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Joined: Nov 2011
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STE, you are truly getting it! It's hard won but it's worth it.

The "bad a$$" or "bit@h" protects us from opening up to feel.

So true, so true. So how do you keep that bit@h from reappearing? I'm asking not as a challenge but rather an explanation because I think many of us here have that alter ego we'd love to squelch.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 207
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By separating our selves from anothers actions and choosing to love them. I think some people, myself included confuse boundaries with detached love. Kinda like how you love your toddler in spite of their acting out behavior, focusing on the positive and ignoring the current tantrum/phase.


Me-31 H-24
D3,D2
M 4 yrs
WAW(me) 12/2011
role reversal 03/2012
(H)PA 3-6/2012
(H)D filed 6/2012
D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012
I've moved on 9/2012

Joined: May 2012
Posts: 207
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H sent me a text saying "this is the picture that (d3) sleeps with every night. Attached was a pic of my daughters and I at a Christmas party last year.

He had this frame up in his home, even during his ow phase. I would look for excuses to go in his house just to see if it was still up. Now here he is months later and he's sending me proof that not only does he still have it, but that it's looked at every night.

I didn't respond. Didn't know how to, just being still.


Me-31 H-24
D3,D2
M 4 yrs
WAW(me) 12/2011
role reversal 03/2012
(H)PA 3-6/2012
(H)D filed 6/2012
D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012
I've moved on 9/2012

Joined: May 2012
Posts: 207
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My heart longs to be loved. Not because I need it, or feel incomplete without it. I think it is human nature to want to be loved. I believe that I am a great woman, that I have so much to offer. I know there are men out there who value the same things I do.

I know it exists, not just in the movies. A man that looks at me and is so grateful that I'm a part of his life. A man that holds me and breathes me in, and his heart just races. A man that supports me and is proud of me, is honored to have me by his side. A man that cares for me and loves me back to health when I am sick. A man whose favorite place is on the couch, with me in his arms. A man who doesn’t mind leaving home because he is so happy to come back to it, and me, at the end of the day. A man that wipes away my tears and kisses me when I am sad. A man that doesn’t get restless with daily life, because he knows the little things are what mean the most. A man that makes love to me and holds me in his arms as I fall asleep afterwards. A man that believes in maintaining his own relationship, whose grass is always greener than any other side, because he does not allow it to die or become overtaken by weeds. A man who looks forward to the changing of the seasons and the new memories that will be created.

I know it exists. I know I'm ready for it. I know I deserve it.
________________________________________________________________

I wrote that exactly a month ago. It was more of my heart's wish list than something I ever thought I would have. Tonight I realized that person does exist, and is in my life.

Tears fill my eyes as I type this, I feel so humbled and grateful.

4 years ago I married my H, and after the first year it went down hill. So much that by year 3 I became the WAS. The 4th year has been spent in this limbo situation.

I can honestly say that I'm not mad at H, I don't have any negative feelings towards the way he has treated me over the past several years. If you don't know better, you just don't. I think this sitch IS that life learning lesson for him, though I feel the Lord isn't done molding him just yet. My role in this lesson hurt, but I understand it was meerly a role. So again, I don't judge, and can look back detached.

There comes a time where you have so much love and acceptance that you let go. It doesn't feel like you are turning your back on something. It just feels like you are opening yourself up to compassion, acceptance, love, and anything that life brings you. Like pouring the contents of a fish bowl into the ocean, not knowing what's out there, but knowing everything will be ok.

So I have reflected, grown and loved myself. I began thinking about my future R, and it just unfolded with such ease that it feels as natural as breathing.

Life has brought me a wonderful man. He works in the hospital with me. We have been friends for 2 years, and we have been chatting more often for the past few months. Little did I know, he was patiently waiting for my walls to come down, as he says.

We have spent so much time together, esp these past few days, and it just clicked. My heart opened. And everything in that letter up top? That's him. It really is. And like I said, my eyes fill with tears, my heart is so humbled. It feels so natural, so easy. There's nothing holding me back, I have nothing to be scared of. It's like you try so hard to create a door when there is another door AND it's open. Just had to let go of that knob and look in another direction to see it.

Obviously a divorce still needs to be granted, and H and I will always have some sort of a R co parenting our little girls-but this chapter of my life is over and another has just begun.


Me-31 H-24
D3,D2
M 4 yrs
WAW(me) 12/2011
role reversal 03/2012
(H)PA 3-6/2012
(H)D filed 6/2012
D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012
I've moved on 9/2012

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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I have to say this, go slow.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 207
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Joined: May 2012
Posts: 207
Not sure why I'm updating, but I am...

H text me the other day that he needed me to take the girls early, he had become homeless and didn't want them sleeping in the car. A few hours later I come home to him and the girls waiting for me. It was a first time in a while that he had been in my home. He was so awkward, so uncomfortable. Couldn't sit relaxed on the couch,couldn't look me in the eye, his eyes kept tearing up but would change his focus and gather his composure. It's like him being in my world is uncomfortable for him.

I really don't know who he is or when he's lying. Who knows if he was homeless, out of $, whatever...something about him was just off....is just off. So unatractive on so many levels.

Worst part of all is I had just goten released from the hospital THAT DAY with pneumonia. I sounded terrible, was obviously struggling and he didn't even notice or care. He would see me struggling to breathe correctly while doing something with one of our D and would just sit there, in his uncomfortable daze.

So I really got to thinking...this guy is going to be jobless come Nov 4 when he gets out of the army, has no type of security or $ to his name and is now homeless. Unstable and irresponsible. So I made the decision that the girs aren't going back to him after my week. Now more going back and forth every other week, they are with me now full time. Idk what it would take for me to go back to shared custody-but it will come with some form of a legal inforcable document.

Seriously over this. I text him to let him know, and he didn't even seem phased. He wanted to know why (which is beyond obvious so I didn't answer)but didn't not debate the decision.


Me-31 H-24
D3,D2
M 4 yrs
WAW(me) 12/2011
role reversal 03/2012
(H)PA 3-6/2012
(H)D filed 6/2012
D deemed "inactive", closed 8/2012
I've moved on 9/2012

Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 89
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Good for you. He is in no position for that responsibility right now. He should realize this.

I am also glad to hear you have found someone special. Like labug said, go slow.

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