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#2267112 08/01/12 02:19 PM
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I've just started here so please bear with me.

Been married for 17 years. I moved from NJ to GA for H, leaving behind family, friends, etc. We have a 16 y.o. D with developmental disabilities.

Our marriage has seen lots of ups and downs for many reasons. I admit to being controlling and have tried to stop that over the past 4 years. I used to threaten divorce a lot to try to get H to behave the way I wanted. That stopped when I realized it was not what I wanted and that I was trying to control him. Everytime I threatened, he told me to "get my head on straight" and "to think about what I was doing" and that "the timing wasn't right for him".

In early June, we had a huge fight. I had been pursuing and he had been pulling away. He bought a motorcycle in May and had yet to take me for a ride but had plenty of time for his friends and I got mad. Instead of expressing my feelings positively, I attacked him. Over the remainder of June, we seemed to be getting on track.

On June 28, our D left to spend 3 weeks with my family in PA. On July 2, when I came home from teaching at 10 pm, H told me he wanted a divorce, we had nothing in common, the relationshiop had been over for years, etc. While not totally out of the blue, I was a little bit shocked. I told him that getting rid of me would not solve all of his problems and he admitted that he had isues at work, etc. that I am aware of. He told me I was going to give him a heart attack. I later learned of some of the issues that set him off that day at work and at home while I was gone.

On July 6 I bought the DR book. That was also the last time that divorce came up until Monday. On july 6, I asked him to reconsider for the sake of D and to try to work on our issues. He told me that reconciliation would be on his time and his terms and I said that was ok.

That night our AC died and I stayed at a hotel alone. I started to read DR and immediately connected with what I had been doing wrong. I also identified that H may be having a MLC. I also know that he has unresolved issues from a prior marriage (ours is his 3rd).

I started to use the "Act as if" and "Do a 180" tactics. I also used some of the Last Resort techniques. I stopped pursuing him, no more calls during the day no texts, etc. He told me not to cook for him, but I continued to cook (I have to eat) and he continued to come come and thank me for cooking. I've started to GAL and look nice on the weekends. Our anniversary was July 15. He came home early and I made a nice dinner. I made him breakfast, which I usually do on Sundays, and he asked if that was an anniversary breakfast. I was making note of the small improvements. While he was still somewhat cold, he was thanking me for the meals and talking to me about his feelings. I listened and tried not to give advice. Just told him I understood, tried to acknowledge him, etc.

On Monday, I could sense that he was angry when he came home. I also sensed that he didn't like what I cooked. He told me not to cook any more for him. I told him that I was sorry that he didn't like the meal. He then told me that I didn't understand where he was with us, that he was serious and I needed to move out. He told me that I was trying too hard, I was acting like a whipped puppy and smothering him. I tried to tell him that I understood his feelings but he told me that I didn't and got angry. I probably engaged him more than I should have. He also told me that I was acting as if nothing was wrong (the tears and pain have been private).

I pointed out that I had been leaving him alone and giving him space. I was really dumbfounded by the comments he made to me as I have been more distant than ever before. No cards, letters, appologies.

I'm trying to understand if the 2 methods I am trying to use are not working. I am trying to be patient and don't want to give up. I feel like he is mad that I am not crying and pleading, which is what I would usually do. I am trying to keep a smile on my face. I don't think this is really what he wants, but I know that I cannot change his behavior, only mine. While he tells me he wants me out, he still wants me to continue to do all of the errands, etc. that a spouse would do, such as getting his medicines at the pharmacy.

He is also wanting me to do all of the work towards moving and separating. I've decided that if he wants this so bad, he can put some effort into it. I am also not going to leave until we have a reasonable conversation about expectations, etc.

Thanks for listening. Any thoughts or feed back is appreciated.


M44 H57
D17 (special needs)
M 18 yrs
Bomb 7/2/12
Still living together
hopefulinga #2267135 08/01/12 04:11 PM
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Welcome, I am new here as well. I have found extra oxygen here to help me breath. You will too. Take a look at the 37 rules and read them everyday. I like to eavesdrop:) on the bootcamp posts between vets and newbies, it is a great way to get guidance on many different levels. It is terribly hard to share such an emotional and painful story, keep sharing and be open for input. That is what you are here for. You have a lot of stuff going on at once, just from reading your post you are working on multiple areas and trying to read results along with pointing things out to your H. What are your goals? What are YOUR actions that will work toward your goals? Patience, patience, patience...keep posting daily.


