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#2255521 06/19/12 10:39 AM
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Starting a new thread, old can be found here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...921#Post2251921


M-41
W-41
D-7
M- 10yrs
I still love you, but 4-25-12
Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12
Confirmed PA 6-9-12
dscl #2255524 06/19/12 10:49 AM
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So today was not a good day.

As mentioned in my last post, father's day was a nice day, W seemed to have fun spending the day with D and me.

I was going to start paying some bills and logged int my cellphone online account to see how much was owed. As I mentioned before, W phone is part of my plan and one I logged in I could not help myself and looked at her usage. I saw that while she was with us on father's day she was texting the OM, so what time she had along like going to the bathroom, she was texting OM. This really hurt because while we where together she could not stop texting the OM. I know I should be detached and should not have looked or cared about what she is doing, but it still hurts that a day I thought we doing things as a family, she was still reaching out for her OM.

I don't know, it just seems that everyday I loose a little more of my resolve to continue this way. I know this will take time but it's hard to continue everyday when things like this come to light.

Well today is my first IC session and will take about all of this.


M-41
W-41
D-7
M- 10yrs
I still love you, but 4-25-12
Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12
Confirmed PA 6-9-12
dscl #2255641 06/19/12 04:27 PM
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Posts: 81
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dscl Offline OP
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So just got back from my first IC session and after I told her what I'm going though, her answer was I should give the W the ultimate of leave the OM, have zero intact with him and we would meed to go to MC, if not I should file for D.

More confused than ever. frown


M-41
W-41
D-7
M- 10yrs
I still love you, but 4-25-12
Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12
Confirmed PA 6-9-12
dscl #2255651 06/19/12 04:55 PM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
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Yep, she is addicted to him and the PEAs that contact with him gives her. Thinking otherwise is deluding yourself. Continuing to expose yourself to it is similar to continuing to expose yourself to (and enabling and making excuses for) an out of control drug addict. The woman that spent Father's Day with you is not your W. It is your WAS.

Again, this is not to say that you need to be mean, vindictive and punishing to her. But, it also does not mean that you need to expose yourself to her and make excuses for her choices (would you do that for a drug addict still actively using?). That is co-dependence, if so. She can make other choices.

Re: what your IC said, it totally depends what your boundaries are. If I had the hard evidence (admission) that you do re: your W is in an ongoing relationship with someone else, then I would file for D in a heartbeat. But that is one of my own boundaries. I don't know whether it is a boundary of yours that the person you are married to is not in a sexual R and living with another person.

If you were to do it, I would NOT frame it the way your IC is suggesting though (as an ultimatum). I would simply say to my WAS that I really had enjoyed spending Father's Day with her and that her being there made it especially special. But that I felt betrayed by her having contact with OM during your day. I would then say, I am not ok in being in a marital R with someone that is cheating on me. And, for that matter, I am not ok with having an R of any kind with someone that doesn't respect me and my family. I'm sorry hurting you in the past W and for my part in where we are, but it just doesn't work for me, W. And then file for divorce.


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
bustorama #2255709 06/19/12 07:15 PM
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I know. The fact she was texting him while she was with me and D on FATHER'S DAY, from inside our family home has ended any thought I've had of saving this R.

Don't know if years from now we can start a new one, but this R, cannot be saved.

I'm calling my mother tonight to fill her in on what's going on. After that, will wait to have my D's birthday and then send W the following.

W,

I'm mournful of the situation we find ourselves in but I also need to think of what type of man I want to be in the future, I want to be able to look in the mirror and respect the man that looks back at me and if I continue on this path, I can’t. I also need to show D a man that she can respect, for this will be what she bases her views on what a man should be, and the type of man she would want in her life. I know I have issues and I’ve begun my journey to face and fix them, I want at some point, to be able to love and be loved by someone who wants me. While I wish that person would be you, I must accept that you may not be that person.

I cannot be in a marriage with someone that is having an affair that they can't end. And, for that matter, I cannot accept having a relationship with someone that doesn't respect me or D, I know you where texting him while you where with us on father’s day, it hurts to know that you would do this on the day that was suppose to celebrate fathers, but it shows me what little respect you have for me at this time. I'm sorry for hurting you in the past and for my part in where we are, but I can't choose the path you are on, I can only control mine.


M-41
W-41
D-7
M- 10yrs
I still love you, but 4-25-12
Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12
Confirmed PA 6-9-12
dscl #2255817 06/19/12 11:09 PM
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So yesterday W told me she was going to go on a business trip out of state for the rest of the week. I just logged into are bank account and saw she deposited $50.00 into our account(I guess it's better than her taken money out!) at a local ATM. She knows I know about the A, why does she still feel she needs to lie to me?


M-41
W-41
D-7
M- 10yrs
I still love you, but 4-25-12
Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12
Confirmed PA 6-9-12
dscl #2255831 06/19/12 11:57 PM
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Why does it matter? If you know, and she knows you know, why does she need to say anything?

unbidden #2255848 06/20/12 12:48 AM
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Thats my point, why lie, just say nothing.


M-41
W-41
D-7
M- 10yrs
I still love you, but 4-25-12
Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12
Confirmed PA 6-9-12
dscl #2257660 06/26/12 10:32 PM
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So it's been awhile not much new to report, don't know if OM is still in the picture and don't care.

W works at a national park and they have camping and rides for kids, D spent the weekend there with W and had a great time. W calls me today and says she has a meeting and can't drive D home and if I would mind picking her up, I said sure no problem. When I get there she want to show off our D to her boss(from past post, this is the boss who knows she is having an A) and ask if I want to go also. I give her a stare that could cut steel, she notices the mistake she made and says "That would be weird huh?" I said YES. So she takes D and I wait in the car for them to come back. I just don't understand how she would not see how this would be so disrespecfull ??

While sitting there I had a moment of clarity, I thought I NEEDED to be with my W but know I see that I wanted to be with my W I don't NEED to be with her.

And just like that, I start to feel the pressure that has been in my chest since this began lifted.


M-41
W-41
D-7
M- 10yrs
I still love you, but 4-25-12
Think she might have EA/PA 5-17-12
Confirmed PA 6-9-12
dscl #2257880 06/27/12 04:52 PM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
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Originally Posted By: dscl
While sitting there I had a moment of clarity, I thought I NEEDED to be with my W but know I see that I wanted to be with my W I don't NEED to be with her.

And just like that, I start to feel the pressure that has been in my chest since this began lifted.


This sounds like it was a powerful epiphany for you. Glad you experienced it, dscl.

It really is a liberating and eye-opening experience when we realize that we are and will continue to be fine by ourselves. And that when we are in a healthy R, we CHOOSE the R and still remain the same healthy individual that we are outside of an R. We don't NEED the other person or the R in order to be whole people or to be happy. We don't depend on the other person for our identity or our emotional well-being.

Have you had time to get into some self-improvement/GAL actvities? Any special activities or time with D planned or passed with the summer?


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

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