Why I love these boards, I always get something that point so what I need to learn.
Quote:
Are you saying that during the conversations with your W, you did not put any of your needs on the table?
I needed to hear(read) that.
Thanks, KD.
NP, bug.
I continue to work on that, myself.
A stable M is different than a WAS is different than MLC is different than A is different than piecing... etc... at least, as a sitch...
And yet, the work is the same, in most cases... for the LBS...
Except in piecing and a stable M... OUR needs as well as appropriate boundaries are OK and should be stated clearly.
Until we are in a stable M / R or in piecing... our needs have nothing to do with our spouse and are likely contrary to and/or conflictual with THEIR needs.
And for them, that's their new norm. It sux... but it is what it is...
This week since returning from our trip has been difficult.
Sadness and grief and feeling that I am about at the end of this road.
We say have no expectations, but I do. I try not to but they creep in. We say detach and I have, but not completely. Maybe I need the cutting of the legal ties that bind to really detach.
The fact that he said he was done and left but has not filed is just a continuation of our old R. Being the fixer it was easy for me to jump in and *fix things* that he didn't want to do. Now is it up to me to *fix* this for him? Or would it be fixing it for me?
I keep telling myself I feel this way today and tomorrow I will feel different, but I haven't. I've been sad, and weepy at times and also notice my black dog (depression) nipping at my heels a bit. It's interesting how I can tell the difference in my feelings of sadness and those of depression. That's something positive, I guess. I can see the the dog approaching and take steps to protect myself.
I know I've again let go of the discipline I've tried to maintain with yoga, meditation, exercise. I'm working to recover that and hoping it will be helpful as it has been in the past. I'm also increasing my GAL activities and have been quite busy but those sad feelings are still there waiting for me in the quiet moments.
I know Adinva has mentioned that she can't believe this is happening in her sitch and I feel that, too. How could it be so bad that you cut someone you loved for so long out of your life? That doesn't mean that I don't realize that things were bad; I did a lot of damage to the R but to not try seems so crazy.
But, I'm a fixer. He never had to fix anything because I was there, fixing. Fixing is not all bad, sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to fix things (and not just the broken dishwasher that I'm currently dealing with).
Maybe my interference kept him from gaining that skill.
As I think through this, I realize that it's my expectations that have most likely brought me to this point. Before the vacation we were having pleasant email exchanges and a few texts, flirty, friendly, fun stuff. I had even fixed some food for him that I left at his place when I knew he was returning from a week out of town. He thanked me for it a couple of times and told me how good it was. Later, he sent me an email wishing me a good trip. I didn't contact at all during the trip but sent an text from the airport about a funny thing that happened with S(19) which he responded to.
When we got home, I emailed some photos and a short recap of the trip and the conference we attended.
Dead silence from his end.
So maybe I should back off.
But I'm really tired of this.
Advice?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
i think i relate to what you are saying...am very busy, GAL etc, but really feel quite lonely...
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Wow LA I feel almost exactly the same way as what you expressed in your post. I actually posted my whining this morning early and it was so similar to yours that its uncanny. I can't for the life of me see how she can just act as though we haven't had 15 years together and be so....I dont know if casual is the word but its what comes to mind....as though I dont mean anymore to her than the guy making her coffee at starbucks...and possibly less b/c im betting she's friendlier to him than to me right now.
Funny thing is, all of these feelings have been welling up inside of me in the last week....and its been a good week. It really has been a good week, not only for me, but for "us" if there is an us...at the very least our interactions have been really good this week and I can see her slowly coming out of the shell that she put around herself....its very slowly, but it does look like she's peaked out a few times recently and based on the fact that she didnt immediately jump back in she must have at least been a little more curious about what she's seeing, or maybe she even liked what she saw.
Point is even with good vibrations going this week, I to can see the black dog creeping up on me. I never really thought about the difference in sadness and depression, but its obvious that this isnt normal sadness b/c with the week i've had I have no reason to be sad right now.
I dont know that I have any advice for you because when i start to feel sorry for myself when i've been seperated for 9 weeks and see someone who's been seperated so much longer its amazing the resolve it must take to stand for your marriage that long. I hope that im able to do that, im simply deciding each morning that i'll stand for my marriage another day and thats the only day I really worry about.
Again I don't have advice, but I do have encouragement.....im sure you've heard plenty of this, but we all love compliments....I know nothing about you except that your amazingly strong....you have stood for your marriage and have worked/are working to improve yourself and in this world today that is rare. Very few people are willing to fight at all for their marriage, much less to recognize and admit their own role in the failure of it.
I'll finish with this.....i've always said that because I believe in marriage, and also because im completely convinced the kids never truly recover from it and it causes them problems their entire lives that I would do everything in my power to stay married. I had a man tell me a few years back that when my S11 is a grown man and comes to me and asks why I didnt try harder to keep our family together that I better be able to look at him face to face and tell him that I did everything in my power to make our marriage work and it simply didnt work out. Throughout this entire process that has been on my mind whenver I want to throw my hands up b/c she's so cold to me. But when I see people like you and others who have stood so much longer and more strongly than me I know that if I were to give up now I couldnt look him in the eye and say those words so I put my head down and get back to work. So just know that your not only an inspiration to others, but your an incredibly strong woman who is to be admired.
Going there now!!