We were friends for a long time before we dated. In all, we knew each other seven years before we got married. We dated a few different times. I think that some of the same things that were issues in our M were problems dating too. She wanted me to pursue more. She was more physically affectionate than me.
I was not ever a ladies man. I had one girlfriend in college, but my W is the only woman I have ever really loved and the only person I have been with. I am going to have to learn some of that stuff. I do like the rose idea. But she likes those colored daisies. Maybe I could do those.
Her parents have a really good marriage, and I know that she always hoped she would have the kind of marriage they have. I have wondered about talking to her dad. She is still kind of a "Daddy's girl." And he tried to tell me things about her when I proposed. Is that a crazy idea?
I want my wife. She has wondered during a lot of our M if I really loved her. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone. I haven't shown it the way she needs. For a long time I didn't know. Then I just didn't do it. I let life get in the way. And my worry about it not being enough. Doing nothing got me here.
I want to be the H she deserves. I want her to know how much I want her. I want her to love me again. I want my kids to see two parents who love each other. I want my M back. If that means I have to do things another way or get outside of my "comfort zone" I will do it.
I would like for us to date again. Her lease runs through the end of the year.
I am not usually this personal, but, she begged me to have my testosterone tested. I finally did, and it was pretty low. I have been treating that for awhile now and I can tell a difference. Without getting graphic, if some of what I have felt is what I put her through all those years then I feel pretty horrible about that.
I have also lost some weight, which she never ever mentioned. But it makes me feel better about myself.
I certainly want to. We had different experiences growing up. Her parents have always been very open about things, and she used to joke about them still being like teenagers even after all those years. My parents were private about that kind of thing. She has always had a lot higher drive than I have.
After her affair, we did the "hysterical bonding" thing, and I think she hoped it would stay that way. To be honest, I don't remember a whole lot about it. I was just desperate to keep her. We talked some about it is MC and she told me later that she could tell back then that it wasn't going to be any better. It hurt at the time but I guess she was right.
I don't know how she has spent the last year, and I don't want to know. But if she has not been with anybody in all that time she must be really frustrated. That worries me a little because though I feel more than I ever have, I am not sure what she expects.
I took the kids to my parents' house this weekend. I have family from another country who is visiting. I dropped them off at W's house just a little while ago. She had supper ready for them and asked me if I wanted to stay.
Honestly, I did. But I keep reading about not being needy and GAL. I told her thanks very much but I needed to get ready for meetings tomorrow. I don't want to be too available, but I don't like to feel like I am playing a game.
PJ, your a smart guy obviously, and we've all done that looking for reason thing. I went through phone records, emails, ipad history.......here's the hardest thing to take. She didnt leave for any reason other than you. And please take that as kindly as I mean for it to come across, because when I say it im really talking to me. You sound as completely neurotic as I was....is there any doubt what drove our wives away?
I did the same thing you did....constant neediness, wanting reassurance, always wanting her to tell me she'd never leave me. And even while she was telling me that I would tell her that I knew one day i'd drive her away by worrying about it. It became a self fulfulling prophecy....quit being such a wimp and have some confidence. Your wife didnt start dating you, fall in love with you, and marry you so that she could divorce you.
No one ever got married in the hopes that sooner or later it would fail and they could become a statistic. And no one ever married anyone that was acting like you and I acted in the last couple of years. Your wife is trying to find the man and reason she married you to begin with so she can stay married, help her find that person. And the only way you can ever help her find that person is by finding him yourself. Thats the journey im on, care to join me?
I know there are exceptions to this, and I know that you can find alot more stories of people who didnt reconcile than those that did, but the fact of the matter is if your spouse has left and has yet to file then their not sure they want to get a divorce and their looking to you to let them know which way they should go. I think its really that simple, you can push them away by trying to pull them close, or you can give them space, change yourself and most likely they'll wanna come in for a closer look.
And as is said here so many times, what do you have to lose by improving yourself and detaching now, if this doesn't work out your going to have to look internally for the answers then anyway, by beginning now you simply get a head start on the process.
Smile professorjay and enjoy the weekend, absolutely nothing is "done" at this point.
Very nicely said. Thanks. I copied this to my desktop, it has helped me tremendously today.
