X demands full custody because I'm now engaged

[sleeper]

Kids or not, you are prolonging some of this for reasons I can't quite see. I'm sure protecting your kids and what they need are part of it, but is there something else?

She set up appt with this C after DS's comment but didn't inform me (of course she emphatically claims she did). I suspect she's fishing for some reason to file for full custody and she's been filling the kids heads with stuff too. One example was her telling the kids she had told me about the appointments but I didn't attend the first one. When I told DS I didn't know he replied, "Yes you did dad, mom told you."

Yesterday she commented to me in frustration that the C wouldn't meet with me that the two of us, "working this out with a counselor", was the reason for contacting the counselor in the first place. At this point I don't know and don't care what the truth is about her goals concerning the counselor. I started going for my kids. I don't think it will hurt anything to not go (but it might hurt if I didn't).

[Reincarnated]

Having a third party doesn't necessarily stop their craziness. I still vote to keep it to writing.

And I think my ex had ideas that he could have both women in his life, the wife and the girlfriend and all the kids together in some great big, twisted family. He would have made a great polygamist.

[sleeper]

I have a question, Reincarnated,

Is keeping it to writing to:
1) Avoid direct contact (verbal and physical).
2) Generate documentation (X would never write anything incriminatinating, if anything would attempt to incriminate me be making references to actions and words that never happened).

I totally understand the weird blended family fantasy they have. Fiancée says Im basically a glorified babysitter to X. I became Superdad when we separated to mitigate the pain and abandonment the kids suffered. I decided early on I'd rather they be with me than a babysitter. I know this played well into X's hyper cake eating behavior but it was about the kids as far as I was concerned.

Funny thing is I've been dating fiancée for three years. My kids always want to go to her house. Except for not living together its like we're already married as far as time kids spend with fiancée and hers. It makes no sense. I'm sure a judge would see that (among other things).

[sleeper]

X called DD, asked DD if they could have lunch together.

DD asked me, I responded, "no" it's my time and we have plans.

X calls my phone I don't answer.

X calls DD's phone, asked DD to take phone to me.

I take phone from DD, argument with X ensues (she doesnt understand that after threatening to take me to court Im not as accomodating as I was, wont let her have DD on my time).

X says she is on way to my house to get D anyway.

I cut convo short.

X never shows.

At least DD might now understand why I don't want to talk to her mother on the phone.

[Reincarnated]

Is keeping it to writing to:
1) Avoid direct contact (verbal and physical).
2) Generate documentation (X would never write anything incriminatinating, if anything would attempt to incriminate me be making references to actions and words that never happened).

Both 1 and 2. Number 1 is more important - you have to teach people how you expect to be treated.

I also learned to write very, very little. You can't explain your position, you can't reason with them. She will most likely not "see the light," or come around to your more rational viewpoints. In her mind, she is right and you are wrong.

You had an argument because you chose to participate. Stop participating, especially on her terms. If your daughter handed you her phone with her mom on it, you can state into the phone that you are unable to talk right now but would read any email she wanted to send. I wouldn't even put my ear on the receiver. Then hang up - no argument.

It took a long time for me to finally learn this lesson. My ex was an expert at pushing my buttons and gas-lighting me. I had the mindset that we could talk things out to come to some kind of consensus. But consensus was not his goal - me going along with all of his ideas was.

And if you don't like what she emails, if it untrue, you don't have to respond at all. The saying "You don't have to show up to every argument that you are invited to."

To end the conflict, I had to stop trying to talk to him. There was nothing left to explain, nothing left to talk about, no "meeting of the minds" was ever going to happen. Once he realized that I wasn't putting up with his nastiness (or any of his stuff), it got much better. If he tried to call, it went to voicemail. If he did catch me on the phone, I excused myself immediately and hung up if he raised his voice at all. At this point, we can occasionally talk for very brief amounts of time about a specific topic related to the kids, but stick mostly to texting. It is concise and keeps us on point. I can attest that he held onto the anger much, much longer than I did.

[sleeper]

She texted the kids informing them (not me) shed be picking them up at 11:00. Kids told me and started scurrying to get ready. Monday is our normal swap day but it happens after school, not 11:00 am.

I texted X and told her she should communicate with me and not kids on such matters. We texted back and forth then she called but I didnt answer. She then texted, "How can I communicate with you if you won't answer your phone?"
"Text me", I responded, reminding her she says she doesn't want to fight but we fight every time we talk on the phone lately.

Direct communication required.

Fight avoided.

Form of communication established.

Custody transfer boundary enforced.

I think I'm getting the hang of this.

[SunFunOne]

Sleeper: Good for you! Now make that boundary stick.

It took me a while to figure it out. My ex and I could NOT talk on the phone or in person. It always escalated into something awful. I finally stopped taking his calls. He refused to email. So, for a while - I sent letters in sealed envelopes and had D give them to him (which wasn't so great either). Finally about 18 months ago when our son was critically ill, I had him text for info and things improved. Now if he texts my son's workers (instead of me) - I have them reply that they are not able to make decisions about visitation or give info. FINALLY he has realized he must text me. The custodial parent. A month ago he texted me that he really needed to talk to me and asked me to phone him. I was reluctant (but did). I told him at the start that normally I do not like phone conversations with him as we don't have a good track record but that I was making an exception at his request and converse as long as he stuck to the points. He did and it was accomplished.

Even 11 years later - it is STILL difficult.

Barb

[Reincarnated]

Texting has seemed to take the spitfire out of the convos - he might still feel it, but it is hard to express it when you have to type on those little buttons! And now I don't have to hear it. Good for you... She might get a little louder over the next few attempts to draw you back in, but it will die down as long as you are consistent.

[karen43]

Sun-I agree with you about not talking on the phone. I put everything in email a couple years ago. I also had my X refuse to communicate with email in the beginning, but I emailed and told him that is how I was going to communicate. I kept at it; he would not email me back in the very beginning, just read them, but after a short while with me continuing to email, then he began responding to them also. He had told me he would not read my emails in the beginning, but I feel that I did my part communicating with him and if he chose not to read them then that was his choice. It is a better way to communicate, and it has been useful when we go to court also.

Karen

[SunFunOne]

My ex changed his email after about a year and he refused to give it to me! So text is the only thing I use now. Keeps it to the point - that's for sure.

Barb