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A Message from Michele
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Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: KeepingMyPromise] #2266567
07/30/12 03:27 PM
07/30/12 03:27 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
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KeepingMyPromise Offline OP
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I just read the book "Two Wars" by Nate Self. Self is an Army Ranger who shares his experience of war abroad and also within himself. It helped me understand what my husband may have experienced in a way I never have, how he may feel about himself, and also that my attempts at helping him possibly drove him further away.

I know this is the time to focus on me. :P I am wondering if I should share with him that I have a better understanding now, or wait until the time comes that he contacts me?


W (me): 40
H (WAS): 39
M: 4
Separated: almost a year
(Blended family with kids on both sides, none together)
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: KeepingMyPromise] #2266605
07/30/12 06:05 PM
07/30/12 06:05 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,010
NY
Cadet Offline

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Live it through your actions,
do not use words to express it to him.

What does the book tell your to do?


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: Cadet] #2266795
07/31/12 01:42 PM
07/31/12 01:42 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
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KeepingMyPromise Offline OP
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The author and his wife are strong Christians. They prayed through it. He got professional help, with the encouragement and support of family.

My situation differs in that help for my husband was forced because he was refusing to do it on his own, and now he feels like everyone thinks he is a dirtbag. He claims to not be a Christian anymore, and that he just needs to take care of himself without having to think about anyone else.


W (me): 40
H (WAS): 39
M: 4
Separated: almost a year
(Blended family with kids on both sides, none together)
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: KeepingMyPromise] #2266797
07/31/12 01:45 PM
07/31/12 01:45 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
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KeepingMyPromise Offline OP
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I meant to also say that when I would try to pray with my H after he changed, he reacted with hateful comments and would often leave the room.


W (me): 40
H (WAS): 39
M: 4
Separated: almost a year
(Blended family with kids on both sides, none together)
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: KeepingMyPromise] #2266804
07/31/12 02:07 PM
07/31/12 02:07 PM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 260
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timbits Offline
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Wow. Sounds like you are both going through a lot. Is it possible he suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? I suffer from complex PTSD from other issues (I did not serve), and it makes things extremely difficult, especially when you are going through the worst of it. I know this is fairly common amongst those who have served overseas.

I don't really have much advice for you as this is a different situation, but GAL is always a good idea. And protect yourself and your family. If that means getting a full-time job despite him wanting you to stay at home, so be it.

It must be so hard for you right now, worrying about his safety and well-being while also going through marriage issues. Hold strong and work on yourself, not for the M, but for YOU.


M:29
H:30
M:2.5 years
T:13 years
No kids
EA:11/2011
PA:01/2012
Bomb:02/2012
H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012
Trying to decide what I want for a change...
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: timbits] #2267005
08/01/12 02:41 AM
08/01/12 02:41 AM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
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KeepingMyPromise Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: timbits
Wow. Sounds like you are both going through a lot. Is it possible he suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?


Thank you for the words of support, timbits. I do think H is battling PTSD. He has admitted at times that he believes he has it, too. When confronted about it, he becomes very defensive and ultimately casts blame upon work or me. He is not willing to look inward and work on it or accept the help that is being offered.

That has led me here and I know I have to focus on myself and my children now. It is painful because I am a caretaker and nurturer at heart. I want to fix him, but I realize that my efforts have only made things worse.


W (me): 40
H (WAS): 39
M: 4
Separated: almost a year
(Blended family with kids on both sides, none together)
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: KeepingMyPromise] #2267462
08/02/12 05:18 PM
08/02/12 05:18 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
K
KeepingMyPromise Offline OP
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KeepingMyPromise  Offline OP
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K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
Yesterday morning I woke up feeling empowered for the first time in a long time. I have let go of the "need" for my husband to change. My focus is now on the other important people in my life, the ones who want relationships with me. smile


W (me): 40
H (WAS): 39
M: 4
Separated: almost a year
(Blended family with kids on both sides, none together)
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: KeepingMyPromise] #2267465
08/02/12 05:45 PM
08/02/12 05:45 PM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 260
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timbits Offline
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Unfortunately, when someone has PTSD and refuses help, there isn't a whole lot you can do. There isn't a whole lot you can do any way, because he really needs to see a therapist and possibly doctor to discuss medication. You didn't do anything to cause this, despite the fact that he may blame you for R issues.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'm learning that DB-ing may not always work to save the M, but it will work to save YOU.


M:29
H:30
M:2.5 years
T:13 years
No kids
EA:11/2011
PA:01/2012
Bomb:02/2012
H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012
Trying to decide what I want for a change...
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: timbits] #2267468
08/02/12 05:54 PM
08/02/12 05:54 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
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KeepingMyPromise Offline OP
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Posts: 27
Yes, that is true. I have been reading your threads, timbits, and my heart goes out to you on so many levels. You are a strong and courageous woman.


W (me): 40
H (WAS): 39
M: 4
Separated: almost a year
(Blended family with kids on both sides, none together)
Re: Trying 180 while husband is at war [Re: KeepingMyPromise] #2267476
08/02/12 06:25 PM
08/02/12 06:25 PM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 260
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timbits Offline
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Thank you so much, but you are strong and courageous, as well. You've already gotten through (and are still getting through) your husband's tour of duty and supporting your blended family. This is not something for the faint of heart.


M:29
H:30
M:2.5 years
T:13 years
No kids
EA:11/2011
PA:01/2012
Bomb:02/2012
H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012
Trying to decide what I want for a change...
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