M 43 H 43
M 21
T 24
Bomb 9/2011
EA 9/2011
H moved out 10/2011
I filed for D out of anger 2/2012
H moved in with OW 3/2012
focused on blame and bitterness 9/2011-6/2012
found DB 7/2012
dj21 #2267148 08/01/12 04:52 PM
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Where can I find the 37 rules? Some of this is a little overwhelming to get a grasp on. Thanks for the tip on the posts as well. I will check them out.

I've honestly been trying to not point anything out to H until I got called a whipped puppy. I've kept my mouth shut, haven't brought up the relationship, haven't complained about many things that have gotten under my skin. Trying to act "as if" because I cannot cry and mope around all the time. Trying to "do a 180" so that I acutally listen before I respond.

I'm having a hard time defining my goals without saying one would be to stay married. I do know that I would like to GAL, after doting on H and D for the past 17 years and having no true friends down here. I would like to learn to respect H's feelings and opinions without having to agree with them, so that I don't "challenge" him. I would like to learn to communicate my needs in a positive manner instead of making accusations and attacking. I am a very anxious person and I need to learn how to release anxiety and not create scenarios in my head. I need to learn how to trust and believe in someone.

I am trying to focus on myself and my behavior, as that is all that I can change. For now, I am being very quiet. If H talks about something, I try to acknowledge what he is saying without engaging him too much further. The biggest thing I need to work on is walking away when he say things that hurt. I knew he was pissed on Monday and when he made the comment about not wanting me to cook for him, I knew we were rolling down hill but did not expect the D conversation. I should have realized he didn't like what I cooked and left it at that and not tried to engage him.

I am an attorney and have a very direct mode of communication. Not responding when I get attacked is very difficult. Also, not throwing barbs is hard.


M44 H57
D17 (special needs)
M 18 yrs
Bomb 7/2/12
Still living together
dj21 #2267263 08/01/12 10:57 PM
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Ok, need to vent. Didn't mention that last week H mentioned that he was messaging a female that we both know while I was sitting there. He was more friendly with her than I was. I think this may have been out of the blue but not sure. I was angry but didn't say anything. He told me how he always liked her laid back personality. I felt like that was a dig at me because I have been fairly high strung over the past few years. I was not that way when we met and I know it is a problem.

He was feeling bad for her because she is 7 mos pregnant and they guy left her. He acted like she had no control over the situation.

I found out that last night while I was teaching, he had dinner with her with our daughter so that he could help her program her iPhone. I am livid and am trying to do the best I can to control myself and not say anything when he comes home. When the D came up in July, he assured me that there was no one else, which I believe.

He's obviously had conversations with this woman since last week. I am going away with D over the weekend and am trying to not let my mind wander and cause a problem that may not exist. I would hope like H@ll he would not get into a relationship with someone pregnant, period, but especially while we are still married. I know that he feels sorry for people and tries to cater to them, which makes me mad when it is a female. So I am trying to believe that is the case here.

In just about every relationship he's been in, to my knowledge, he has been quick to find someone else or has them while the current one is breaking off. That gives me some concern. I know that I cannot change his behavior.

I am not good at the patience part quite yet. Any tips or ideas on how to not blow my stack would be appreciated!


M44 H57
D17 (special needs)
M 18 yrs
Bomb 7/2/12
Still living together
dj21 #2267273 08/01/12 11:34 PM
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After my venting post, I tried to catch my breath and get a PMA. I also started to ponder what happened to the half laid back half strung out person that I used to be. How did my life get so stressful and what can I do to change it?

I know that I have not validated H, shown him repect, etc. So, how do I do all of that and DB? I don't want to be overbearing.


M44 H57
D17 (special needs)
M 18 yrs
Bomb 7/2/12
Still living together
hopefulinga #2267327 08/02/12 04:20 AM
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Hopeful- Venting here is much better than venting on your H, good job. Keep posting. I find that knowing I can vent here keeps me a little more focused on maintaining my emotions each day. Keep reading DR, and define your goals. Solutions and actions is where you want your mind. Like the DR book says, look back to when things were good in your M, what was different? What were you doing differently?


