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A Message from Michele
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Re: A New Phase? [Re: willbwell] #2388730
09/27/13 10:50 AM
09/27/13 10:50 AM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 830
TX
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willbwell Offline
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willbwell  Offline
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BTW, I am GAL's. I have great friends and a great, supportive family. I am taking classes. I pray and am spiritual. I see an IC. all the right things...


M48 H50
M21 T26
S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old
PA confirmed 7/2012
H separates 9/2012
H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY
OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Re: A New Phase? [Re: willbwell] #2388770
09/27/13 02:52 PM
09/27/13 02:52 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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Florida
Originally Posted By: willbwell
Ive been all over the place, not sure where to post. I've known about H's A a year plus now. not sure how long it was going prior to BD. We are separated. he does his thing. I do the kids. I've been lied to. I have kept things amicable for the kids. Recently told H,I will no longer make excuses to kids why h doesn't call them back or text.usually, I'll say well dad is working or you will have to ask him. our youngest is handicapped so (I think) h will stay in the picture but of course it is already becoming less and less. have not instituded a visitation schedule. My next step. Getting tired of the disrespect, disregard, h has shown our family.



WBW, do you have your own thread someplace? I don't want to hijack Nb's here, but I certainly wouldn't advise you to lie to your children. The two oldest, especially.

"I have decided that I am no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair" was my stance, and the stance I recommend to others. That doesn't have to mean proactive exposure -- which is against DB/MWD teaching -- but more about not lying if your adult (or near-adult) children ask you a straight-up question.

Tough stuff.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: A New Phase? [Re: Starsky309] #2388870
09/27/13 05:47 PM
09/27/13 05:47 PM
Joined: Aug 2013
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peaceSJ Offline
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I heard a lot of affairs will not last longer than one year, and most affairs will not end up with marriage. Is it true?


M 18 yrs
5 & 7 yrs old kids
H DB in 4/2013
H moved out in 11/2013
Re: A New Phase? [Re: peaceSJ] #2388908
09/27/13 07:56 PM
09/27/13 07:56 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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Originally Posted By: peaceSJ
I heard a lot of affairs will not last longer than one year, and most affairs will not end up with marriage. Is it true?


Most don't, however:


I've seen wildly conflicting data on this, and it's debated pretty thoroughly on this forum over the years. No one's really sure where the "most affairs last six months" claim comes from. I think perhaps one-night stands are factored into that, so that probably pulls the averages downward.

I try to focus on how much emotional, financial and even medical carnage can be wrought each month the affair continues, and how much the emotional bond deepens, when encouraging betrayed spouses to fight like h*ll for their marriages.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: A New Phase? [Re: Starsky309] #2388910
09/27/13 08:10 PM
09/27/13 08:10 PM
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Wonka Offline
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I believe I read somewhere in Shirley Glass' Not Just Friends book that affair partners who marry each other and have long lasting marriages are only in the 3% range of success. It is a minuscule success rate, if at all. sick

No wonder it is best to ride out your WAS' affair...and let it die a natural death.

Re: A New Phase? [Re: Wonka] #2388926
09/27/13 09:00 PM
09/27/13 09:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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Florida
Originally Posted By: Wonka
I believe I read somewhere in Shirley Glass' Not Just Friends book that affair partners who marry each other and have long lasting marriages are only in the 3% range of success. It is a minuscule success rate, if at all. sick

No wonder it is best to ride out your WAS' affair...and let it die a natural death.



There are two very different schools of thought on this. Those who believe that affairs are highly addictive (and I am in this camp) correctly point out "How many addictions are you aware of that, if you just leave them alone, they will go away on their own?" Don't in fact most ESCALATE?

I'm not a big fan of the "Little Bo-Peep" approach, as I guess you can tell. smirk

The problem with the "3%" figure (and that sounds a smidge low to me, but let's assume it's correct) doesn't account for OM/OW #2, OM/OW #3, etc. Long-term successful relationships coming out of illicit affair partnerships might be very LOW, but the recidivism rate for more infidelity is quite HIGH.

Put more simply, they may not stay with their OM/OW #1, but if you don't seriously address both the infidelity and the marital dysfunction that led to it, you'll be staring down the barrel of OM/OW #2 very soon. And -- just as bad -- the betrayed spouse will ALSO be destined for failure in THEIR future relationships (assuming the marriage doesn't survive the infidelity . . . many do . . . mine did) if THEY don't address their own 180s, GAL, etc.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: A New Phase? [Re: peaceSJ] #2388959
09/28/13 12:16 AM
09/28/13 12:16 AM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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This should be moved over to another thread so that the thread isn't hijacked.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: A New Phase? [Re: MrBond] #2388961
09/28/13 12:26 AM
09/28/13 12:26 AM
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 155
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peaceSJ Offline
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peaceSJ  Offline
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Sorry, but I don't know how to move it...


M 18 yrs
5 & 7 yrs old kids
H DB in 4/2013
H moved out in 11/2013
Re: A New Phase? [Re: peaceSJ] #2406275
11/19/13 06:10 PM
11/19/13 06:10 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 482
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MynameisMZ Offline
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I've popped in a few times over the past 2 years to check on boards I've been on and followed. Nblost, I've been looking in on you.

I know what you mean about your own change. My H's A has been over for 3 years now and he is just starting to get in touch around what he did. He re-started therapy this fall and that has been very good. I went to therapy and it was supportive, but I didn't really start to feel better until he addressed his part.

He of course vowed to never do this to me again. I began looking at his behavior as an addiction more than anything else. I realized I should look not the 12-steps and that has helped. I acknowledged I am powerless over his behaviors. Then I found an e-mail dated 2/5/13 in September. It wasn't to OW. It was to someone completely different and a stranger at that.

So, what Starsky309 has to say rings very true. "....but if you don't seriously address both the infidelity and the marital dysfunction that led to it, you'll be staring down the barrel of OM/OW #2 very soon."

I took my wedding rings off. Will I be married in 3 years? I don't know. I do know that something clicked in me and I really understood, for truly the first time, that his behavior isn't about me.

I feel stronger now and it's in large part due to help of this board.

MZ


M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Re: A New Phase? [Re: MynameisMZ] #2422943
01/14/14 12:16 AM
01/14/14 12:16 AM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 299
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Nblost Offline OP
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Nblost  Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 299
Thanks MZ! I have also been wondering how you are doing. I'm sorry to hear about the email. This is a really tough road.

Further updates, I bought a house in October and that rattled H (still not divorced but we have now been officially separate/filed for D for almost 2 years). He said again he wanted to come back and has claimed he has broken up with OW several times). I've been resistant based on really not loving or respecting him anymore and I'm also not attracted to him. I feel terrible for our kids though so it's hard.

He took the kids with OW and her kids to Mexico again over the holidays. He seemed mopey about it but the fact that he went and continues to stay involved with her is also not attractive. He is very afraid to be alone.

I'm pushing on the divorce now that the holidays are over. I am expecting to have renewed pain over things...but I feel overall like I'm at peace and I'm happier now than I have been for a long time.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
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