Well - you can help them by stopping "horribilizing" this.
Your ex has an OW (big surprise - they always do) and is living 30 mins away (NOT an insurmountable distance - it's not like he moved to another state or country, like some guys here).
He may be temporarily insane and selfish, but it doesn't automatically follow that he'll always be a bad parent. Try to separate out YOUR abandonment and pain, from what's happening between your kids and their dad. You should be encouraging them, letting them know their dad still cares, and encouraging their dad to see them. I know, it seems unfair and stupid that you have to be the bigger person here - but for the sake of your kids, you DO.
kml, I assume your last post was meant to be helpful, but to tell me to stop "horriblizing" really wasn't. This situation is horrible. I'm not going to smile at my boys and say that it isn't. And, no, I won't encourage my STBX to see the boys. Each time he has they come home upset, because he uses that time to justify why he had to leave, etc. etc. He also brags to them about all of the fun things he's doing. All they know is that he gives them windows of time when he is available if they want to do something. That's empty. They have every right to be hurt and angry. I have every right to be hurt and angry. It's part of healing. You've been here along time and I'm sure you have a lot of wisdom to share, so share it. I'm new at this and my emotions are raw. I just post how I feel at the moment. I'm looking for encouragement, not criticism.
Golfmom - I think KML has a pretty good point, and if it stung you, it's probably one you need to think about.
Around here we try to remind ourselves and each other that the posts that sting are usually the posts we need most to reflect on. If someone says you are fat, and you are not, you know it's not true and you dont' take any notice of it. If someone says you are fat, and you are feeling fat, you take it to heart ... know what I mean?
Golfmom, I've actually been meaning to post to you to some time to suggest that it really is time to separate out your abandonment and anger from your children's experience. How our children experience life, is DIRECTLY related to how we encourage them to.
I have 3 step-children. Their mum and dad were divorced several years before I met their father, but to their credit, both parents had done a remarkable job of keeping the children out of their personal problems. Their mum had an affair and left them with their dad to live with her affair partner when they were 6, 10 and 13 respectively. It was a terribly difficult time for their dad, but to his immense credit, he NEVER said a bad word about their mother to them, and to this day, some 20 years later, still wouldn’t dream of it.
Her behavior was atrocious. He has only ever once expressed to me what he thought of her behavior and that was “If she was a horse and she abandoned her offspring like that, you’d shoot her .“. He was obviously very hurt, very betrayed and his personal values were horribly confronted by her decisions – but he’s a wise and careful man and he knew that regardless of what was going on between them, they were both their children’s parents and he knew the way he responded to her abandonment would be the difference between how they recovered … or not. Our children respond to life in the way we teach them. Children are imitators and they take those learned behaviors from their childhood into the rest of their lives … do you want them to reflect bitterness or love?
My step-children, are now some of the most well adjusted, successful, delightful adults I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. They love their mum and their dad. They carry very little baggage from the divorce and they live in healthy, loving, reality based relationships with gorgeous partners; and the eldest has 2 children of her own now who are also beautifully well adjusted, kind, clever perfect little people.
The alternative story. My best friends husband had an affair and left her about 2 years ago. Their children, both boys, are 12 and 15. Gorgeous boys. She is so angry. She is furious with him and she shares it all with the kids. In the period since he left, those boys have had to listen to her tell them how their dad has abandoned them (he hasn’t , he left her for a whole range of reasons, including some she admits were entirely her fault, but he hasn’t left the boys, she just makes it so difficult and uncomfortable for him to see them that he’s at the stage where it’s traumatic to talk to her – so he doesn’t); how he’s mentally ill, how he’s making all the wrong life choices … making this man, who is their father and most important role model into some sort of evil creature. Its very confusing for the boys because they love him. I’ve heard her do it and it’s painful for me to listen to, so I can’t imagine how painful it is for the boys, who absolutely adored their dad.
I had the weekend there last month and I took the 12 year old to the movies. He was talking to me about his mum and dad in the car on the way home. He said “I wish mum would get that just ‘cause we still love dad, doesn’t mean we love her less. She’s so pissed with him that every time we say something about him she makes it all about her.” It was a poignant moment for me and when we got home, I gave him a big hug and told him it’s going to take her some time, she’s very hurt and very angry and she doesn’t know how to deal with it, he said (all 12 years of him) “well she should get over it, and learn how to deal with her feelings. Life moves on and people make choices.”
What I worry about is that the boys have started resenting her inability to deal with the reality of the situation.
I understand you are angry. You have every right to be. BUT your children only have one dad, and given that you love them, and underneath all that anger you know that they need a strong relationship with their dad – boys need male role models, good and bad, so they can learn and make choices about the sort of men they will be – I think soon you will figure out that the healthiest thing you can do for your kids is to force your Hs hand and establish a permanent and reliable visitation arrangement – so they maintain their relationship with their father. He really is the only one they have.
I do know how difficult this is for you Golfmom. I really do and I have profound empathy, but please reflect on how you, as the grown-up, can lovingly guide your children through this difficult part of their lives – so that they come out as unscathed as possible and are able to develop healthy relationships, with emotionally healthy women, when they become men.
Blessings to you. V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Today has been so incredibly hard. I'm exhausted from the flood of emotions that I have felt and all of the talking my boys and I did. I can't believe all of the lies my STBX told me and the boys about not being in a serious relationship. He even told the boys that he's too worried about them to have feelings for someone else. Actions speak louder than words. By moving he showed the boys, once again, that he will not put them first. He doesn't have any interest in being part of their life on a regular basis. God, how that must hurt them. I don't know how to make this better.
