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Thank you, JCJ. I was panicking, I felt so guilty.

What I'd like to change.
I don't want to always feel like I need to be right.
I want to feel like I can give my husband space and he will come back when he is done with having space. I don't want him to feel bad for wanting to spend time doing other things.
I don't want to always feel like I'm waiting for him to talk to me or contact me or make it obvious that he is thinking about me.

What am I doing that's working.
I don't know. I'm trying to just be calm and accepting, but I still get annoyed over stuff. Just yesterday, he asked me, "what are you planning on doing about laundry?" We'd already discussed this ten times, and he said I could go back to the old apartment to use his washing machine. I said, "I guess I'll just find a laundromat?" and he said ok. And I got really upset, because he already said I could use his washing machine, and I already said that I wanted to. So I said, like, "I guess you changed your mind!?!" and he got angry. But we had already discussed it, so I don't know why he had to bring it up again.

Meanwhile, we are talking online every day and I guess everything is fine and we're not really fighting in general. Everything is just so business-like. I don't know how to change the dynamic of our conversations, but I feel like NOTHING has changed. The one thing that I am making sure I do is to say thank you for everything that he does and tell him how much I appreciate things.

I just can't do what Chuck said to about laughing and smiling. It just isn't natural and doesn't seem to fit in with the dynamic we have right now. It's all business, all the time. I try to laugh when it's appropriate, but there has just not been a good time to do it.

I just don't know what else I can do.

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I don't know if I'm losing my mind, but I swear I've posted to you on this thread,

but can't find my post.

Maybe you have several threads...which is why it really helps if you stick to just one (just sayin'...)

I'm trying to find my previous post and questions to you...alas, I cannot find them...

Well, I'll give this a try but I don't want to repeat myself any more than usual!


Originally Posted By: sophiedaphne
Thank you, JCJ. I was panicking, I felt so guilty.

What I'd like to change.
I don't want to always feel like I need to be right.


Then stop it...

Where the head goes, the heart will follow.
You KNOW in your head it's impossible to be right all the time AND frankly, it's annoying.

MUCH healthier to speak your piece and let it go if things do not go your way.

There are very very few "battles" worth fighting. Pick them wisely.

I want to feel like I can give my husband space and he will come back when he is done with having space. I don't want him to feel bad for wanting to spend time doing other things.

You only control the first above b/c you do NOT control how HE will feel or react. If you don't want him to feel a certain way, then do not try to control the outcome or manipulate with guilt/pouting or shame inducing words.

If he still feels bad and you KNOW it wasn't on you, then let go of it. Not your problem.

But you are essentially discussing your fear he wont' come back and that is a reflection of low self esteem (unless he's a chronic deserter).

Ask yourself Why a man would leave a good catch like you?

your fear is "Oh he already left..so if I'm so great, why'd he leave me?"

and I'm saying that once you make the changes you need to make you will be the better choice.

Most healthy people need time alone and with other friends. They don't get all their needs met by their spouse-

and that's NOT a reflection of a bad marriage

but a marriage with some independence.

No offense, but Much of your posts reek of co=dependency and it's a turn off for your h. Right or wrong, it is. Frankly, he's probably looking for some healthy boundaries.

I think the book for you (other than the Div Busting books)

is "Co-dependent No More"...please read it asap. Many people say it helped them to detach and have some healthy boundaries and Not smother their WAS which only pushes them farther away...

During my younger sister's first m, She hovered around him in their marriage and took up almost NO hobbies or outside interests if it interfered with her time with her h. She HATED it when he was gone for work or on any outing not including her.

In retrospect, it would have been GREAT if she had continued in her passions b/c they made her happier AND a lot more interesting. She "brought something to the table"...but she chose to revolve around him and that got old fast, and boring to him, and she was emotionally needy too...

so when he dropped the bomb

she panicked, and smothered him MORE, and, well, she just lost her shiTT.

He had an OW and married her. It has been >10 years. My sister also remarried.

But she spent YEARS wondering about her ex h, even after he remarried. She kept up with him thru FB and mutual friends and she obessed about it for a LONG Time...really until she remarried.

In sum, She's very dependent on the man in her life. She's funny and smart but won't change her inner core - and there are childhood issues she'd rather repeat forever, than look at...


I don't want to always feel like I'm waiting for him to talk to me or contact me or make it obvious that he is thinking about me.


yes - this ^^ is just way too much dependence& hovering. It screams out "insecurity!". It's not attractive, sorry.

Why must he obsess about you? Does his work involve you? Do his hobbies involve you or looking at you or talking about you?

