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#2265884 07/26/12 10:21 PM
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I'm starting a new thread. I'm not sure how much more I'll post, but everyone on this board has been so supportive and helpful. I truly appreciate it.

My H has been in an affair for the past year (started in July 2011). I found out within 6 weeks and confronted him. He admitted it but wouldn't give it up. He went through months of indecision before I filed in March of 2012. H finally moved out of the house in July 2012. His OW lives 2,000 miles away in a city where he goes for work almost every week (and many weekends)

Our marriage had "flat-lined" and we were mismatched in terms of sex. H wanted a lot, I was comfortable with an average amount. We were also conflict avoiders and had a lack of true intimacy. I had also lost myself and wasn't happy.

I think the fact that H has now moved out of the house has been a good reality for him. He has made several comments to me over the past week about how he appreciates me and how he wishes he could see me more and our family could do things together. "I like watching you with the girls and you are such a good mom".

I told him that was nice, but I am trying to build my own life and need space and time to do that. I like doing things as a family too, but if we really want to be a family, then we should decide to work on our marriage.

He isn't saying he wants to give up the affair and his work is crazy...I'm not seeing what I need in order for me to consider having him come back. I think he just wants to continue to keep his options open.

I'm continuing to GAL and focus on myself. I'ts all I can do and frankly, I was running the other night with my new dog (yey!) and felt happier than I have felt in years. Considering I was ready to have a mental breakdown in the fall...I've come a long way!


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Nblost #2265893 07/26/12 10:57 PM
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Good for you! smile

Quote:
I'm not seeing what I need in order for me to consider having him come back. I think he just wants to continue to keep his options open.


It's good for you to be clear on what it would look like if he WAS serious about reconciling. He'd drop her like a hot potato, give you access to his phone and email accounts, be willing to date you without pressuring you to take him back into the house, etc etc etc. It can be good to form a mental (or written) list so that you don't confuse vague, "keeping his options open" "I just want to eat cake" behaviors with true attempts at reconciliation.

(Btw, I'm not judging one way or another the likelihood of that happening. Your H was able to live in fantasyland for so long, he's only now dealing with reality, and sometimes that really snaps them out of it. But I recommend you keep enforcing those boundaries - nice job, btw - unless he shows you clearcut evidence of sincere intent. And even then, you'd be well within your rights to say "No, I'm over it" if that's what you want to do. )

kml #2265906 07/27/12 12:09 AM
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Yes, if he really valued me and wanted me back...at a minimum, he'd tell me he was going to try to end the affair. I need the affair to end, no contact, full transparency, and an agreement to work on our marriage. I also probably need some changes in his job, but would focus on the affair first.

The counselor we talked to kids thought H would need 3 months on his own before he'd know what he wants.

I honestly don't know what I'd say if he wanted to try. Part of me would feel guilty not trying given the kids. Part of me feels done. I guess I don't need to worry about that until we would ever get there.

It's "funny" that one of my fears now is that his A ends and he wants to come back. I almost don't want to deal with having to decide what to do.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Nblost #2265910 07/27/12 12:15 AM
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Lol - yes, I'd be really bummed now if my ex ever tried to come back. I'm so over him. But luckily for me, he seems quite happy with his new fiancee (she came along about a year after our split - not a/the OW) and that's just fine by me.

Use this time to have fun and rediscover yourself. You may find that you'd given up so much of yourself taking care of him and his moods, that you're happier now with your life under your own direction again.

kml #2265923 07/27/12 01:35 AM
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Nb,

Thanks for the update! I'm so glad to hear you are doing well.

Although the circumstances of your h's and my h's (former) affair are different, there are some similarities, especially with what is going on with your situation now. My h's affair continued off and on for a few years. As I've explained to you before, he put me through hell and back during those years. It was only when I truly let him go, made him leave our home and accepted that the marriage was over AND he had to live life away from me and a few nights each week away from the kids (therefore losing that "family" time) that he was able to fully grasp what he was throwing away. During that time that he was out of the house, I really focused on making me a better and happier person. I took my focus away from him entirely, and my only relationship goal was simply to have a healthy co-parenting relationship with him. Otherwise, I didn't really care to talk to or think about him. As much as separation stinks at first and is hard for the kids, it really helped me with detaching. And trust me, he noticed (not that I cared) that I was changing and HAPPY for the first time in years. AND it was without him in my life.