... and Golfmom, unless I missed something, you don't know for sure he moved in with a lover. You assume that based on ....???
These types of assumptions are dangeorus and are "horriblising" a situation to and with your children based on .....?? Stop making up the story ... it does you no good.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Hey GM, as somebody who went through what you're going through.. Walking and KML are right. You need to separate out what your feelings are and that of what is best for your kids. Walking made an excellent point via that story.
I can tell you I was very surprised and hurt by my ex w's actions, choices, and behaviors. I had a ring side seat for that train-wreck for too long. But I do NOT for one second regret how I handle(d) my feelings with regards to the kids. I was very careful (not enough of course) to keep things from the kids that belonged between ex and I. My ex has not been so careful. Her anger is leading her to tell me she wants to be a single parent. She puts her anger into our daughter who right now doesn't want to speak to me. She isn't sure why, but she is angry and tries very hard to be angry. Just like her mother.
Kids follow their parents.
Feel your feelings. Deal with the present and not the past nor the future. But deal with right now. Understand that your kids are looking to you for guidance. How you handle your emotions and the situation will stick with them for many years to come.
To add to the above story... I had a neighbor who was telling me about his divorce years ago. His wife did similar to mine when his kids were little. His son, now almost 40 called him and told him, "Dad, thanks for all you did when mom left. I don't think I ever told you how much that meant to me."
It is important to show our kids, GM. Very.
As for your H. His choices are his choices as are yours. You are stuck in that legal limbo for a while longer. It will finish when it is finished. Not a minute earlir no matter what you do. He will make his mistakes and you should capitalize on them whether you feel like it right now or not. Take the high road, but don't hesitate in your actions. It matters.
A year from now, things will look very different if you take these steps. It's not what you wanted nor asked for, but only you can change the implications and minimize the kids damage. Time to face the present only and figure out how you intend to help yourself and your kids.
Some things to consider. AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I've read some posts here and Im a little disappointed in what's going on here.
Though the postings are correct in being a positive role model for our children in the face of divorce, there are always two sides to every coin. There's always what you're " supposed to do", and then there's "reality" of each personal situation we're involved in with our ex spouses.
What I saw was GM venting about what was going on, and then in response was told she was personally responsible for the outcome of the relationship between her children and their father. That she's projecting her "abandonement issues" on to her children and that is causing problems. That she holds the key as to the quality of the relationship her children have with their father.
My .02 worth is that the parents BOTH have personal responsibility in their personal relationships with their children. If the welfare of their children is of concern, they will learn to RESPECT the other parent's relationship with the children, BUT NOT INTERFERE. If we end up interfering, we end up taking emotional resonsibility for our kids, even the WAS, and that is not our job.
What role does the WAS play in their relationship with their children when they leave?
What is the WAS personal responsibility as a parent in leading a positive relationship with their children?
We come here to vent, and spew and say things that we really need to say in search of some support and validation from people that are walking or have walked the same path. When venting, things come out harshly, because we're fired up about something and need to let it out.
Who are we to assume the what we expresses here is how we speak and express ourselves to our children?
I agree with you Kimmerz. I didn't want to chime in but like you said venting and that is what Golfmom is doing and telling her kids to hate their dad are two very different things.
Her kids are teenagers and are old enough to see what is going on, no where in any of Golfmom's post has she ever stated she told them how to feel about their father.
The relationship between her son's and their father is not hers to heal or fix, she just needs to br there when they vent to her.
For her to interfere is enabling her WAS in his life choices, he fired her from that job when he left. Why do you think most of these MLC have these problems to begin with.
golf mom, I'm sorry to read that your h has now moved in w/someone. We can only "assume" that it is the ow. I'm sorry about the way that he dropped this information on your son. It's not easy for your child to have to deal w/this situation and it is a lot to process. If your son opens up and talks to you about it, please listen and and reassure him that his father does love him, no matter what.
Hugs to you and your family. It's never easy dealing w/an mlcer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey GM, if I came across as saying you are wrong, I apologize for that. I'm not saying that at all, but I am asking you to consider how you come across.
Quote:
My .02 worth is that the parents BOTH have personal responsibility in their personal relationships with their children. If the welfare of their children is of concern, they will learn to RESPECT the other parent's relationship with the children, BUT NOT INTERFERE. If we end up interfering, we end up taking emotional resonsibility for our kids, even the WAS, and that is not our job.
Interfering would be projecting your feelings on the kids IMHO. It can do damage. Consider that your kids love you both regardless of your actions. Is it possible to NOT project some of your feelings that way? Of course not. But as you're deciding what you are going to portray to them, consider how that looks to them and the long term implications.
I agree you should come here and vent and it was never my personal intent to dissuade you from that. I also agree it isn't easy. Been there and done that. Still living it and will for a very long time I'm sure. I know the mistakes I've made with dealing with my kids and the situation. There weren't many in my opinion, but the ones I did make are likely going to stick for years with the kids...
Being you, being a mother, and not sharing some of your hurt with family is not easy. It's human and it is what we are. But we do need to consider if we add to the hurt or not for the kids. We can make it worse for them and I'm pretty sure when you finish grieving you won't be happy with yourself if you do. That doesn't seem the kind of person you come across as.
I don't think you need to encourage their relationship at this point, but it wouldn't be right to hinder it either would it? What would motivate you to do either, right?
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
There is a fine balance between encouragement of a relationship between your kids and the parent who is going through MLC.
Setting healthy boundaries for your kids, should be a priority, because telling them or letting them be mistreated just because its their parent might set a pattern for future relationships.