Seriously, why would your h "need" to think about you when he's not w/you?

My h is an MD, and I hope to God he's not reminded of me at work when he does his surgeries or talks to cancer patients...he used to be a veterinarian and I sure as heck hope his work with cows and dogs did not make him think of me...

why must your h think of you AND make it obvious? It sounds really high maintenance.

What was your parent's marriage like? Where did you get this vision of marriage and the need for so much reassurance?



What am I doing that's working.
I don't know. I'm trying to just be calm and accepting, but I still get annoyed over stuff.

THAT^^ is within YOUR CONTROL - and that is empowering.


Just yesterday, he asked me, "what are you planning on doing about laundry?" We'd already discussed this ten times, and he said I could go back to the old apartment to use his washing machine. I said, "I guess I'll just find a laundromat?" and he said ok. And I got really upset, because he already said I could use his washing machine, and I already said that I wanted to.

2 issues strike me.

First, do you really expect to keep on using the machines in your FORMER apartment, that YOU LEFT, for LONG TERM? Seems clear that it would be a temporary solution...

and second, what's with the word games?

IF you think you are going to keep using the machines that are there and that he meant for you to keep using it ...say so

OR If that's what you want to do, then say so. Why not come right out and say what you mean?


"Oh I was hoping to keep using the machines, and thought it was fine w/you''.

NO NEED TO GET UPSET...or play guessing games.

you are making this more complicated than it has to be. And you never really explained why YOU moved out...



So I said, like, "I guess you changed your mind!?!" and he got angry. But we had already discussed it, so I don't know why he had to bring it up again.

Meanwhile, we are talking online every day and I guess everything is fine and we're not really fighting in general.

Please do NOT pursue him online (stalk or use fb to contact him, including indirectly...)
and don't be so available. And End the conversations first. Have you read the "rules" for newbies?


Everything is just so business-like. I don't know how to change the dynamic of our conversations, but I feel like NOTHING has changed. The one thing that I am making sure I do is to say thank you for everything that he does and tell him how much I appreciate things.


did you thank him for the use of the laundry machines? that must have felt so weird/awkward for him to have you there after you'd gotten your own place. Can you see how dependent you still seem to be?

Get to a laundry mat and deal w/it without him. I would not go over there for anything, until he invites you over to spend some time.

But do NOT TELL HIM THAT...just show with actions and sometimes, silence, that you are becoming the woman he wants to be with.



I just can't do what Chuck said to about laughing and smiling. It just isn't natural and


have you been depressed before all this? Why do you say it's not natural? You mean "now" or usually?


doesn't seem to fit in with the dynamic we have right now. It's all business, all the time. I try to laugh when it's appropriate, but there has just not been a good time to do it.

I just don't know what else I can do.


be a warm interested person and an interestING person, which means going out of your comfort zone a whole lot more than you are so far.

Rent comedies or go see live comedy and talk about something FUNNY b/c laughing is a great bonding experience and it lessens stress.

Be upbeat and optimistic about YOUR Future...w/or without him...knowing you will be alright no matter what. More than "alright".

let that radiate from within. It's appealing and attractive. Back WAY WAY OFF OF HIM.

give him enough space and rope to fall off a cliff-- b/c you are GAL

and you have too much to do to keep waiting around for anyone else.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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do you want this thread 'stuck' or is it ok to unstick?


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Hey.
So, I've definitely been trying to back off, and I can't say it has been working in regard to my husband's response, but I guess I'm feeling a little better.

However, I did have a little setback.

We had concert tickets to see "The Wall" on Saturday and I had invited a friend to go, but husband asked me if it would be ok if he took a friend. I didn't feel like arguing about it, so I just said fine.

The next day he texted me to ask me some question and I asked him how the concert was. He said it was good, and I asked him if he went with a work friend. He said, "yes, I took a friend." I found it weird that he answered as such, mostly because I know his friends' names, so I wasn't sure why he didn't just say which friend he took (not that it's any of my business) and curiosity got the best of me and I asked if there was someone else. He said no and told me that that was a hurtful question for me to even ask.

I don't really see how...

Anyways, I forgot to change my address on amazon and something that I ordered is being shipped to my old apartment so I will unfortunately have to stop there at some point to get it, so I will see him. I will try to take the above advice.

I have also been asked out by three different people in the last week. One was a high school friend, the other a college friend, and the third was a guy I just met through a vegetarian/atheist group I'm a member of. I have to say, it's so tempting to start dating again but I've already told them all that I just don't think I'm ready and I don't want feelings to get hurt because it's too soon. (Also, I would have no idea how to pick which guy to date, haha.)

