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Joined: Aug 2012
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I have been separated on and off for over a year. He first left giving me the whole, we never should have married and have nothing in common speech in June of 2011. He was back in a couple of days. Then after pretending to try but not really he broke up with me on the last day of a cruise we were on in Sept 2011, 3 days before my birthday he moved out. For the next several months after that he did his best to avoid me. Anytime he felt he would lose me he would give me false hope then disappear again. This went on until mid-December when he wanted to start seeing me again to see of we were really over. We werenít. Then just before the new year I got a phone call from his mistresses husband. There were texts and pictures involved. He never denied anything and told me everything. At first he tried to downplay it but when he saw all the evidence I had he began telling the truth. Or so I thought. He left out a lot. Like that he was still in contact with her even though he said he wasnít. We began marriage counseling and we were getting along great. He moved back in during the month of January. By Valentineís Day I received another call from his whoreís husband. With phone bill proof they still talked and texted several times a day every day. He begged me not to leave him. Then in March while we were out together he took a call and walked away from me. My suspicions were up now and I checked the bill when I got home. Yes. It was her again. I said nothing yet. That day he said he didnít want to go to counseling. Just said he didnít feel like it. I still said nothing. I did keep my eye on the bills now though. And they were at it again. Back in February I heard him tell her on speaker phone to leave him alone. He told her we were together and he did not want her messing it up. I am rolling my eyes thinking about it. I also wonder how long before he called or texted her to say he had to do that but didnít mean it. About a week later he began pulling away from me. He was acting cold and angry all the time for no reason. Then in a counseling session he said he didnít want to blind side me but wanted to leave again. He felt it wasnít working and he never said he wanted to recommit to the marriage and needed to back off to find himself and figure out where he wanted his life to go. We would continue counseling he said. After he left he panicked a lot about me cheating on him. In counseling he was going on about how wonderful she was and how great she makes him feel. About how her marriage ended and heís responsible for that and would try to help her since it was all his fault. The counselor and I could not get through to him. He continued a couple more sessions and then started canceling them. In May he tried to have an affair with me. For a little while I went along but then realized he was just keeping me as his back up plan when he said he thought we were over and done but did want to continue sleeping together on a no strings attached basis. I was like so you want meÖ YOUR WIFE.. to be your booty call while you have a girlfriend? Not happening. A few days later he contacted me again and we began dating each other. He said he would get rid of her. He told his whole family and his friends he wanted to come home to me and get rid of her. Then he saw her and decided he loves her and needs to see where that will go. By this point I was emotionally exhausted. Our anniversary came and went and I said please just leave me alone now. But I had a hard time letting go. I texted and called and left sad messages. I was a mess. He kept ignoring me or giving me false hope. He would say he was so sorry this all happened and he would take it back if he could but he made no move to reconcile. He continued to ignore me. Most recently I tried to get him to talk but he would blow it off or forget. Last night I told him I give up. I left him several messages and said we were over and I get he was just trying to get me to take the hint and move on so he could not feel any guilt over it. I said in a few weeks I would call to discuss whatís next. I am devastated. I am heartbroken. I believe with all my heart this could have been saved but he didnít want to do that. I still believe he will regret this but is so deep in his fog he canít see it yet. She is no good. Everyone that knows her says she is a basket case with severe issues. She even sells drugs at AA meetings and he makes excuses for that even. She is perfect in his eyes and I am no good. A few weeks ago I changed my look, dyed my hair blonde and got a new style. He was floored. He kissed me. Told me I was so pretty. Again would be up for a booty call but no more because he is ďconfusedĒ. No he is not. Please. He is cake eating with no intention of coming back. Or if he ever had one like he promised with his false hope to keep me from moving on he wasnít planning on acting on it anytime soon. Now I am having a hard time with it. I wanted to save my marriage. I did everything I could but nothing worked. I have to give up and as much as I donít want to I know itís whatís best for me now. I am writing because I need the support of other people who are going through this and have been here. I need to go a few weeks before I can talk to him. I need to work on healing myself and not caring what heís up to anymore. How does the 180 work? Do these was ever contact you after you set them free? Or do they usually just keep the affair going relieved you let go?


WS moves out 9/11
OWH DD#1 12/11
FR#1 1/12
DD#2 2/12
WS leaves 4/12
WS tries FR#2 6/12
WS/OW move in 7/12
WS leaves OW 9/12
WS back with other OW 12/12
Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13
WS files divorce 8/28/13
Joined: Nov 2009
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Welcome to the board.

You need to let him go.

Get the DR book and read it.
Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.


