Bklyn Still Here P2

[25yearsmlc]

Bkl,

here's the thing about your anger. Not just YOURS, but anger in this situation in general AND in your sitch too. I have given this so much thought the past few years. And read some books by new age author Marianne Williamson, who actually has great stuff on anger and fear, and older materials about forgiveness and letting go.


1) I could have gone line by line to argue your h's point of view above, about how hurt he was by your conduct and that you should not have "needed" to be told not to mistreat a spouse, that's it's obviously wrong and blaming him for not stopping you sooner, is more rationalizing, etc...

OR His pain about having his children witnessing that and I"m pretty sure he believes that it hurt them in some way to see that m as it was, before.


But you seemed to just be venting and not wanting to justify yourself, but instead to be accepting your pain/anger, so I chose not to go that route (even though I mention it, sorry).

2) Plus that^^arguing his side, might have made you feel defensive and then WE would be arguing OR

you'd feel worse with shame or regret. Regret or guilt TO ME, only helps if it means my conscience is making me think and then, changing my behaviors and actions.

Shame, if it lasts for long, is wringing our hands in a self loathing way which I sometimes think is a version of self pity.

Anyhow, shame seems counter productive and results in little self awareness or growth if we wallow in it.

3) Anger takes an enormous amount of energy. We have a limited, finite amount of energy and time for our lives.

So I think it's best to figure out HOW to improve our lives and that goes back to improving ourselves which is the first step for all of us. And the second step and the 3rd, 4th, 5th, and so on.

We change and we change and we evolve into becoming our best selves.

THEN we leave the results/outcome up to God,

we move forward in our lives with our heads held high, & we go in peace.

[BklynMom]

25, I totally hear what you are saying. I definitely dont want to go head to head with you in a line by line battle. It would make me into more of the old angry me.

But for me its revolutionary to understand that my feelings are right and justified even if I am totally wrong. Does that make sense?

Feelings are feelings and I feel hurt and that is neither right or wrong.

I feel so much better today after writing that post last night. I totally dont even feel angry today but I do still hurt, very deeply. For me not expressing my feelings at all is a big issue. Our kids have never ever seen H and I fight. In fact we only had about 4 fights over 9 years. We both kept our feelings bottled up. We were afraid to be angry or mad at each other.

We didnt know how to talk about problems so we pretended everything was peachy.

This forum and Al anon has helped me see that all relationships have challenges and we need to find reasonable ways to communicate our needs, our fears, our anger, etc.

DB and Al anon have improved my life in so many ways. I can totally handle issues that previously made me freak out.

One major thing for me is knowing I dont have to decide right this second. Sometimes before I make a decision I can come to these boards or call a friend and get some feedback. I dont need to take a survey per say but I dont need to respond to every minor thing as if a major emergency.

I totally feel myself evolving ever so slowly and I love it!

Is this a tangent?

Also 25 - I have read a lot of your post where you debunk the woman can have it all lifestyle or the "superwoman" and I totally agree with you. I I definitely lost myself in perfectionism of being a career woman and mom and wife all at the same time. (and maid and cook and driver and breastfeeder and...) It was toooo much.

Sheryl Sandberg and the others in the Woman can Have It All camp, really dont address some of the sacrifices that are made to supposedly have it all. Also some of these woman have entourages of help. I am grateful that I have the means to have someone clean my house but for must working moms that is not an option. It definitely takes a village and that is sometimes forgotten.

25 - again thats for your feedback it is really appreciated.

[25yearsmlc]

2 things,

I DO hear you about feelings. It's like someone who says "don't cry"...

I'm crying b/c I'm sad/frustrated or whatever. Don't tell me not to FEEL that...sheesh. Isn't right, isn't wrong. I get it.

2nd, boy I really do hear you about the whole woman's movement, of which I was a part.

I got pregnant in law school (married for 5 years at the time). I had NO IDEA I might actually love being a mother

AND that it might become more important to me than my job.

I literally never thought about that until it happened.

And the entourage thing kills me. Remember The Cosby show? A doctor/lawyer team like my h and me?

Except my h was not home for about 5 years...off and on (seriously, he worked 80+ hours, consistently and 6 days a week, often 7. I recall him having zero days off for 43 days straight.

He'd get home LATE and fall asleep within minutes. Don't know how we had other kids....

My kids would get chicken pox WHILE I was in trial....and there was no back up for me. No family around and no money at that time (h was a resident, not a staff physician)

and the more HE worked, the more I wanted to sah. And that made him feel like working/earning more which meant being home LESS

and that made me want to be home more...and so on.

Okay let's be fair to ourselves. Imagine you have an uber cool nanny AND a housekeeper on a daily basis, who SOMETIMES helps you cook when you are not in the mood. And the nanny can also shop for you.

Now can you have it all? (well, we can have a lot more!)

But I don't have a full time nanny or daily housekeeper...or anyone "assisting"

so I do what I can and say, to heck w/the rest.

when we win the lottery THEN we can write that novel...

[BklynMom]

Having my girls and being a mom saved me

[2chiquitos]

Hi B!
Checking up on you and wondering how you're doing. I went to a mtg tonite. It's been a very difficult week for me. I hope you're doing awesome.
Take care
-V

[BklynMom]

Hi V and everyone,

H called me last night to tell me has started to see someone. What a shock! (lol)

I just said okay thanks for letting me know. Then I asked if I know this person and he didn't give me a straight answer. Then I said is it who I think it is and he said I don't know who you would think it would be.

He is insane. He totally believes he didn't start a relationship with this woman last year. Last year they were just friends but now they are dating. Give me a break.

I am very saddened that my H is doing this to our D, they deserve better. I still own my part but come 'on.

[2chiquitos]

I feel for you Bklyn. That must've been hard regardless if it's been over a yr. Remember to parent yourself...

[NLW]

Hey Bklyn,

This part is so hard.

The only way i get through it is to think that it is a necessary stage of their journey.
They need to do this if they are ever to realise what they are missing in leaving their families.
It's vile and it's bitter - like old-fashioned medicine.

But we will get through this and be better for it.

[Walking]

I'm sorry Brooklyn. I'm also pleased for you that it's out in the open. This may not be very comforting for you, but he must have felt sufficiently safe to tell you about it finally. That's got to be a baby step hey?

Now is the tricky part. You will feel angry. Justifiably, because you know it's trickle truth, and you know he's manipulating you ...

The trick for you will be to use this experience as a true test of your growth. Let the feelings of anger and disappointment wash over you. You'll want to lash out. You'll want to hurt him as much as he is hurting you. You are stronger than that now. You can take this in your stride and demonstrate you are a different person.

You can do this.

((BM)) V

[2chiquitos]

Walking-that's good advice for me too! Thanks for your words of wisdom, "Let the feelings of anger and disappointment wash over you."

Thinking of you Brookie!