So when I last updated here, back in late March, my W and I were 'dating' and seemingly working towards reconciliation. A LOT has happened since then. From late October through early May, W and I hung out a lot. She expressed her desire to work things out, but could never fully commit to it. There was no physical R bc she felt awkward about it. She wouldn't commit to moving back into our home when her leased expired at the end of July because she didn't feel that it was the right time.
While we were good friends, there really was no romantic R. There was still a wall between us... a weird distance that I simply cannot describe very well.
So, after 6 months of this, I began to tire of it. There simply was no progress from early March through early May. In fact, in late April I could sense my W moving farther away, not closer. It blew up after we went to a concert on May 7th.
That night, after dropping her off at her rental house, I sat alone in my bed and decided that I was done. The next morning, I notified her that I was ready for a divorce. Within 4 days, I completed the paperwork, had it notarized, and gave it to her step father to get to her. I asked her to sign it herself and get it back to me so that i could file it.
At that time, she expressed shock that I was doing this, yet she told me that I was probably right. That she simply could not get herself over the hump so to speak. That she loved me, but was just not 'in love' with me. She didn't know how to change that and didn't know if that would ever change.
She told me that she wanted some time to talk to an attorney and that she would get back to me when she was ready to sign the paperwork. I was leaving town for a few days and we agreed to talk when I got back.
When I got back from my trip, I decided that I wanted to take some time to adjust to my decision and to 'just be' for a few weeks before filing. I did not call her as I told her I would. I received a couple of text messages from her regarding other things, but my responses were short and fairly apathetic.
For the next couple of weeks, I hung out with friends and began to slowly develop a plan for a life without my W and my M. I finally started to accept that my M was over, and began to see that I could have happiness without it.
At the end of May, she began to send me angry emails. She stated that she was now in a hurry to file for D. She was angry that I didn't want to rush to file the paperwork. I told her that I just wanted to enjoy my summer for a while before we started the process. She told me that she had seen an attorney and that she had signed and notarized the paperwork.
I simply ignored her angry emails.
Two more weeks passed.
On June 15th she began to initiate contact via texts with me again. At first her contact was about unrelated stuff. She was nice, but to the point. A day or so later, she sent me a text asking me why I rushed to decide that I wanted a D... that things were going 'well' between us and I all of a sudden decided that I wanted a D. She asked me if I had found someone else, an OW. I had not and explained that to her.
The contact escalated on Father's Day. She asked me if I wanted to meet up that day. I told her that it was not a good idea. We had a lengthy convo via text where she again expressed questions about why I had decided that D was the best thing. By the end of that convo, it was clear that it was not what she wanted.
A few days later, we had a telephone conversation. At that time, she indicated that me asking for a D had 'woken her up' to what she was doing. She talked about the things about herself that she has been working on in therapy. She told me that she had had an epiphany about what she wants for her life and what she doesn't want. She told me that she had taken steps, real steps, to make sure that OM would not contact her or SS anymore.
Later that week, still mid-June, she asked me if I wanted to meet her for a drink. I was at home. I told her 'no', but that she could come to the house to have a drink and talk if she liked. For the 6 months that we were 'dating', she would refuse to come to our home bc she said it didn't feel like her home anymore and that she felt 'weird' there.
This time I insisted that it was the only way that I would agree to see her.
She came over and we talked for 3 or 4 hours. She talked more about her 'epiphany', work with her therapist, and the effect that me asking for a D had had on her. She asked me if I was still willing to work on our M. She told me that she was now fully committed. I told her that I was, but only if she was willing to put down her walls. I told her that I was absolutely DONE with OM being her or step son's life at all. That I would no longer be nice about it. That if she would not take care of it, that I would. She said that she understood completely and that she agreed.
So we agreed to give it another shot.
At the same time, she had signed another lease for a new place to live. About 5 minutes from our house. It was a 12 month lease. She still stated that she didn't think it was the right time for her to move back into the house.
A couple of nights later, she came back to the house and we hung out again. This time she stayed and spent the night in our bed. It was the first time that she had slept in our bed in over 18 months. Nothing happened physically other than some cuddling.