Me-68, D35,S34
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Thanks... I am so fed up and even with myself. I feel like I acted so desperately at times. Then one day I just woke up and thought hey... I am participating in hurting me too... and I thought of all the stuff I took from him since this all started and it seemed the more I took the more he dished out. And he has re-written the story of our marriage. He has even changed my character. I am now (according to him) out at bars all the time. I got fed up defending myself when I am not the one who's done anything wrong. I've read these boards for months but never did anything about the advice I've seen. It's like my husband is someone else. Even his friends and family say the same thing. He's all wrapped up in himself now. Its hard to detach but I keep reminding myself being attached did nothing but get me hurt.

It helps me so much to see that so many other people are going through the same thing and their WAS are also acting the same as mine. It's almost like he's been possessed. He is a recovering addict and to me this behavior is like how he was when he was using.

So after I told him I give up I went quiet. Which is highly unusual for me. He called the next day. I hadn't texted or left a message all day. It must have caught his attention. He wanted to know how I was. Fine. I was fine actually. He had an attitude. Tried to push my buttons... I stayed calm. Let him rant. Then I asked him why he was so angry with me. He calmed down, did not apologize of course, and said he knows it's not me, it's all him, he's the one who did this. But even this was said in a way like I was supposed to say, oh no sugar, you are not to blame, there there now... but I said nothing. He said we agreed to talk once a week and to text hi sometimes to stay in touch. I said yes I know what we agreed and for the past 6 weeks you have blown off talking to me and ignored almost every hi text. On my way home from work he called, I let it go to voicemail. He left me a message about getting home safe and said, see I do care about you (eyeroll)... more to come...


WS moves out 9/11
OWH DD#1 12/11
FR#1 1/12
DD#2 2/12
WS leaves 4/12
WS tries FR#2 6/12
WS/OW move in 7/12
WS leaves OW 9/12
WS back with other OW 12/12
Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13
WS files divorce 8/28/13
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 68
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He says things like "I care about you"... In June, he was telling me how much he loves me. I want to say she is influencing him but he has just as much fault as she does and for all I know he's giving her false hope too and trying to keep both doors open. I am willing to bet she does not know he's in touch with me. They are no longer a "secret" and he spends nights there too. That is what sent me over the edge. That is beyond disrespectful. We are married and for him to think this is ok not only is stunning but this is not him... apparently it is but you know what I mean...

So later that night he texted me again, hmm, only a few dark hours and already a change... but I know it's nothing to get excited about. He said he was with his friends and could text me back,... the word "could" caught my eye. This set me off. I am your wife and you need "permission" to talk to me. Enough is enough now. So I said, A skank is a woman who will take what ever crumbs a man throws her way. She doesn't mind sneaking and hiding and being deceitful. A real woman won't play that game. I am a real woman. I have self-respect and class which is why you married me. No response. He never has one. He was supposed to call the next day so we could talk about our marriage and if we had anything left to save. I don't bother anymore, he's been "going to call" since July 4th. Then he texted me good night. For some reason these "good night" texts mean something to him. I think it's control. He thinks HE will control this and until now he did. More to come...


WS moves out 9/11
OWH DD#1 12/11
FR#1 1/12
DD#2 2/12
WS leaves 4/12
WS tries FR#2 6/12
WS/OW move in 7/12
WS leaves OW 9/12
WS back with other OW 12/12
Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13
WS files divorce 8/28/13
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 68
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So all day Thurs I was silent. Around 6 he left a message about how he's in a bad mood and listed all the bad luck he's been having and how he didn't want to take that out on me since I am not to blame and have done nothing wrong. SURPRISE!! Another excuse. I just said Karma is a (female dog) isn't she? Sorry you are having such bad luck. He texted me good night (these amuse me I think).

On Friday I was silent still. Nothing. Not a good morning. No smiley. I am done playing by his rules all it does is hurt me. And I am so hurt I need to self protect now.

Around 7 he left a message about how it was his friends birthday and he was going to dinner with them and where he'd be later. Said he would call me. I DON'T CARE. And when he got nothing for 3 hours he texted asking how my day was. I said fine. Then he started texting asking where I am what I am doing blah blah trying to sound friendly... he was digging. He wanted to know if I was in a bar. Yes, I go to the bar. My friends are there. I do not go often. Since July 1 I was in a bar 2 times. He seems to think it's the only place I ever go. So he asked point blank if I was at the bar... I said why do you make me sound like a party girl... he said forget it then by that answer I know you're in the bar. Actually I was on my computer playing games in my pajamas. Like I did every Friday night when we lived together. He seems to think I too changed into someone else overnight. More to come...