M 43 H 43
M 21
T 24
Bomb 9/2011
EA 9/2011
H moved out 10/2011
I filed for D out of anger 2/2012
H moved in with OW 3/2012
focused on blame and bitterness 9/2011-6/2012
found DB 7/2012
dj21 #2267350 08/02/12 09:11 AM
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Hi hopeful, yes it's always better to vent here. You will find a lot of support and friendships here. Keep posting often


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
bustingout #2267392 08/02/12 12:53 PM
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Thanks everyone!! Venting sure helped. I was able to greet him in a cheerful manner last night. He sent our D to bed last night and stayed up to watch the Olympics. I got a little worried that D would come up after that, but it did not, much to my relief. Also, Mr. Don't Cook For Me came home for dinner, albeit a little late. No complaints from me.

I've seen a counselor for many years. I am going to start trying to explore the reasons I have problems trusting and what I can do to build more trust. I also know that I need to continue to work on my 180 and communication style. For instance, when H told me I was smothering him, instead of saying I was leaving him alone, I should have acknoweldged his feelings.

I am going to re-read DR this weekend. I'm also exploring what was different, and I've changed one big thing. I've drastically cut back my alcohol consumption to one drink or less per evening. I know that I can be nasty when I drink, even if I am not drunk. I am also less likely to respond quickly.

I know that I do too many things, which overwhelms me and stresses me out. I am going to try to cut back on some of these activities so I can GAL. Watching the Olympics makes me realize how much I miss being involved in Sports, so there is another goal!


M44 H57
D17 (special needs)
M 18 yrs
Bomb 7/2/12
Still living together
hopefulinga #2267435 08/02/12 02:59 PM
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Great job at "choosing" to greet him in a cheerful manner. In the DR book Michelle uses an example of how to "do" things we don't "feel" like doing. She states how her daughter wanted her to read a bedtime story, but Michelle was tired and didn't "feel" like it. Michelle wanted to be a good mom, so she read the bedtime story even though she didn't "feel" like it. This story I can completely relate to, I do things with my children that I don't "feel" like doing, and I don't keep score or hold grudges. Interesting how I didn't use this same mindset with my H. Just food for thought on a Thursday morning for you. Do something for YOU today:)


M 43 H 43
M 21
T 24
Bomb 9/2011
EA 9/2011
H moved out 10/2011
I filed for D out of anger 2/2012
H moved in with OW 3/2012
focused on blame and bitterness 9/2011-6/2012
found DB 7/2012
dj21 #2267466 08/02/12 05:49 PM
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Posts: 81
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hopefulinga,

I was reading your post from the beginning, and I immediately thought, there is someone else. Sure enough, as I kept reading, I saw that he has been in contact with another woman. In my opinion, don't believe the "we're just friends bit." If you have access to cell phone records, his email, text messages, take a look. Are there an unusual amount of phone calls or text messages to the same person? Suspicious or overly friendly emails? Private facebook messages? Is she his friend on facebook?

I know it's hard to believe, but I think he may be misleading you about the nature of this relationship. I know how it is, I was in denial too...for a long time. I believed his adamant denials. Until I finally allowed myself to believe that it was possible and found the thousands of text messages, tons of phone calls, and hundreds of email exchanges. At that point he was caught and had to stop lying to me in my face.

Another point, why is he asking you to move out? It seems to me that if he is the one that is disatisfied and doesn't like being around you, HE is the one that should move. Don't make it easy for him.

Also, the reason why he gets annoyed at you for cooking the wrong food, 'trying too hard', etc. is because he feels guilty as h*ll. He knows that what he is doing is wrong and he is trying to justify his behavior by blaming you. My H said the same things to me. He once commented that I was trying too hard because I offered him seconds on a meal I prepared that I knew he liked. LOL! He is going to try to rewrite history and make it sound like your marriage has been horrible all along and that he has been feeling this way for a long time, but just never spoke up. Again, don't believe it. He's trying to assuage his guilt.

Hang in there. Don't engage in any more R talks. Start GALing and detaching.


M:12yr
06/11:IDLYA
07/11:Moves out
08/11:PA disc(began in May)
09/11:Moves w OW
10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt
11&12/11: Touchngo w me
1/12: Comes home-PA resumes
2/12: PA disc; PA ends
Today: Piecing
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