CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 13 1 2 3 4 12 13
Re: 14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation [Re: adinva] #2266555
07/30/12 02:43 PM
07/30/12 02:43 PM
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,900
Piney Land
R
Rick1963 Offline
Member
Rick1963  Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,900
Piney Land
"I used to try to control H by asking him to contact us when he was away, by reaching out to contact him, and by getting upset when he didn't seem interested in talking to us. He always acted like talking on the phone to me was actually painful, and he often hung up while I was still talking, if I paused too long; he was just so anxious to get off the phone. It wasn't until I heard him chitchat on the phone with others that I resented this"

AD this^^^^use to happen to me. ExW did not like to chat on the phone with me but ok with others. I know how it feels.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





Re: 14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation [Re: Rick1963] #2266557
07/30/12 02:45 PM
07/30/12 02:45 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
D
DaddyLongShanks Offline
Member
DaddyLongShanks  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,257
Originally Posted By: Rick1963
"I used to try to control H by asking him to contact us when he was away, by reaching out to contact him, and by getting upset when he didn't seem interested in talking to us. He always acted like talking on the phone to me was actually painful, and he often hung up while I was still talking, if I paused too long; he was just so anxious to get off the phone. It wasn't until I heard him chitchat on the phone with others that I resented this"

AD this^^^^use to happen to me. ExW did not like to chat on the phone with me but ok with others. I know how it feels.


Well just so you know. There is a commercial on where a husband has to "endure" listening to his wife for 5 seconds on the phone. By the end of the call he is sweating bullets.

Re: 14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation [Re: Rick1963] #2266571
07/30/12 03:41 PM
07/30/12 03:41 PM
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
K
KeepingMyPromise Offline
Member
KeepingMyPromise  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 27
This thread has been very helpful to me. Thank you.


W (me): 40
H (WAS): 39
M: 4
Separated: almost a year
(Blended family with kids on both sides, none together)
Re: 14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation [Re: KeepingMyPromise] #2267596
08/03/12 03:19 AM
08/03/12 03:19 AM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
A
adinva Offline OP
Member
adinva  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
Thanks for posting on my thread! Rick1963, sorry your W treated you like that on the phone too. I thought it was kind of a guy thing not to like chatting on the phone, and I'm kind of phone averse too, it's just a awkward medium for me. But it hurts to know that it's not them, it's you (they just don't want to talk to you). You deserve better, me too.

So. H called today around 4. The boys have been asking when he'd be home. I knew it was today sometime but expected it to be late. At 4 he calls and says "Did you go to Cape May?" Um, no, changed my mind about it, why? He said he was at the airport but had his friend coming to pick him up and was wondering if he needed to get home to feed the dogs. I said no, we're home, we're fine. So he went from the airport to out to dinner with his friend and we saw him around 8 or so.

I was in the kitchen on my laptop so I said a friendly hello and talked a little from the kitchen but H went in the living room and S12 told him a bunch of stories from summer camp. S14 came up from the basement around 9 for some Chinese food and H had some food with the boys and S14's friend.

There's no connection with me, and I'm not pushing for one. I'm just kind of sad that it's just not there.

However, 2, just for you. This morning I took an extra half hour and made our MBR and bathroom look spiffy. I MADE the bed. Which we never do. I just kept looking to see if the room looked like a nice place to be, and cleaned it until it did. I almost took a picture for fb. I saved the dishes because I had to get to work, but after work with the extra time bought by H not coming directly home, I did get all the pots and pans washed and shined up the kitchen island and put some fruit out. I kept thinking, would this look nice to come home to, and cleaned until I thought it did.

I mainly did it because of a conversation with 2 recently, but I also did it for H. It was a little deflating to have it not noticed, but the lack of criticism is high praise in this situation. So I'll take it that I did good. I also straightened up the living room until I saw that it would look comfortable to sit on the couch (ie, no remotes, pocketknives, lacrosse gloves, or shoes on the couch) - and H did sit there when he got home so I was glad I made the effort.

What I think of this is it's exercising my interest in extending myself for my spouse, as opposed to bending over backwards to please him. It's more about pleasing myself by being a giving person. I feel like one of my flaws that I'm working on is to be more naturally giving. So it doesn't really matter if I get no reward from H.

Oh yeah, also we had that agreement that I'd get the birdcage and hamster stuff out of the garage by the end of July. I should have and could have tried to have a yard sale but my weekends have been booked solid and I've been dragging a lot lately, so I just loaded it in my car and moved it over to my office so I can sell it on Craigslist. No excuses. It's out of the garage on time as promised.