WS moves out 9/11
OWH DD#1 12/11
FR#1 1/12
DD#2 2/12
WS leaves 4/12
WS tries FR#2 6/12
WS/OW move in 7/12
WS leaves OW 9/12
WS back with other OW 12/12
Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13
WS files divorce 8/28/13
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 68
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 68
So now I am having a hard time going against everything my instincts tell me. I feel going dark will cause them to get closer but then I think not being dark was making them closer and hurting me because I had to witness it all and know I am being treated as second best now. At least this way it feels more like I am in control now. I pick and choose what I respond to. It's making him angry. Like I changed the script and he's trying to change it back. I want my marriage saved and I don't know if that will happen anymore. I used to be hopeful but the more I gave the more he took and I can't keep doing that. He keeps saying he is confused. Then says "when or if" he comes back. To me HEs dangling the carrot. I am in a mood now where I am wondering who he thinks he is... He is a lying cheater who destroyed his own marriage and he's carrot dangling to ME? Cause yeah now that everyone knows what you did to me, women are just beating a path to your door huh? And yes, I exposed him. All it did was bring them to the light. Not sure if they will crash and burn. The odds are against it but I feel like he is doing this because he "can" now. That if I were to really walk he'd come running.

I consulted an attorney about my rights. I am thinking of going legal separation. One to scare some fog out of him maybe and two because I do not want to be responsible for his debts should he get any - neither of them work. And to prepare myself for the big D should that end up being how this goes.

The sad part is, I know he loves me. I know it's me and you can see it when he looks at me. He says things that make me think he has regret but then he does things like push me away and be with her. So I know I can't believe anything he says or does.

How do you know when they are being sincere?


WS moves out 9/11
OWH DD#1 12/11
FR#1 1/12
DD#2 2/12
WS leaves 4/12
WS tries FR#2 6/12
WS/OW move in 7/12
WS leaves OW 9/12
WS back with other OW 12/12
Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13
WS files divorce 8/28/13
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,443
Likes: 31
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Originally Posted By: virgomare
How do you know when they are being sincere?

By ACTIONS not words.

Yes it sounds like he is reciting the script for this movie.
We all know it so well, monster, rewritten history.

Yes protect yourself, the separation may be a good idea.

Stay as dark as possible, keep posting, reading and learning.


Me-68, D35,S34
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So I had a blind date scheduled for Sat but canceled it because I am really not emotionally ready. I am going out and living and having fun and not sitting around but not yet ready to be back to dating. I will try again in a couple of weeks. I don't want to make myself more messed up and I don't want to drag a 4th person into the soap opera my life has become.

On Sun, first thing... before 9am even, I got a text. "How was your blind date?" I did not respond. Since telling him on Tuesday I give up he has stepped up, but this is all a game for him to regain control I think. At first he didn't change at all, like calling my bluff but maybe my silence spoke more volumes than all my texts and voicemails ever could.

Later on Sun night I got another text asking how my day was. It's been about 2 months since he did that. Ever since I said get rid of her and he did then went back to her he has been acting like I am the mistress he is trying to cut out of his life. And I know he will regret this. Every day I care a little less. And he is so caught up in his new life and thinking that there is no way I won't still be there whenever he feels like picking me up again I don't even think he notices yet.


WS moves out 9/11
OWH DD#1 12/11
FR#1 1/12
DD#2 2/12
WS leaves 4/12
WS tries FR#2 6/12
WS/OW move in 7/12
WS leaves OW 9/12
WS back with other OW 12/12
Said OW demanding we D 5/14/13
WS files divorce 8/28/13
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 81
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virgomare,

I'm so sorry about your situation. Hang in there, there is always hope. Reading it, I had flashbacks of my own story. The back and forth between OW and me, all the confusion and pain. Your H sounds very much like mine. Today, we are together again and reconciling. It is possible, if this is what you want. You can read about my situation and all the mistakes and stumbles I made on our way to marital recovery here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...836#Post2201836


M:12yr
06/11:IDLYA
07/11:Moves out
08/11:PA disc(began in May)
09/11:Moves w OW
10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt
11&12/11: Touchngo w me
1/12: Comes home-PA resumes
2/12: PA disc; PA ends
Today: Piecing
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 81
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Originally Posted By: Cadet

You need to let him go.
Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.


I agree with everything Cadet says. This advice is spot on. Work on letting go - for real. As long as he believes he has you, he will continue to play both of you. Stop worrying about what he says/does and live YOUR life to the max. Do those things you've always wanted to do, try something new, meet new people, go out with friends, stay busy so you have little time to think about him. You will feel better and regardless of the outcome of your relationship, you will be better for it.


M:12yr
06/11:IDLYA
07/11:Moves out
08/11:PA disc(began in May)
09/11:Moves w OW
10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt
11&12/11: Touchngo w me
1/12: Comes home-PA resumes
2/12: PA disc; PA ends
Today: Piecing
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