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A Message from Michele
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I'm back! The choice is mine... #2261287
07/10/12 06:51 PM
07/10/12 06:51 PM
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Accuray Offline OP
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Accuray  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
Well it's been an interesting year. Approximately 13 months ago I started in the SSM forum after the bomb dropped on me and I was asked for divorce. I was able to turn things around and get to what felt like piecing pretty quickly. Initially, W was enthusiastic and working with me, it felt really great, like we had the start of something new and better, and I embraced it whole-heartedly.

Eventually over the course of the year I started to look back over my shoulder and saw that W was no longer keeping pace. Little things would fall by the wayside. Things we were doing that I was enjoying she started to back away from.

It started to get into a long, slow slide where she started saying she wanted more distance in our marriage, fewer periods of quality time, fewer date nights. I could feel her withdrawing.

I tried joint coaching, MC, IC, everything I could think of really, and desperately tried to hold things together. Resentments once again began to accumulate on my part, and I started feeling sad and alone. I could see the M that I previously thought was in my grasp slipping through my fingers, and no matter what I tried to do to hold on it just kept slipping away.

Eventually, I felt I was bending over backwards to keep the peace, and putting all my needs in the back seat. Eventually I couldn't take it, felt I was trending toward passive aggressive, punishing behavior, and decided to cut that off with an R talk to clear the air.

Unfortunately, W told me that (you guessed it), she loves me, but she's not in love with me. Anyone heard that before?

I am sure there is no OP this time. I have become the husband and man I want to be -- a husband only a fool would leave, and I'm proud of my changes and effort expended. I can honestly look back and say I gave it my best shot.

W said that although she is not in love with me, she wants to stay married. She said that an "in love" feeling isn't a requirement for her, she doesn't miss it. She said that she either needs me to accept things as they are and find happiness with it, or leave the marriage. There is no option where she's willing to work on making things different. She believes we are fundamentally incompatible, will always be so, and this will keep us from ever forging a deep and intimate connection.

So here I am, back to square one. It's very disheartening as I'm back to loss of sleep and appetite, and I never wanted to feel like this again. I do very much want to make my marriage work, and I'm still committed to doing what it takes. I believe I have to come back and approach it with a beginner's perspective. W is not asking for space, W is not asking to leave. W is happy with status quo, and wants me to be happy to, even though she's not in love with me.

A tough one...

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Re: I'm back! The choice is mine... [Re: Accuray] #2261292
07/10/12 07:40 PM
07/10/12 07:40 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
S
Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
Originally Posted By: Accuray
I do very much want to make my marriage work, and I'm still committed to doing what it takes.



Including completely not having your needs met?


It seems to me (and you know I've been following your sitch) that your wife KNOWS that you're "willing to do whatever it takes," and therein lies the problem. She's happy with the status quo, and doesn't believe you will ultimately do anything about it.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: I'm back! The choice is mine... [Re: Starsky309] #2261297
07/10/12 08:06 PM
07/10/12 08:06 PM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,262
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Mach1 Offline
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Mach1  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,262
Acc....


How long are YOU willing to stand on that hill ?

What are the signs that you are looking for ?

How much of yourself are you willing to sacrifice, just to say that you are still married ????

When does this become unhealthy for you ???

Re: I'm back! The choice is mine... [Re: Starsky309] #2261299
07/10/12 08:13 PM
07/10/12 08:13 PM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,748
Cincinnati
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jbnati Offline
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jbnati  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2011
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Cincinnati
Accuray, wow - your whole scenario sounds familiar actually. I'm sorry to hear about that. There's some similarities in what I've been through the last 4+ years. I had bomb #1, we went to MC, and 2 years later it seemed like we were really heading in the right direction. I kept working it, while my W did not. Bomb #2 came about 10 months after we finished MC.

I think there's some differences, too. I think you got here a lot more quickly. My W also did want to keep the status quo. She wanted a D, and still does.

I also read this from Starsky:
Originally Posted By: Starsky309

Originally Posted By: Accuray

I do very much want to make my marriage work, and I'm still committed to doing what it takes.




Including completely not having your needs met?


It seems to me (and you know I've been following your sitch) that your wife KNOWS that you're "willing to do whatever it takes," and therein lies the problem. She's happy with the status quo, and doesn't believe you will ultimately do anything about it.

Hmmm...sounds like food for thought. confused

Are you OK with the status quo? Sounds to me like you want more?