Not much to report on my bootcamp. I've taken about a week off, since going to visit friends at the beach. I came home tired, and started a 'hamster wheel' of too much work and being pulled in too many directions, and H out of town so no help. I gave in to myself and let myself slack off for a week, and I'm sure the scale will show it. Tomorrow, I get myself back on track. Every day is a new beginning.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Re: 14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation [Re: adinva] #2267601
08/03/12 03:25 AM
08/03/12 03:25 AM
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 934
V
vera be fierce Offline
Member
vera be fierce  Offline
Member
V
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 934
Originally Posted By: adinva
It's more about pleasing myself by being a giving person. I feel like one of my flaws that I'm working on is to be more naturally giving. So it doesn't really matter if I get no reward from H.


^^This is one of the best things I've discovered in this process, too. Good for you smile

Re: 14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation [Re: adinva] #2267604
08/03/12 03:32 AM
08/03/12 03:32 AM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
A
adinva Offline OP
Member
adinva  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
MIL called today to ask what I was doing for my birthday this weekend. My sister invited me rafting on Saturday, and on Sunday I have my guitar meetup, so I suggested Sunday early dinner, but found out MIL's not available and we'll get together some other time. She asked what was going on in our sitch, and said she was afraid to ask H and he doesn't volunteer any info.

I told her it was not going real well, that our year separation was done and it was just a matter of paperwork now, and H seems to be determined that this is what he wants to do. I told her there hasn't been any point of no return and if he wanted to work on things we would, but it didn't look promising. I suggested that she could feel free to ask him questions, he'd answer them and wouldn't likely be swayed either way by her input. He and I talk weekly and he's somewhat open, at least about the administrative details, so I wanted her to feel like she could talk to him and not just me.

I told her things were friendly between us and that I would be sure that nothing changed between her and the kids. She said I was a very strong and good person for putting up with this. I said if he weren't who he was I might not have; he's certainly a good person too. She suggested that I was being so good about this that I should talk to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, and she suggested that they got their D so fast maybe we could too. I let that slide as kind of random blathering. I don't think she was trying to offend me. I'm not even quite sure what her point was about that.

I feel like it's hard to talk unemotionally about this stuff with her, but it's probably harder for her and I can take it. So I try to answer her questions as objectively as I can so she can feel less anxious about what's going to happen.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Re: 14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation [Re: adinva] #2267664
08/03/12 12:28 PM
08/03/12 12:28 PM
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
C
ces67 Offline
Member
ces67  Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,030
Enjoy your weekend. Rafting sounds like fun! So what day is your birthday?

IMO, its good that you are able to talk to your MIL about the sitch in a factual way.

As far as the "Tom & Katie" thing, my guess is there's a compliment in there for how you're handling things and maybe the "speed" comment is that she just wants you to be able to have this over with and move on. Its kind of how those close to us may want us to give in and move on because seeing us work on our Ms is long, drawn out and uncomfortable for them to observe.

Take care!


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Re: 14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation [Re: adinva] #2267671
08/03/12 01:18 PM
08/03/12 01:18 PM
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,375
C
cat04 Offline
Member
cat04  Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,375
Originally Posted By: adinva

However, 2, just for you. This morning I took an extra half hour and made our MBR and bathroom look spiffy. I MADE the bed. Which we never do. I just kept looking to see if the room looked like a nice place to be, and cleaned it until it did. I almost took a picture for fb. I saved the dishes because I had to get to work, but after work with the extra time bought by H not coming directly home, I did get all the pots and pans washed and shined up the kitchen island and put some fruit out. I kept thinking, would this look nice to come home to, and cleaned until I thought it did.

I mainly did it because of a conversation with 2 recently, but I also did it for H. It was a little deflating to have it not noticed, but the lack of criticism is high praise in this situation. So I'll take it that I did good. I also straightened up the living room until I saw that it would look comfortable to sit on the couch (ie, no remotes, pocketknives, lacrosse gloves, or shoes on the couch) - and H did sit there when he got home so I was glad I made the effort.

What I think of this is it's exercising my interest in extending myself for my spouse, as opposed to bending over backwards to please him. It's more about pleasing myself by being a giving person. I feel like one of my flaws that I'm working on is to be more naturally giving. So it doesn't really matter if I get no reward from H.



A,

Why did you not do this stuff for yourself?

