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#2264265 07/21/12 01:11 PM
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It has been a long time since I posted....very long time. In this time though I continue to learn things about my self. How patient I can be, how good of a father I can be, and that I can live and run a household with kids by myself without the world ending....LOL.

Let me recap the last 2 years.

Jan 2010-Wife states she wants to be with her family and work on our marriage. In hindsights there was little work done and more a life of co-existence as I was still very dim and she was showing no effort towards improving our relationship. I think a big driver is that her second affair (that I expected but didn't confirm to farther down the road) had ended in October abbrutely with the OM cheating on her and ending all communication)

July 2010-We had our best family vacation EVER....just the four of us and the beach. This was followed by a second vacation to visit our family up north which was also awesome. Things to me really felt like they were getting better. Inimacy of all kinds had improved. Communication improved...everything. What I didn't know at this time is that affair number three had started with naked pictures in the beginning of july to sex by the end of the month.

Sept 2010-Was introduced to OM as a friend and his wife. FOr the next few months the four of us were inseparatble and a very good friendship was developing.

Oct/Nov 2010-Eventually the affair was uncovered...actually more admitted to. My wife moved out on Thanksgiving day...actually by leaving a gathering with friends in front of everyone and making a big deal of it. The kids stayed here with me. Our arrangement with the kids was easy.....The would stay with her at the OM house every other weekend.

Dec 2010-Tough month for me.....but as a word to newbie's...YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT smile. Along with the holidays blahs of not having my wife here (she did get a tree with us and come over christmas day), I had started a physical relationship with OM's wife, and also held a challenging piece of info. The om's wife admitted to me that during the last month of living with her husband...she intentionally fed me lies because her husband told her to. Such as they weren't having sex (she admitted that for the last month it became daily or more), she admitted he had setup a secret conversation portal between the two of them that neither me or my wife were to know about. That said, the hardest part was the first time my wife picked up the kids for her weekend knowing that her OM was at his wife's apartment having sex and not telling my wife. I just didn't feel it was my place to tell her. The OM would continue having sex with his wife until the end of March when she finally said no more.

April 2011- I finally seem to have everything running smoothly. Work has picked up, the kids have adjusted to it just being the four of us, and overall I think all three of us were pretty happy. Then my wife found out the OM was working on a relationship with another woman, big fight ensues, and my wife ends up on my porch looking for a place to sleep as she needs to move out (on a wednesday). I tell her no as I don't want to mess with the kids, but I do pay for a hotel room for her her. At this time she also stops paying me support as her unemployment had run out.

June 2011- Beginning of the month finds the OM's fiancee (the woman who had ended my wife's relationship with him) ending things with him because he was cheating on her. He begs his wife back one night and things between her and I are done....which to be honest I was very comfortable with. Did miss losing her as a friend, but it how things had to be. My wife at this point had moved into an apartment near my house and the kids often walked over to visit her. My wife had sent me repeated messages stating she wanted to be family again, wanted to do the work, but needed time. Messages in which I responded nicely that it couldn't happen. We did though start spending more time together doing small family things. The super hard part happened at the end of the month. My daughter, knowing that both mom and I were single, became more and more angry as she couldn't understand why mommy wasn't moving home. To the point one day she screamed at "I hate you....you caused this....and it is all YOUR fault". That absolutely crushed me.....with all the work I had done...all the effort...all the pain....that one statement from my babygirl absolutely demolished me.

July 2011- Starts out with a trip to the beach to visit my sister....and I include my wife along. Once again another very good vacation. We talk more and more about our relationship and the relationships we had. The things we liked and things we didn't like....we started piecing. By the end of the month I stated that I would work on the marriage but it had to be all in. I was going to just date her and other people....I felt for the kids sake we needed to be 100% into the piecing or not at all. I didn't want to give them the impression that we were together unless we truly were.

August 2011-My wife moves homes....the kids wanted her, she wanted to be here, I wanted here. Added to my decision was also the fact that worked had significantly slowed down and my wife hadn't paid me support in months....I was out of money and needed help. So by moving her back...we no longer had two households of bills, just one. From here we would piece...things seemed to get better other than one bad thing....I wasn't getting any work from my three jobs to the point that we fell behind two mortgage payments and had to start getting food from food pantries.

Dec 2011-Behind on house payments...but there is light on the horizon. I land a big survey job near my house and have a busy month at my two other jobs. Money startds to flow again.