The next night we went out with some friends of her's and she stayed again. We were a little tipsy and for the first time in almost 2 years, we made love. This right around June 20 or so.
She has spent every night at the house since.
In early July, she asked me how I felt about her moving back into the house. I told her that I was good with it. That if we were going to make the leap, that it did not matter if it was now or 12 months from now. That the work was going to be the same. Later that week, she broke her new lease. And last Thursday, we spent an entire day moving all of her stuff back into the house.
The most important thing with all of this is that she has had a complete 180 with her attitude towards me and our M. She grabs for my hand at night. She wants me to be close to her in bed and to cuddle with her. She tells me that she loves me. I don't sense the distance or that wall AT ALL. We've even had two pretty significant disagreements. In one, I got upset bc the topic had turned to her R with OM, she grabbed my hand as I tried to leave the room and asked me to stay and talk to her. The convo got rough as I expressed to her how badly her R with OM had hurt me. I broke down. She put her arms around me and told me that she was sorry that she had hurt me. She told me that she loved me, that even when things had been rough with us over the past 18 months, that she had always hoped that we would find our way back to each other again. She promised me that she was committed to us and asked that we start over from now.
So, it has been almost a month since W and I started to talk again after about 5 weeks of no contact and being on the doorstep of D.
I can honestly say that things have NEVER been better between us... emotionally, intellectually, and physically.
Now the hard part... making it last.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Oh... and get this... on the morning of the day that we moved W back into our house, OM tried to 'friend' me on FB. I simply ignored it. LOL
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
This is great news. It's sad that it takes playing the Ultimate Hole Card to get their attention (been there; done that), but there's zero doubt that it works.
Time to move to Piecing, buddy. You've earned it, and you'll get more specific advice there for this stage you are in. I can tell you, from experience, that as hard as this has been (and you have been through a LOT), Piecing is 5x more difficult. Not only that, the things that need to be done to be successful in affair- and divorce-busting are often diametrically opposed to what's needed in Piecing.
The good news? I think your skillset will actually be more tuned to Piecing than to affair-busting.
Oh... and get this... on the morning of the day that we moved W back into our house, OM tried to 'friend' me on FB. I simply ignored it. LOL
O that's rich !!
Nice going Denver. You're an inspiration.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
It gives me some hope that I'll be able to start a new M with my old H.
Please keep us updated!
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
This is great news. It's sad that it takes playing the Ultimate Hole Card to get their attention (been there; done that), but there's zero doubt that it works.
Time to move to Piecing, buddy. You've earned it, and you'll get more specific advice there for this stage you are in. I can tell you, from experience, that as hard as this has been (and you have been through a LOT), Piecing is 5x more difficult. Not only that, the things that need to be done to be successful in affair- and divorce-busting are often diametrically opposed to what's needed in Piecing.
The good news? I think your skillset will actually be more tuned to Piecing than to affair-busting.
God bless, and VERY happy for you!!!
Starsky
Thanks Starsky. The ultimate hole card seems to have worked here. I thought about playing it many times during the 18+ months of my sitch. However, and I mean this as a warning to others, I think that you have to be completely willing to accept that it won't work and be completely willing to follow through, once you do really play that card. While I threatened a couple of times, I never really came close until May. But I had decided that I was willing to accept whatever that meant... even if it was the end of my DB journey and the end of my M. It took me a very long time, but I was finally ready.
And thank you for following my story and for all of your advice Starsky. We haven't always agreed, but you always gave me a different perspective to consider. I think that sometimes you were right, and other times that you were wrong. But you always cared. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I have been missing you on these boards - your wise advice helped me so often. But I am so happy to hear your news.
Phew! You did it!
I'm going right back and re-read your threads now so that I can fully appreciate how far you've come.
Best, NLW
Thanks NLW! I remember following your sitch and talking with you, but you disappeared for a long time. I will try to catch up with what you have going on now. I hope that you are well.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
My apologies NLW. I confused you with another poster for a minute. I have it straight now.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
