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#2259383 07/02/12 11:05 PM
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I am new here and wanted to get feedback, encouragement, and advice. I know people often say that they never saw this coming, but I really didn’t. We weren’t arguing with any frequency, still laughed and joked around a lot, were intimate, and making future plans. One night he started picking a fight with me and was saying things that didn’t make any sense. It was as though he was looking back over our life together and rewriting history in a very negative, distorted way. I was very hurt and confused, and just withdrew at that point, thinking we could discuss everything more rationally the next day.

Boy was I wrong! On 6/2/2012, my husband tells me that I have become very negative over the past 2 years, was not as confident as I used to be, and that he felt as though he was all I had and it was too much pressure. I am not a perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, but I can tell you that none of these things is true (I have NOT said this to him—I just listen and tell him I’m sorry he feels so badly about me and us right now). Especially over the past 6 months, I have felt very happy with my life, satisfied with my work, felt more confident than I ever have, and enjoy many rewarding friendships. My husband, on the other hand, has very few friends (frequently complains about this), an extremely stressful job, and an unhealthy mother he is solely responsible for (very small family, everyone else lives out of state). That same day he tells me that he is having a “crisis of the mind” and needs to be by himself. He gathers up some clothes, and goes to his mother’s house. While he has primarily stayed with her over the past 4 weeks, he has also stayed with his father at times, and is currently staying by himself at his mother’s lake house.

It took me a while, but after some of the hurt and confusion cleared I recognized that my husband had slipped into a moderate Major Depressive Episode. There are also elements of an existential crisis (MLC-like). Hindsight being 20/20, there were some signs before that fateful day (agitation, sleep disturbance). Currently, he cries frequently, is not sleeping or eating, thinking is very negative and distorted, isolating himself, etc. There are times when he seems to recognize this, and times when he blames all of his woes on me and our relationship. Irony is, he has been doing worse since he left, but given that all those around him only have his version of events (I’m horrible, our marriage is horrible) I think they just chalk this up to dealing with this stressful situation. They all have expressed shock that this is happening, however—we were always one of those couples that people told us how much they admired our relationship.

I have been using 180 and last resort techniques, with some success. We see each other 1-2 times per week and I am very positive and cheerful, in part to not fulfill what he has said about me. Since doing this, he has been contacting me more frequently. He keeps telling me that he goes back and forth between wanting to end our marriage (he refuses to use the D word) and coming back. Strange thing is, he tells me that he wants to be with me no matter what—he has some bizarre idea that if we divorce, we will start over and date one another. Most recently he told me that he is not coming back. I asked him if he meant not coming back to the house, or not coming back to our relationship and he says he does not know which. Based on things he has said, he now seems to be blaming the house for how he is feeling. So confusing, so frustrating. I feel like I can’t put too much stock in anything he says but it is still hurtful. He is confused by my kind and supportive demeanor, and seems to keep trying to bait me into arguments so that I’ll be the one to make the call to divorce. He recently enlarged a tattoo on his arm, and showed me this with a sheepish grin. I asked about his demeanor and he said he knew I had wanted him to get the tattoo removed. This is not true—I have never said this. In fact, he has always regretted getting this tattoo, and has expressed the desire to get it removed himself! It felt like some teenage rebellion, but also a desperate attempt to find something, anything that will make him feel better.

He refuses to even consider MC, but has expressed periodic thoughts of going to his doctor for help. He has just been in a holding pattern for the past 4 weeks, though, and has done nothing constructive to help himself. I have thought about contacting his father (we have a good relationship) to see if he can encourage him to get some help, but things are so tenuous that this feels risky. I have talked with his doctor, who was very supportive, but my husband has to make an appointment and get in there. I don’t know what else to do. Currently, I feel as though I’m drowning in all of this, sacrificing what is best for me for what is best for him. This still feels like a nightmare, and I cannot believe it at times. It has been quite a roller coaster ride, and I don’t know if I should keep doing what I’m doing and be patient, or do something else. He keeps telling me it is not fair to me to keep waiting for him to sort this out when he does not know if he will ever sort it out. I keep telling him he is not forcing me to do anything, that I make my own choices, but he seems to be putting pressure on himself to make some sort of decision in his very indecisive state (I believe some of this pressure comes from his mother as well). I keep telling him that he should not rush this decision and that he should focus on feeling better first. This situation is all the more complicated because of the depression and the fact that he is not residing with me. I’ve thought about going dark for my own sanity, but I am concerned he will hurt himself.

I’m sorry this is so long—any input is appreciated. Please let me know if there are other details that would be helpful.

H:32 Me:36
Together 7 yrs
Married 3 yrs
Separated since 6/2/2012

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Welcome to the board.

You need to let him go.

Get the DR book and read it.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2260879 07/09/12 01:15 PM
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Thanks, Cadet. I have read DR, and really wish there was more info on dealing with a depressed spouse, especially one who suddenly left.

I will take your advice. Thanks again.

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I haven't gotten much input, but sometimes it helps just to type things out...

The latest is that H and I got together this past week before he left the state to visit his brother. Said he wanted to give me a check for his part of the household expenses, and it occurred to me that he could have just mailed it...interesting.

He's continued to stay at the lake house, but is saying that he does not think it is good for him to be by himself. I didn't ask what he meant by that because I told myself I am not going to repeat past mistakes by trying to get him to see he is depressed. I'm just trying to be supportive and listen. He has been withdrawing from everyone, so I don't know that he sees returning to his mother's house as an option. Definitely won't stay with dad. I don't think he'll want to return to our home, and don't know that this is the best idea anyway given his instability. I worry that he'll decide to get an apartment, in which case I'm done because if he can commit to a year-long lease then to me that is a sign he has no intention of working our way back together again.

He seems very interested/intrigued by my cheerfulness and the many activities I'm busying myself with. Each time I talk with him he says "You seem like you're doing really well." Like a broken record, he says this over and over again. Last time I just said I am doing the best I can and keeping myself busy. The last time I saw him he asked me what I had been thinking about our relationship. I said that my feelings haven't changed, and that I still want to work on us when he's ready. The man still seriously needs to address his depression before anything really meaningful could be done about our relationship, but instead of continuing to try convincing him of this, I just keep hoping he'll realize it himself. I've planted the seeds, and ultimately he has to be the one invested in improving his current state.

As depressed as he is, I still worry that he will sleep with someone else while visiting his brother, whose moral compass doesn't exactly point due north. He is drinking a LOT so who knows what he'll do. I just keep telling myself ultimately I can't control what he does.

Any input/support is much appreciated.


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