BITS
Me:46 / W:47 / M:19 / T:21 / S13
Bomb#1: 5/8/2008
MC: 5/2008 - 4/2010
Bomb#2: 2/10/2011
W moves out 5/7/2011

'With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.' - Matt. 19:26
Re: I'm back! The choice is mine... [Re: Starsky309] #2261301
07/10/12 08:33 PM
07/10/12 08:33 PM
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 299
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Nblost Offline
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Nblost  Offline
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Posts: 299
Accuray,
I always appreciate the posts I've seen you make to others. You have great advice. I also followed you on the "sex starved" board because I was the LD spouse and felt it was very helpful to get your perspectives.

The "vibe" I get when you talk about your own situation is that you aren't happy. You wish you could settle but I think deep down...you know you deserve more.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Re: I'm back! The choice is mine... [Re: Nblost] #2261318
07/10/12 09:31 PM
07/10/12 09:31 PM
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Accuray Offline OP
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Accuray  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
No I'm not satisfied with the status quo -- I can't be in a marriage with someone who doesn't love me. I was looking back over my e-mails and found a vision of marriage and a set of commitments that W gave me last September. I then found a revised vision of marriage that W sent me a couple months ago in response to my request and you pretty much wouldn't recognize one from the other. She also dropped all her commitments one by one.

Not sure what to do. I had "newbie fever" today and couldn't sleep or eat. I'm not going to do that, I'm going to bootstrap myself out of it because I've already done it once.

I've already drafted a couple e-mails to send her, but folks helped me realize it was pursuit, so I canned them. It is easier the second time around. Maybe I care less?

In any case, I have 3 little kids. To me, it's worth it to give it 12 more months before I pull the plug. I told W that's my timeline. She said she was prepared for the long haul and doesn't want a D, but at the same time doesn't want to do the work.

What's a man to do?

Here's the thing, we're in a crisis. I don't believe her when she says she hasn't felt in love with me in a long time -- I have e-mails that show otherwise. That's how she's feeling NOW, and that will change.

Here's what I'm going to do tonight -- I'm going to suggest we make dinner together. If she doesn't want to, I'm going to make dinner myself. I'm going to celebrate what's going well. I'm going to suggest we get back to basics -- we were working better at some point, what were we DOING then that we're not doing now?

I've got the tools now to fight the panic back, put it in a can and kick it down the hill and that's what I'm going to do.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Re: I'm back! The choice is mine... [Re: Accuray] #2261323
07/10/12 10:18 PM
07/10/12 10:18 PM
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,506
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StubbornDyke Offline
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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,506
Accuray, I'm sorry to see you so upset. That's what R talks'll do for you.

Remember that "in love" = infatuation = hormones that mostly don't stick around. Don't get hung up on the semantics of that BS. If I recall, you pointed out in a long ago post that you realized you weren't sure you were in love with your W either and that you realized it didn't matter. It doesn't. Red herring. Mental trap. Don't go there. Step back. Step away from the fire and no one will get hurt...


Me - 54
P - 59
Together 5 yrs
She left 4/2012
Re: I'm back! The choice is mine... [Re: Accuray] #2261326
07/10/12 10:23 PM
07/10/12 10:23 PM
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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Brit45 Offline
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Brit45  Offline
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Accuray I have always admired your advice and wisdom. In fact I once looked at the posts I had bookmarked and 4 out of 5 were YOURS.

Looking at the positives...there is no other OP, she isn't leaving. So that's...a start, right?

I'm no DB coach and I don't know the first thing about winning a woman's heart but it sounds like sometimes you don't know what you're missing when you don't have it. She says she's fine with not feeling "in love" but once you feel it again you remember you aren't fine without. Maybe she needs to fall in love with you all over again without realising it.

I feel a bit silly offering my words to you LOL But I think the other posters were right about the email. Be still for a little bit and regain your footing.

"newbie fever" I like that phrase!

Re: I'm back! The choice is mine... [Re: Accuray] #2261329
07/10/12 10:28 PM
07/10/12 10:28 PM
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 238
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mab1 Offline
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Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 238
Accuray,

You have been an absolute gem for me and please know that there are so many people here who will be rooting for you.

As you know I am possibly the worst DB'er on the entire forum but one thing I wondered was are you doing anything for you? You mention the wife and your children but how about Accuray? Are you spending time doing things you enjoy?

Re: I'm back! The choice is mine... [Re: Accuray] #2261338
07/10/12 11:44 PM
07/10/12 11:44 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 951
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sayitaintso Offline
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sayitaintso  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 951
Originally Posted By: Accuray
So here I am, back to square one.


You are not back at square one Acc, you have become who you want to be. See below.


Originally Posted By: Accuray
I have become the husband and man I want to be -- a husband only a fool would leave, and I'm proud of my changes and effort expended. I can honestly look back and say I gave it my best shot.


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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