Hanging out, down the street

[JustStunned]

Thank you all. The last few days have been tumultuous and will continue to be so for some time to come. That is for us who have remained, to pass through.

Most people ask what happened.

The short answer is she felt or saw an opportunity to pass and loosened her hold on this life. I have heard terms like “slipping these bonds” used to describe this transition and her death was very much like that. That is the moment of her death was like that. She let go of this life. I honored her wishes. I let her go.

The long answer requires a bit more history and detail. I was present and I have a good memory. I’d rather not. She had good days Wednesday and Thursday. Friday morning was not such a good day and she was transported to a local Emergency Center. While she was in the ED she declined rapidly over three hours. She was coherent and speaking weakly with me 10 minutes before she passed. She was not alone. She did not struggle. I informed the attending she was DNR, comfort measures only. I began making telephone calls and asked if they could hold her body for family to view and say goodbye.

I sat with her body for about half an hour. Then waited for son, DIL, GD and daughter. SIL1 arrived with XSIL3 from Texas and took GD to babysit. Daughter was the last to arrive and we broke the news to her after she arrived. The children viewed their Grandmother’s body made their goodbyes and I released it to the mortuary. My sister arrived the next day and we’ve begun to clean and make arrangements.

Mom preplanned and paid for her service, still there are details and we were required to confirm the body was moms. Sister was not able to make her goodbyes and Mom wished for cremation so this was in a way fortunate. Most of the family assets were placed in a trust in 1995 and a limited partnership was created with sister and I as trustees for the benefit of mom, dad, and 1 other sister.

With mom’s passing the partnership is dissolved. My sister and I have contacted the estate planner to see what options we have establishing another partnership until we determine dispositions of the assets. Tentatively we’re trying to work out a way for my daughter, son, DIL and GD to use Mom’s house until they are better situated.

It all sounds like it is tied up nice and neat. I assure you it is not. Loose ends abound, the adult children are grieving and with frayed nerves are exhibiting some immaturity. Frankly they may not be able to occupy the same house peaceable. My sister and I are both strong personalities and we could easily come to loggerheads. I think we both know it and are putting extra effort into preventing conflict. The rest of this month will be long and emotionally arduous.

I don’t know if I will be able to make time to post again soon. Mom was very special to me and many others. I’ll be working on a eulogy for her memorial service at the end of this month.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

[~ kd ~]

Thanks for the update, JS. Take care of yourself. Times like these are stressful enough without the loose ends. Do what you need to take care of those as you are well equipped to do so.

[Rick1963]

My condolences JS.

[mkultra]

Truly sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. You are not alone. Again, I am sorry. It must be very hard and you sound strong.

[JustStunned]

Again, Thank You all for your condolences and support. I don't know how much time I will have in the near term to contribute here.

Mom’s memorial service was yesterday. Her church family arranged most of the service and the fellowship afterward. Several of my in-laws attended and SIL2 offered her memories. My daughter delivered a eulogy; I and my sister did not. There were many memories shared by the congregation.

She touched so many lives. So many memories.

We have a few weeks remaining to ready her home for occupancy. I do not know if the kids will be able to make their plans work. They have been squabbling one minute and laughing the next. They are focusing on minute details and most of the conflict is related to this change and the speed it has arrived in. There is some misplaced anger and feelings of inequality. I think these are outgrowths of differences in their grieving processes. I arbitrated one discussion and while I thought some conflict was resolved it boiled back up the next day.

This is not a place I can or should focus. I saw a need to move a conversation past a sticking point and offered to help. This is not something I will do routinely. They are adults and normally are capable of working through their differences.

My sister is in town this week and I must work the first three days. She is going through small items and making telephone calls filling my schedule and obligating me. Of this I am certain. It needs to be done and if she can schedule these meetings while she is in the area I will not need to spend extra time telling her how each of them went. We are 50/50 partners in this estate. So the more details we work through together the better.

Oddly I feel serene most of the time. There is some sadness still, but overall I am surprised by how fast and far I believe I have come through the change curve and grieving process. Doubtless some fresh challenge or insult will arrive to disturb me. I expect to be challenged and feel overwhelmed again. For right now though I will enjoy a minute’s peace.

[gunny]

Hang in there stunned, I have no doubt you will handle this next challenge with the same poise and grace you handled the previous one, my thoughts are with you,

[Underdog]

JS,

Sorry to hear about your Mom. It's never a good time to lose a parent, is it?

I know feelings are raw, but it's good that you and your sister are committed to working together. You're all you have left, and that's hard.

Take care-

Betsey

[paige40]

I am so sorry for your loss. take care of yourself.

[BeingMe]

Hi JS. I haven't been on the bb for a couple of months, and yours was one of the first threads I went to. I am so sorry about your mom passing. I never knew her, but by your posts, she seemed to be a very caring, sensitive soul. May she rest in peace. I'm glad she wasn't alone at the moment of passing.

The emotional part is bad enough without the post death stresses of the division of the estate. But, you will get through this.

Take care.

[JustStunned]

Thank You.
My thank you is heartfelt and sincere.
I have said thank you so many times to so many people over the past month I fear I sound mechanical and text does not convey emotion well.

The gamut of emotions continues. Mostly I’m good, much better than when X left.

I am not able to complete a eulogy for her. My emotions are too raw still. She was an anchor, a calm harbor and an inspiration during some of my worst emotive times. This is a void now. Yet I do not feel the sense of loss and identity like before.

I have privately speculated what my life would be like if I had been able to respect X wishes for a DNR on our relationship. To just accept that this is what she wished and not interfere from the moment she decided to leave our world.

My father was on only child and mom was the last surviving child. My sister and I remain. There is a sense of leadership here. Perhaps that is not the right word. I feel more so than before a responsibility to demonstrate an example to my children and those around me how to go forward.

As I have examples I hope to be an example. What would Chesty do? What would Chamberlain do? What would mom and dad do? These are not so much a standard to compare against as an example to gain ideas from. Time will tell and how well I do will be demonstrated by my children and perhaps grandchildren.

This is a chapter close much like my divorce was and like my divorce there are aspects remaining to settle. I just received the court paperwork appointing me executor. I have not looked at those yet. I understand there is a timeline and steps to follow. Those should be spelled out and my sister and I engaged an attorney specializing in estate law. There could easily be years of effort if I allow myself to dally.

Time for me to return to that work and complete a few more tasks.