Personally, I am a bit of an OCD neatfreak.

What that means to me, is that when I clean, I'm crazy about it. Everything has to be just so, so it is like spring cleaning everyday.

Something that has happened to me in recent years, is that there are days when I just can't do it, so I don't. Which means that very little gets done by me. In general, it makes me feel badly about myself when I allow myself to slack.

I am working on coming to a point where I can do SOME and be happy with it, because the reality of life is that I don't have the time to be compulsive about it every day (I never really did and that is probably why I was so tired all of the time).

My point is this (sorry for the ramble)...

While my SO appreciates it and actually prefers it when I go into "clean mode", I don't do it for him. I do it because it is how I want things to be and a happy side effect is that it makes him happy and keeps his frustration level lower. There is nothing like coming home from work to a clean house. It gives you a few moments to just breath.

So tell me, does the clutter bother you? What are your feelings about the unmade bed? Do you feel differently when it's clean?

And please, don't tell me how your H feels, or how you feel based on his reaction...

How did you feel before he got home?

Is this something worth continuing for YOU?



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Re: 14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation [Re: cat04] #2267677
08/03/12 01:52 PM
08/03/12 01:52 PM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
A
adinva Offline OP
Member
adinva  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
Hi Cat04. I put straightening up below other things. I have a maid service that comes in regularly so everything is deeply clean and straightened out each time they come, but in between, I do as I have time to do if it's just for me. And with H out of town, S14 needing drop off and pickup 45 minutes away twice a day all week, my annual audit taking up all of my regular worktime and a major database project and teleconferences taking up even more, I would rather just ignore the clutter until the weekend.

This is a fundamental difference between me and H. H is a neat freak, and I learned in our MC that he actually seems to be stressed out and uncomfortable in a cluttered house and afraid to say anything because 'it's not his place to tell me what to do' and then it comes out in anger and passive aggression anyway to nit-picking and general yelling at everyone. I really didn't know he didn't understand my viewpoint, and I didn't understand his before.

In order for me to come home to a clean house, I would need to come down harder on the group of teenagers who are constantly in and out of my house all day. And I've chosen to be a comfortable place where they feel welcome. They are reasonably polite and pick up after themselves some, but the house is basically lived in by a lot of other people than me by the time I come home from work. It would be more effort for me, that I really don't feel compelled to put in, to change that. I like a comfortable, easy-going, happy home...not necessarily one where all the kids did all the dishes.

Sometimes the clutter bothers me more than the rest of my workload and I tackle it. It does feel nice to do for me.

But the extra work on a day that I was dragging and tired and overwhelmed with other responsibilities...that was for me only in the sense that I want to be a more thoughtful and giving person.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Re: 14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation [Re: adinva] #2267680
08/03/12 02:04 PM
08/03/12 02:04 PM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
A
adinva Offline OP
Member
adinva  Offline OP
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
VA
Regarding making the bed. I grew up in a house run like the Navy, with a finger run over the doorway and along the floorboards to make sure I dusted enough. Quarters have been bounced off my bed. I got yelled at once because all my glass animal collection hadn't been adequately dusted, so I tried to erase my entire personality from my room by putting away every single decorative or personal item. That would show them. No response. Gradually my stuff came back out where I could enjoy it.

Cleaning, like good grades, was not for me, it was for my parents. There was no other reason to do it, it was just done to stop the yelling. That's how I remember it anyway.

So in my own house I've struggled against laziness about cleaning. My favorite thing is to have a system that helps keep things where they should be - I set up a mail station with its own wastebasket, and that stopped the individual piles of daily mail that got dropped in random places all over the first floor of the house.

So I never made my bed other than when changing the sheets. My housecleaners do it when they change the sheets and it's nice. But I never saw the point when I'm just going to get back in it at night.

Sometime in the past year I noticed a friend of mine always makes her bed and I was genuinely surprised. I asked her why she does it and she said she just likes to get into a freshly made bed at night. For the first time in my life (really!) I thought, huh, I like that too. So I've been thinking about starting to make the bed, but I haven't gotten around to it just yet.

I noticed recently that my H was making the bed when I was out of town, and I asked him about it. But his answer was that he's sleeping on top of it now because it's hot out, so he was just straightening it to make it more comfortable and left it that way. I had thought if he expressed a preference for it made, we might start making the effort.

It's funny the mundane details that become meaningful in the breakup of a marriage.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Page 2 of 13 1 2 3 4 12 13

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004