Feb 2012- We have our first big fight. As the money flows in...I face a dilema. I have enough free cash to catch up our mortgage. At the same time I am resentful that I a have to pay it all myself and empty my my business accounts to do it. I suggest I pay half of it so I can keep some money in my business account to operate off of. The wife feels I need to pay all of it off and I am back to my same old financial irresponsible self she complained about in the past. I tell her I was frustrated back when these payments were originally due and I asked her for help. To which she responds "I didn't have the money to help and now it is yours to handle". I do pay off all the back mortgage as it is the right thing to do. The second biggee....the OM shows up again. They talk in which my expresses how bad he hurt her etc....then they continue to talk. To the point that he asks her to move back in with him to which she refuses. I also touch base with his wife for the first time in months. While things overall are good, she tells me that they had a rough patch in sept. when he waqs trying to hook up with the fiancee again, she thinks he had another fling in Nov., and currently she knew he had spoken with KC but there was another female he was speaking with excessively....they eventually have a physical fight and she moves out for a few weeks.

Feb-jun 2012-Things here get more and more testy. My wife starts doing less...becomes less involved with family things. Friends start asking what is up because the notice that my wife seems very happy until Feb....and then things seem to go downhill. I ask her about the OM and she responds she is still in love with him and not with me. She states they talk very infrequently.....but I do snoop as I want to know the truth. The lies and half lies at this point bother me more than anything else. I see contact here and there, but I am assuming that the OM setup a communication pattern like he did with his wife. Only during work hours...through work emails, etc....so that nobody can see what is going on.

Our sex life goes to zero.....there is no intimacy and I start to go dim again. The signs are there of another affair.

July 2012- Another full blown affair is confirmed with all it's associated lies, etc. We have a blow out in which I tell her to move out she responds she doesn't care and we need to go our separate ways......That she doesn't want to hurt the kids but she doesn't love me...never felt it during our second piecing and is done.

Currently for me....I am doing very well. For gal'ing....well I have enough work to cover that pretty dang good. All three of my jobs have picked up nicely and one has just this week turned into a full time position with rpetty good pay (for the area) and benefits. I will keep surveying and dj'ing....and have started another nice sized survey project and have about 12 more dj gigs already booked between now and the end of the year. I have also started working out again.

Strangely I have also found strength in a very odd spot. Knowing a very small bit of truth about the OM (I feel there is a lot more than my wife or his wife knows)I can safely say he has had at least 15 affairs in the last 3 years. That said...I have made the decisions that for my own good I can no longer have sex with my wife. There is just to much chance that there is a disease floating around in there. So my concious decision to remove that thought from my head has unleashed a sort of freedom. It has also clarified for me that my wife is no longer the woman I married. I know that the OM has convinced my wife that he didn't sleep with his wife while they were together, etc.....the woman I married would not have fallen for that. So I accept that for a few months in 2011 that woman reappeared....she is now gone again.

What I have learned though is as follows;

1-I can take care of a household and raise kids by myself. There is no need for another person. If I ever introduce another person into my life it will be because I want them there and not because I need them there.

2- That I am an incredible father and spouse. It has been hard to get there on this one....but eventually the repeated accolades have finally sunk in smile

3- That I only control my life. That a step towards self enrichment starts with accepting the things that I can influence and things that are out of my control. I have changed my focus from the things that concern me to that I can change. Making the things I can influence a priority and the things of concern just a thought.

4- When this all started in 2007...I was unhappy. Not so much with my marriage, but with my work. This unhappiness I carried everywhere. Luckily my work situation has changed from controlling me....to me controlling it. Working on things that fufill me instead of just paying a check.

5-I love to cook

6- Life continues with or without....I have made the choice to continue living.

7- When there are kids involved be very careful with new relationships. It will be hard, but keep the kids out of it. IF things don't work...no matter how close or far away the kids are from the new relationship...it will create insecurity and instability for them. I have decided I won't pursue a relationship for awhile......first because I don't need a relationship to exist...second is because the kids need all the stability and security I can give them.

8-MLC spouses disappear....it is okay to love them, but try to keep it at a distance. That protects you.

9- Smile...a lot...and make friends.

10-I need to visit some of my DB friends...our community builds in harsh times and through these times strong bonds do grow

11- I do love my wife....and when she decides to leave again I will still love her. That is my choice as love is a verb. To love her doesn't mean she has to be here with me....it means I have loved our time together and though it may be coming to an end.....those times were had and will always be part of our history.

12- One has to take control of ones self before they can make a difference anywhere else.

13- I am a better man for this journey


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WOW

That is some story!

Looks like you were one of the PLAYERS in it too.

You need to go back to the begining of DB and get a beginners mind.

