So now you have forgiveness... what do you have to not repeat a 3rd time.... More forgiveness?
Inpain mentioned that not knowing the truth is a deal breaker for her. This is what she is struggling with.
Perhaps I misunderstand, but reading the posts I see no forgiveness. She's still bitter over a PA that she perceives may have happened years ago although her husband denies it. It sounds like this bitterness and lack of forgiveness is preventing her from feeling anything towards her husband. You say that not knowing the truth is a deal breaker for her, but her husband insists he has told her the truth and it is possible that he has.
Inpain, you will continue to be "in pain" as long as you can't let this go whether you remain with your H or not. Personally I always like to see marriages saved, so I would suggest finding a way to forgive your husband (but not forget) and try and build a better relationship in the future. But let him know that if it happens again there will be no 3rd chance. Give him boundaries and let him know that crossing one will result in the marriage ending immediately and be ready to follow through (this is discussed in DR). The alternative is to assume he's lying and end the M now rather than later. In the end all we can do is make suggestions, you know your sitch better than us. I wish you luck whichever way you go.
Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26 Current R: 4 years Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
inpain, I'm not sure if you're still around here but I hope you are and that you're doing better.
First of all, chatter's advise about detaching is excellent. I know that I had a hard time fully understanding the concept until I read this article . I hope it will help you too.
Secondly, I totally understand where you're coming from. There's no way I would have been able to move forward with my then-BF if he hadn't been completely honest with me and did everything I asked of him in order to heal. Not knowing the truth was not an option for me.
I have a friend here who says that people usually admit to one level below what they actually did. Seeing that your H will barely even admit to an EA then I think your gut is correct that he had a PA. You can either assume this is the truth moving forward or you can ask your H to take a lie detector test. Then both of you will know that everything is out in the open or it's a jumping off point for further conversations.
Another thing you can do is put a transparency plan in place. My BF gave me all his passwords so I could check his email accounts and credit card statements whenever I wanted. And check them I did, especially in the first few months of reconciliation. I also asked him to call me when he left work every day so I knew that he wasn't sneaking off to meet OW before coming home. He actually still does this three years later.
He didn't want to go to counseling because we went a couple times while he was having the A and thought the counselor would beat him up for not admitting it before. Instead we worked through the book Not "Just Friends" and I highly recommend it. It brought up several issues that we had never discussed before and shed light on the hows and whys of behaviors that both of us needed to change.
Yes, I had a hard time being intimate with him at first. I wouldn't let him touch me at all at first and then when I warmed up it was still slow going. I had a couple episodes when I started crying and we had to stop and talk about what was going on. I know I wouldn't have even gotten that far if I didn't know that he was doing everything he could to make me feel safe.
It took a long time for me to forgive him. It was hard and painful and I wasn't sure I'd ever get there. So I understand how hard it must be for you when you don't even sense that he was sorry for how much he hurt you.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
i just happened to read your last several posts. i've got a mlc h, pretty sure anyway. he's cheating away & has been for how long- i do not know. i always trusted completely and utterly- til finding out about ea - now, unfortunately i don't trust one word out of his mouth- nothing at all. it's pitiful. i share your mortification at how icky it is on a daily basis - and like you, i want to get "un stuck" - but am unsure still (1 yr found out about ea (s) for sure) (i'm thinkinf he was doing it all for three or 4 yrs before that. ow in other town(s). it's sickning isn't it?
anyway- he still sees her- i hate it absolutely. when he is not around me- he makes me sick. he is lots nicer- he thinks he can't (as in HE cannot) have sex with me. i think really- his guilt prevents him. i think he's afraid to try even- who the heck knows- i think i should initiate because it would be a great "healer" - possibly. i can't do it- i can't even think about it. i feel like i don't know this guy- so who the heck wants to with a wierd stranger? it's impossible without my brain being engaged and caring about this person. so , i know your quandry. can't go forward- can't go back- don't want to make a tragic mistake while i'm too raw & crazy- but can't stand it as it is.
i just wanted to say i understand & am there too- seems impossible nearly every day- but then i manage for one more day to make it thru the day and not run away totally. i'mnot sure why any more- i've KNOWN for 1.25 yr. I've speculate that it's been 3-4 yrs actually having affair- maybe some years before that e-mail affair. it's really incredibly disgusting to say this out loud i feel- but there you have it. my life has turned into jerry springer- i guess it happens to all sorts of decent people.
hope you find a way to cope- or an answer for you- or certainty or something. hope i do too- just wanted to say you're not alone. who ever would have imagined ending up here?
oh well- alive and healthy so far- so got that going for me. it takes it's toll - good luck- someone told me - "you can alwasy leave tomorrow". i've thought it a million gazillion times- i can always run away tomorrow- i guess whatever gets you thru one more day- one more nite-
someone else on this forum mlc - said view it as an automobile accident. it happened- no denying it. treat it like a car crash- stop the bleeding- address the wounds - oh hell- now that i'm trying to say it i can't remember exactly and can't find my original thread where it is-
anyway- point is- try and stop the bleeding- worry about rehab, etc. later. it helped somehow - it sure did happen and there's no "backs". accept that - and begin in the smallest of ways to move forward - even if it's only "stopping the bleeding" somehow- and taking the next breath -
Wow! Thank you both for your incredible in depth posts! You both say exactly what is in my head that I find difficult to express - I feel exactly the way you describe. I've been plodding along for all these months, pretending it's getting better I suppose, I don't really know. I think I know there's no way back anymore - not back to before it all happened - I already knew that was impossible - but now I feel there is no way back to actually loving him. It is almost 2 years to the day and I'm sitting crying, on my own after yet another argument about it and us both kind of agreeing it would be better to go our separate ways now. In one breath he says he doesn't want to and in the next breath he says he just can't stand any more of this. I feel dead inside. There is just nothing. I read what everyone says on here about forgiveness etc and I just don't know how it is done. His actions have destroyed my life, forever. I know some will say to me, probably quite rightly, that I have destroyed my own life by not forgiving. Believe me, I would if I could. For 2 years I've pondered nothing else but how to do it - read about how to do it - asked people how to do it and still I cannot do it. I just wish I could start my whole life over again. I'm so grateful to all of you who have tried to help, you are all amazing, thank you.
Nero dear, that's exactly what I'm feeling too: try and try and try again to forgive, put the red sign in front of my eyes when I start thinking again and again at the ow which I think is not part of my h's life anymore, changed myself for real, but still cannot move on, one day still think about leaving and the next one thinking I'll begin to heal somehow. Some people say they managed, I didn't. Maybe we'll never do. Don't know what to do. I read the stories here and that helps me a lot, but I know in my soul that I'm not moving on in my life, just destroying myself day after day.
Even if the partner having a EA or PA stops, the damage is done and it is very hard to move forward without working through it. If your partner is not willing to talk to a coach or counselor with you to help you move forward, then I suggest you do it yourself. It is what Michele and her coaches are experts in. Moving past infidelity and getting your relationship back on track doesn't just happen. I can guide you to the right coach that can help in your situation.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 email@example.com
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