and let him rediscover the good stuff. It's not all that far off in his memory.

And thanks for the {{{HUGS}}}


Andy
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