I think your counselor is pretty spot on about the 3 months, although it may be shorter or longer. I think at first the WAS enjoys their new freedom, but it does get old and lonely after awhile. Like you, I was starting to enjoy MY freedom and the relief from no longer desperately trying to hold on to something that was no longer there, and he was becoming more and more miserable. I wasn't sure if I wanted my h back either, but at the end of the day, I knew in my heart I wasn't completely done. I, too, felt I owed it to my children to at least give things another try, but with some pretty strict rules and boundaries in place. I am beyond thrilled that things between us are going strong for 9-10 months now, but I also know that had our reconciliation not worked, I'd be thriving as well.

Yes, if there is a question of possible reconciliation on down the road for you and your h, there will need to be some strict boundaries established and enforced by you, including NC of any kind with ow and complete transparency. I also think he would need to change jobs in order to fully honor that. However, you can cross that bridge when or if you get there.

In the meantime, enjoy yourself. You are doing great, and I am so happy you are happy. Take care, and update when you can.

hugs, ncl

PS...for what it's worth, for some reason I just feel that your h's relationship with ow is going to fizzle out. I'm not trying to give you false hope nor am I trying to tell you to wait on him. If it does eventually end for whatever reason(s), I hope for his sake that you are still around. He is losing so very much in a wife and mother to his kids in you.


aka lc4 : )
ncl #2266651 07/30/12 08:17 PM
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I think H is having a hard time. He was just here for 8 days (in his new place) and to me, he's acting "odd".

For example, we were discussing Facebook at my D9's birthday party on Saturday. Back in January, I changed my profile picture to just be of me. H still has a picture of me and him as his profile picture. He's basically stopped using FB, so he could simply claim he just hasn't bothered updating it. Instead he said he hasn't changed his photo like I've changed mine "I'm not as over you as you seem to be over me". I didn't respond.

He's trying to be nice and offering to do random things around the house. I can't tell if he's just trying to alleviate his guilt or if he's really having some change of heart.

I think I should keep ignoring these signs unless he does or says something more significant? I'm just basically being "pleasant" around him. He can see I'm GAL-ing but I'm not really doing any 180s anymore. (mostly because I've gone dark and am detached)

I guess I just wait and see what happens. I'm going to continue living life for me and I won't worry about him.

I'm just frustrated that if he does have a change of heart--he's done and said so many hurtful things, I've started to move on, and we've both told several people about OW.

I would be curious to know if some of the luster is gone in his relationship with OW. He's in a tough spot because his friends and family have always all liked me...I'm sure they'd eventually adjust to her...but I doubt there will be quick acceptance...

I keep saying I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. I'm trying to enjoy it...I guess it's better than spending life waiting in line. :-)


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Nblost #2266663 07/30/12 08:57 PM
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Maybe just ask him, "Is this about my Facebook status, or is there something more significant you'd like to say to me? Because this stuff is all kind of childish, and -- frankly -- unattractive."

(or something similar)

Unless and until he's ready to re-commit to the marriage, he really doesn't get to tell you how to live your life . . . or your FB page. mad


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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It's not very attractive! It's actually kind of mopey.

He's gotten much better about leaving me alone...although there's still a feeling of manipulation that I get. And, he's very curious. I'm going to a charity event on Friday with a new friend (a woman) and I can tell he's suspicious.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Nblost #2267463 08/02/12 05:24 PM
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Sounds like you are doing a good job of detaching and GALing Nblsost. My H and I lived in limbo land like that for a while too. Until I actually moved on in my heart and mind and starting planning my life without him, he finally woke up and realized he would lose me forever. Until then, he was playing me and the OW keeping his options open. In my opinion, he needs to feel like you have moved on and he has lost you. When that happens you will know, because he will do ANYTHING to keep you, including no contact with OW, full transparency, changing jobs, etc.


M:12yr
06/11:IDLYA
07/11:Moves out
08/11:PA disc(began in May)
09/11:Moves w OW
10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt
11&12/11: Touchngo w me
1/12: Comes home-PA resumes
2/12: PA disc; PA ends
Today: Piecing
Some Day #2267471 08/02/12 06:08 PM
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Originally Posted By: Some Day
Sounds like you are doing a good job of detaching and GALing Nblsost. My H and I lived in limbo land like that for a while too. Until I actually moved on in my heart and mind and starting planning my life without him, he finally woke up and realized he would lose me forever. Until then, he was playing me and the OW keeping his options open. In my opinion, he needs to feel like you have moved on and he has lost you. When that happens you will know, because he will do ANYTHING to keep you, including no contact with OW, full transparency, changing jobs, etc.



Man, if I have read this (or something very close to it) on here once, I've read it 500 times . . .


That's how it works, folks.


whistle whistle whistle whistle


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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