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Brit45 Offline OP
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Oh and I knew it was the right thing for me...I felt really proud of how I handled myself on the dates, the decisions I was making to not let a relationship interfere with the routines and time I'd built with S (even though the new guy had to go back but still I was consciously thinking lets not go with a flow think about how much time, when, etc you would spend dating and away from S) and that instead of floating away with the butterflies in my stomach I looked at it pragmatically.

I was literally afraid of the backlash thing here. I know how I've felt when others have put that they were done, or going to look for a new relationship and I was worried I'd get a lot of "well only you know when you're truley done" I don't know that I'm truley done but even if H turned around today I'd have a lot to consider. I became more and more aware that maybe he wasn't or couldn't be the partner I wanted. I'm not racing to find a new partner like in the past I'm just leaving more windows open!

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Brit45 Offline OP
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One more thing.....that whole paragraph I just wrote would have given me a panic attack a few months ago! No plan? No what if's? Windows open willy nilly? Yep.....

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and for goodness sake its a date or two.. brit its ok to have a little fun. i think you handled it well. i too would have had a panic attack just a couple months ago. i think it is a sign that we are going to be ok. if we personally are going to be ok, i think that opens the doors to just about anything being possible.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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zig Offline
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ok guys - was just poking and prodding a bit last night - wanted to get to what you two were really feeling within yourselves.

i can't say that dating is not acceptable during our sitches. i really don't know where i am at on that issue. i can't say that i wouldn't say yes if someone asked me out for a coffee, but i don't think myself that i'm ready for dinner!

what you both describe about your feelings - they sound really valid. if we are supposed to also view our future lives entirely without our h's it seems logical that we would at least dip our toes in the water to see what the alternatives are.

just wanted to make sure that your own states of mind were in a healthy place doing it. it's one thing to do it after detachment , another thing to do it as a reaction.


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Great point, zig. Looking for the next shiny object to take our minds off what's really happening usually does not end well.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Brit45 Offline OP
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I have spent the majority of my life looking for "the next shiny thing" whether that was moving, a new job, a new vacation/adventure, a new man, anything to plan or "get my teeth in" to distract me from the here and now.

This is the first time in my life that I'm not wishing my life away in order to get to the next thing or place or person.

I am really happy and confident. I did the whole he's in a relationship...I should be going on dates too! That's when I had those two dates in April with highly successful men that I acted sort of crazy on/during and self sabotaged. I wasn't ready, I was doing it for the right reasons. I think actually when I did tell them those crazy stories from my past I was attempting to push them away.

I approached this completely differnt and my new no expectations, no plans mentality was the same. I just got to know someone...didn't let myself get swept away as I would have done in the past...good looking, nice, really into me...okay let's go with it. No not so much anymore.

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Quote:
I have spent the majority of my life looking for "the next shiny thing" whether that was moving, a new job, a new vacation/adventure, a new man, anything to plan or "get my teeth in" to distract me from the here and now.


Yes, we share that trait it seems. This process has taught me so much about my motivations and reactions and that it's not helpful to reach for whatever it is that's going to make me feel less anxiety in the short term.

Because it usually comes with a price.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Hey guys,
I too have been struggling with the idea of going out with guys... I have been on a couple of dates, and have even been asked out (by two people now!) and while I've enjoyed the dates, I've told them that I don't think I'm ready for a relationship, at least until I have some closure on the divorce "thing." They have been understanding so far but right now the problem is that I wouldn't even know how to choose! Haha.

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zig Offline
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it's not helpful to reach for whatever it is that's going to make me feel less anxiety in the short term.

Because it usually comes with a price.


wow - labug - i didn't realize that i felt that until i read this!! and i see how i tried to alleviate my anxiety through r's. but wow, do we pay the price

brit - i agree with everything you say - part of our growth here is to become the shiny object OURSELVES!!


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Brit45 Offline OP
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Quote:
part of our growth here is to become the shiny object OURSELVES!!
do you know what this guy let's call him A told me he split up with his long term GF (7 years) in Feb. and I was like WOAH, red flag, FEB? I know everyone's journey is different but that's really soon. He also said that she left him because he never proposed then they got back together and he proposed and a year later she left him. I said so why didn't you ever propose before she brought it up. He said I had bought a ring about 3 years in and then it just never felt right.....but he stayed with her until she walked away. Sorry, I'm not looking for another guy like H. I find myself listening more to these stories that told me about him rather than the butterflies I got or how pretty his eyes were!


I need a new thread

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