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Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 108
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Thanks Bklynmom. I'm trying to take it day by day. Today was a good day at work but very tiring. I'm so glad to be off for the next 2 days and spend some time with my daughter. Hopefully me and WAH will get to talk a little over the weekend. We've been working opposite shifts all week so we haven't talked much.


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
Confirmed EA: 8/12
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 108
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Posts: 108
Well everything changed. I found out today that at minimum he is having an emotional affair and is in love with the woman. It is a woman from his second job. It has been going on for a year and they have looked at a house together. My daughter has been at her house and played with her children. She is in the middle of divorcing her husband as well. I am absolutely devastated. I have calmed down a lot but made quite a few mistakes today like leaving him nasty vm's and screaming on the phone at him. I even went to the girl's work but they have an intercom and she wouldn't come down to see me. But I said some pretty nasty things over the intercom. I'm not sure the extent of their physical relationship. He says that he's not sleeping with her but he's still cheating on me. I can't believe that he did this. He said on the phone that he didn't mean for this to happen and this isn't why the divorce is happening. I have a letter from him to her that seems to suggest otherwise.

I am livid right now!

I can't think straight!

Help!


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
Confirmed EA: 8/12
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,144
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I haven't read thru your entire sitch, but try to calm down. Anything stupid you do (nasty vms, going to her work, etc) will just be justification for his behavior, and he'll just think "see, this is why I left her." You can't control him or the OW, only yourself. Hang in there...I know it's tough...but you are strong.


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 108
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Posts: 108
Breakdown,

Thank you. I know that now. After my major meltdown I have realized that I am doing more harm than good. I don't need to make the OW look more desirable. I'm still devastated but I'm handling it better. I need a gameplan now that I'm dealing with a totally different situation. Not only am I trying to convince my husband not to divorce me but now there is the OW that I'm "fighting" for my husband against.


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
Confirmed EA: 8/12
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 108
J
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OP Offline
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J
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 108
I am handling everything a lot better now. We are still in a very confusing place. Our first hearing is next Monday. I want to ask him to put the divorce on hold until I can get an attorney. I'm on a waiting list for a pro bono attorney. I'm terrified that it's going to turn into a huge mess.

He's at his parents house right now. His parents got my stepkids for the week so he went over there to see them and he won't be back until tomorrow after work.

I'm trying to work on changing myself. He's noticed a few things but I think he thinks certain things are just because I'm trying to get him back. I told him I'm just trying to work on myself.

Any advice?


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
Confirmed EA: 8/12
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
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Posts: 3,031
You need to:

1) Go as dark as possible on him - keep conversations to a minimum and about daughter only - keep those conversations to the point - you be the one to end them - stay away from R talk - do not be available to him

2) GAL

3) Detach

the only way that you have a chance if he starts to believe that you are becoming indifferent and are beginning to live and enjoy life without him.

This will take a while. Unless and until he begins to miss you and wonder about you, and what you are doing, you don't have a chance. You are also going to have to let this thing with OW play out for a while. Let the glitter of that R wear off.

Good luck.

Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 108
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Posts: 108
Thanks Denver.

The going dark is hard. We still live together and share household duties and financial responsibilities. We won't be around each other much this week because we are working opposite shifts.

We have our first hearing next Monday but I may have convinced my husband to postpone finalizing the divorce until I can get a probono attorney. I am on a waiting list. I did say I would still move out. He is very concerned that I am ignoring what is going on and just hoping that it will get better. I am very aware of what is going on and I am trying to make changes in myself that I need to make. I am praying for reconciliation but I am moving forward and making plans because I know there is a good chance that my husband will not change his mind. He is being very stubborn about this and will not even consider giving me another chance.

I did get upset last night because we were discussing the hearing and then he started talking about custody stuff and when he would have our daughter. The idea of being away from her for a weekend is unbearable. He wants to see her as much as possible and he will get her during the week too. We'll try and share her as much as possible to cut down on child care costs.

I'm trying to GAL. I went out to dinner and movies with a friend last Saturday. Me and my daughter went to the park yesterday and I met with my school advisor. I am just really busy and tired right now. I start school in 2 weeks and am looking for an apartment and I need to find child care for my daughter.

Emotionally I have been doing a lot better and able to keep my composure much more. Still a lot of work to do. I don't find myself thinking about the relationship every minute but I still let my mind wander at times when I'm not occupied.

I love everyone's support and advice! Very helpful!


Me:29; W:37
T: 6
M: 4
D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17
H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12
H moved back in: 6/28/12
Confirmed EA: 8/12
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