a new perspective

[labug]

Soul shaking stuff, STE. We must be in similar professions.

(((STE)) to you, too. It takes a toll on us, too.

[strongerthanever]

WTH. That's all I can say right now. Vets, I hope you're reading this...

H's routine for the past few months involves silence except the Sunday text asking how we are going to switch the girls. My answer is always the same...you drop them off at daycare, I'll pick them up from daycare (or flip it).

H's new routine is..."well I'm not using that siter anymore", to which I reply "ok, just text me the info for the new sitter". Hours later he'll ask if he can just pick them up from my house. In the end, it comes out that he has not fired the old sitter, what time will I be dropping them off? Don't forget such and such, can he just pick them up here?

Sometimes I let him, but last Sunday left me messed up, and I know that for MY own well being, it isn't good for me, so I chose to discontinue (stil detaching)

I embraced several 180's, all which seemed to have thrown him for a major loop. Too bad, this is about me. Anyhow, here's what happened...

Yesterday I get the ususal text, and the usual conversation unfolds...I'm left waiting hours for the "new" sitter's information. I asked myself-why am I doing this? Why don't you tell him where he can pick up the girls? So I contact my babysitter who has agreed to letme drop them off and let H picl them up. Cool. H texts me the new sitter's addres as I'm texting him my sitter's info. And here's where it all begins...

H-sends info

me-They are going to Spring's house in the morning, that's where you will pick them up for now on. I'll forward you her info

H-the new sitter doesn't have any toys or diapers yet. Can you bring them your stuff and I'll make sure you get it back?

H-wait, what?

H-can you call me?

(I forward info)

H-can you please call me

me-they will be there every momday by 8. Unless I get different info from you I'll assume I'm going to this new address to pick up my girls. Now there's no more confusion or need to ask every week.

(he starts calling, I don't answer)

H-but why can't you just take them to my sitters tomorrow and on your monday I can take them to Spring's?

H-can we do that

H-Is there any way I can get them from you tomorrow

(he is calling me like crazy, I turn my phone off for the night)

7:48 am today...
H-can you make sure they have their sippy cups

H-have you dropped them off yet

me-hey I'm not gonna rush their morning routine, they'll be at Spring's by 10 am for now on (H is at work anyway)

H-I can't get the girls at 10 (um, who cares?)

H-can you please answer your phone (H knows I don't do phone calls with him anymore, he curses at me and hangs up on me)

H start calling like crazy, again

H SHOWS UP AT MY HOUSE! He askes to come in, I say no. My girls are screaming. He's not gonna do this. He just can't show up unannounced when ever he wants. He bangs on the door, and I calmly tell him that if does not leave I will call the police.

H-I just wanted to talk

By this time I am dropping off the girls. The sitter and I chat and I get this text...

H-I'm not getting the girls this week

WTF??????? Really? He went THAT low? Sitter and I go over different scenerios, I decide to leave them there and contact his commander (he's in the army. Speak with the commander about everything, she promises to get an answer and call back.

Meanwhile, H informs me again that he's not picking the girls. Great. So I go pick them up and we go grocery shopping, staying in the area of my sitter's house. Commander calls saying that he WILL pick them up. OK, I go back to the sitter's house (my poor sitter) to drop them off.

H happens to pull up behind me as I'm parking.

H-Can I get them out?

me-no

His exow/supervisor was ordered to supervise him so she's in his car, watching everything. I'm not phased, I just think it was ironic.I kiss the girls goodbye, let them run to daddy, put the diaper bag on the ground, lock my car and go in the sitter's house.

Phew, that was a lot.

I would have left them there to wait and see, however, I have class tonight from 6-10 pm, then I work from 11pm-7am. So they would have potentialy been there from 9am-12am the next day. I'm not cool with that.

Holly cow guys! Craziness! It's like he's grabbing any litle thing to "get me". Not mind reading, he has had this pattern for the past 18 months. I'm just glad that I stood my ground. My ? is why? Why look for reasons to be dramatic? I don't bother him or anything. Just drop the girls off or pick them up. No need to contact me at all. So glad I have my own life and that this is not the highlight of the week. I am sad though that he was going to just givere up his week with the girls. he must not be in a good place

Back in the real world..

monday-class/give lecture
wednesday-zumba bootcamp
friday-zumba/state fair with friends

I'm sure I'll fill in the rest of the days. Oh! And I got two long haired burmeese cats, Nala (Lion King) and Raja (Aladin).