I did go out to dinner with one of them last night, and I had a really nice time. Unfortunately, he is probably a little too old for me. I'm also going to splish splash (water park) on Sunday with my college friend. It should be fun!

I am definitely GAL and having a lot of fun. I keep having dreams about my husband and I reconciling, though, so when I wake up, it hits real hard.

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Originally Posted By: sophiedaphne
Hey.
So, I've definitely been trying to back off, and I can't say it has been working in regard to my husband's response, but I guess I'm feeling a little better.

However, I did have a little setback.

We had concert tickets to see "The Wall" on Saturday and I had invited a friend to go,


out of curiousity, you said "we" had tickets..." But who had gotten the tickets, you, him, or both of you?


but husband asked me if it would be ok if he took a friend. I didn't feel like arguing about it, so I just said fine.

The next day--- I asked him if he went with a work friend. He said, "yes, I took a friend." I found it weird --- and curiosity got the best of me and I asked if there was someone else. He said no and told me that that was a hurtful question for me to even ask.

I don't really see how...


you don't see how? Well, maybe b/c it implies that he is a liar.

Or maybe b/c it's near the truth.

We don't know. But it's sort of pointless to wonder about things that cannot yield you a positive answer. Do you know what I mean?


Anyways, I forgot to change my address on amazon and something that I ordered is being shipped to my old apartment so I will unfortunately have to stop there at some point to get it, so I will see him. I will try to take the above advice.


Every interaction is an opportunity for you to show him a change in you.

So be the change you want to see in yourself. Even if it's just for an hour of "Practicing" or faking it til you make it, it's a start.

Remember the negative images that you want to counter, and what types of positive images and actions would help you do that.


Let him learn to be comfortable and unpressured around you. Do not show disappointment or expectation. The more relaxed he becomes, or learns to be, the easier it is to be around you then the more you can bond together again.



I have also been asked out by three different people in the last week. One was a high school friend, the other a college friend, and the third was a guy I just met through a vegetarian/atheist group I'm a member of. I have to say, it's so tempting to start dating again

Uh, wasn't your other thread about how you made out with a guy and then felt bad? (titled, "I Kissed a boy& I liked it but now I feel bad" ???)

So how many times are you going to go down this same road?

Why do you think you do this?

And if your h had taken a woman to the concert, how would you feel? I mean he left you for reasons you admit were valid. So, aren't you trying to show him the new different you?

How would dating ANYONE ELSE now, show the new you? You said you want to become more selfless, that you don't always need to be right, that you don't always have to have a man thinking about you, and that you are not high maintenance?

So how does dating, WHILE supposedly wanting to reconcile, show any of those things?

AND How would it be fair to the new guy?

Also for you to be asked out 3 times in one week means you are putting out a signal you might want to look at.

Either it's neediness radiating from you, or a lot of flirting, but neither seems appropriate or healthy, just right now, correct?


but I've already told them all that I just don't think I'm ready and I don't want feelings to get hurt because it's too soon. (Also, I would have no idea how to pick which guy to date, haha.)

So you know you are not ready to date.....Just curious, Why would they ask you out at all if they think you are working on restoring your marriage?



I did go out to dinner with one of them last night, and I had a really nice time.


Wait...what?? So you ARE Dating?? Wow, I'm confused now.

Unfortunately, he is probably a little too old for me. I'm also going to splish splash (water park) on Sunday with my college friend. It should be fun!

I am definitely GAL and having a lot of fun. I keep having dreams about my husband and I reconciling, though, so when I wake up, it hits real hard.



Mornings are often the hardest, I know. But what I don't know is,

What is it that you really want most?

Are you honestly willing to work on yourself even if there is no guarantee he'll come back-

and the only "thing" you'll get is an improved you?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Hi Sophiedaphne, how are your goals coming along?

DBmod, please feel free to unstick if you like.


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I found out he was having an affair.

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Sophiedaphne, you precious woman!

I am so sorry to hear...

May God comfort you!

And may you find the strength to keep on galing and and divorce busting, because, I believe it's worth it, no matter what smile

Love

Amada

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I'm so so sorry Sophiedaphne, that is heartbreaking.


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How are you doing? I am thinking of you. Betrayal is so horribly hurtful, and you must be going through a very hard time now...At least it was that way for me, when I found out...

Also I wanted to say sorry for mentioning God. I forgot that you wrote about the atheist group and for me it is so natural to think of God, since I 'm a believer. There was no intention. So please accept my apology. =)

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