Learn some boundaries.

I guess welcome back, you were missed!


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Cadet,

I am very much back to beginners stage. Getting myself back to priorities...protecting myself. At the same time I also don't really feel I want the marriage myself anymore. The repeated ups and downs have taken their toll.

I did make some bad choices....I have come to accept that....and have learned from that which is just as important.


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Originally Posted By: Lostforwords

13- I am a better man for this journey



One of the best buddy....

Check for a text, right about.........now

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Wow. I can totally relate LF. I didn't make the same choices, but I thought about it. I really did. I've known others that made similar choices off this board.

I think you learned some great lessons and see that you are starting to apply them. Awesome.

Good to focus on the kids' needs. They need that and you'll be glad you did. smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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So I was reading some other post this morning and game across an interesting tidbit from Cadet. He had mentioned to another poster to review the Stockdale Paradox....an ironicly I remembered reading Stockdale's book in grade school (I loved to read as a kid). So I was familiar with what he had gone through....but unaware of the paradox.

So I researched the stockdale paradox and was quite moved. I think through his statement he really portraits that to really meet one's potential....one has to find balance between the truth and desire. Accept things as they are is how they were meant to be in the bigger picture. Then deal with it in a proactive manner.

As a scientist though....I had to research how Stockdale applied this to the trials he faced? How did this man come to a grand paradox? It was with that I discovered that Stockdale was a Stoic Classics professor.So with that....I had to research was stoic philosophy is.

I am glad I did. While I will continue the research (today's reading will be Marcus Aurelius's "meditations") the whole basis of stoicism reminded me of this board.

Accepting that things will work out as they are intended....even if the current moment is not what you want.

I just loved this quote;

"When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can't tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own—not of the same blood or birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine"

I read this, in our situation, to mean the journey of the MLC'er and LBS are intertwined in that we are human. The difference being like a graph. At the top of the graph is fun and at the bottom unhappiness/depression. When the situation is presented, one we have to accept as the harsh reality.....The LBS is at the bottom of the graph while the mlc'er is riding an eurphoric high at the top. What we do know is that what goes up, must come down and vice versa. Nature's way of finding that balance as Stockdale's paradox uncovered.

We have the choice to hang on to anger.....or forgive. Yet in the end what has happened is meant to be and it is ours to accept it and move on.


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Awesome post, LFW!

So of course, I had to go read up on stoic philosophy and found the following on Wikipedia:

"Stoics presented their philosophy as a way of life, and they thought that the best indication of an individual's philosophy was not what a person said but how he behaved."

Very cool... thanks for the fish...! cool

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LFW,

Sorry man....(hugs)...I know you know you'll be okay. Best to you and your fam. You continue to be an inspiration. I'll give you a shout out if I'm heading to your neck of the woods.

Peace,
Eric


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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Basically 4.5 years after I started on this board (to the day LOL)....I asked my wife to leave last night. I told her it was time to go. We actually had a pretty good night, we won our summer bowling league, but I returned home to find an email from a professional friend (a client and good acquaintance)who saw my wife out with the OM and was asking if we had problems. I hacked into her email account and confirmed they had been together at lunch time.

While I definitely do not support snooping at all, the price is very high on the LBS, for me knowing the truth was beneficial. It stopped me from pursuing sex as she would have probably had sex with me to keep me happy and quiet, yet through the emails I know that there is a good chance the OM has genital herpes. I also know that the woman who was complaining about having no money to pay for things around the house was spend money on lunches, jewelry, and car parts for her OM.

In the end it comes down to me just wanting more in my life.....I have come to point were I feel it will be better to be alone than married and alone.

As for the delivery....The kids were there and I laid it out point blank. I had tried and it was mommy who did this. When I was called a liar and the causer of the problems.....I proved to the kids, and my wife admitted that it was true, that mommy was having an affair by her choice. Against DB or not, I was not going to have a little girl looking at me in 3 months blaming me for everything.

As for the kids, they are angry at my wife and her OM. My daughter knows I blame myself for letting my wife back into the family unit in 2011. I explained to her why I had done that even though I knew better....and she gave me a big hug, smiled, and said "Daddy, I know you love us and that you love mommy. You had to try for all of us and you did. This is not your fault and you did your best...Love you".

Not bad for a 10 year old smile


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Lost,
I am so sorry it has come to this. You have to do what is best for you and your family. Your little one is a very smart cookie!

I do hope that you and your children have something special planned for the weekend. If not, plan something and just have some fun and leave the mlc monster outside the door!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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