Anyhow, any vet have some insight into the craziness of this morning? I'd love to hear it

[zig]

oh stronger - i missed your post yesterday - didn't show up for me.

I don't know what to say - you handled that situation this morning in such a strong way - i am so so sorry you and the girls had to go through something like that.

you sound as if you are in an extremely strong place - are you sure you are ok - that sort of thing shakes up anyone no matter how strong they feel. are your girls okay?

just want you to know we are all here, on the blanket - and i know you're with us - but i bought a bagful of extra hugs just for you and your girls

let us know how it goes tonight and tomorrow and keep your back to that castle.

{{{{{{{{{{stronger }}}}}}}}}}} ((((((((((( D3 ))))))))))))) ((((((((( D2 )))))))))))

love zig

[MrBond]

STE you did an awesome job!

It all comes down to control. He enjoyed doing things when he wanted to and however he wanted to. When you put your foot down and decided not to take his crap anymore, then the rules changed. You stick to that because he's going to be even more childish.

You are doing an incredible job of establishing boundaries. He knows he can't push you around any more.

[strongerthanever]

Zig,

Thank you love!My girls are young enough, and I don't attract enough attention to it, that this morning was nothing, honest. I was more shaken up by the death in the ER that I had to be a part of. THAT is worth being shaken up over. My back is def to the castle. In fact, it's ugly and over grown with weeds. I'm at the blanket, promise. I know I have not been active in the other's threads, life has just been so crazy. I'm there in spirit. As always, thank you for your support.

[strongerthanever]

MrBond,

Ahhhh...big sigh. I'm throwin my hands up here. WTH is going on with him? Why won't he just leave me alone? I don't bother him, I don't even contact him. I just focus on me. I don't understand his need to start drama. Why can't he just focus on HIS life?

Random questions, I know. But stepping back and centering myself I think I understand. Dare I say I know I understand?

I remember when I was angry, always mad at something he was, or wasn't doing. We wernt even living together or even interacting, and I was always mad at him. 25MLC would get frustrated with me, telling me to keep the mirrior focused on myself. Said I was spinning my wheels. I sure was. The more I think about it, the more I remember feeling what I believe he is feeling right now. Mad. Don't know why, must be the other person, just mad.

I remember telling Zig about that anger keeping me company, distracting myself from the reality of my situation: I was all alone. I had to focus on me, not any one else.I was responsible for where I was in life. I can project the blame/anger all day, but it was me. Just me. Only when I realised that (with the help of members here) was I really able to let go, cry, release... That's when I reached a place where I was able to write H that long email where I reached out to him.

Maybee he's in that same phase, who knows. But I know better now. I know anger is a beefed up protected version of pain/fear. Acceptance, forgivness, peace is the only true evidence of a lack of pain/fear/anger that I know of. I also know that we push away and hurt when we really want to reach out and love. The "bad a$$" or "bit@h" protects us from opening up to feel.

(believing) that I understand where he is in life right now allows me to feel emphathetic, but I will not tolerate his behavior. I understand the importance of the boundaries that I have established and it helps me to maintain them. Idk if he will come out of this phase or not. To be honest I didn't like 25mlc because I didn't understand what she was trying to say. I thought she was just being mean to me. (I know better now, lol) My point is, you only hear what you are ready to hear, and I'm sure you can only grow as much as you are ready to grow.

[tonibertha]

Wow, ur strength is inspiring. Tho I'm not sure how his commander plays into him getting the girls. Is he doing it cos he's being made to?

[strongerthanever]

Toni,

Thank you. He wasn't made to, his b.s. was brought to light. Meaning, his mind games were not a secret, and his actions carry consequences. He can threaten not to pick them up if he wants to, but he now knows that I will take them seriously, and his command has my back. I truly believe it was a "I got you" tacttic, but his command making it serious made him realize this is not a game.
He really is a great dad, just not in the best place right now.

[MrBond]

STE,

Very true words. You have been listening. THAT is attractive.

[strongerthanever]

Mr Bond,

It was AJ that somehow opened my eyes. He asked me if I felt justified in my actions. My initial reaction was to say "but, but he...."

There is no but, there is no excuse, no one to blame or face, but yourself. Regardless of the way someone treats you or how justified you feel in your role as as a victim, you are responsible for your actions/reactions.

It took me 3 months to really get it, and that was with me being surrounded by so many wise mentors here. Yes, you too. Who knows if, when or where God will put such a person on hs path.

The only option for me is to embrace and love, let go and let God.

Mr B, your family is blessed to have such a strong, wise example of a man in their presence.