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Mostly, right now, I feel overwhelmingly guilty. I do feel as if my husband has put in a lot of effort the last year or maybe more of our relationship, and I do feel like I took him for granted a lot of the time. On the one hand, I wish I had taken him more seriously when he discussed things with me, but on the other hand, I wish he had really been more forthcoming and had expressed how he was feeling leading up to this so it wouldn't have been such a surprise for me. We both made mistakes, I'm sure, but overall, he was always able to see the big picture and realize that things weren't as serious as I took them to be. He said sorry even when he didn't need to say sorry just to preserve my feelings. Meanwhile, I instead wanted to make him feel badly for making mistakes and withheld affection and saying that I loved him, even when he said it. I tested him and played games with him. And it didn't make either of us feel particularly good. Looking back, I think this is stuff my parents used to do to me, and I don't know why I didn't consider how it used to make me feel. Even though it made me feel horrible, I still did it to the one person who I loved (and still love) more than anything. How could I not be mature enough to realize this until now? I think the damage is already done and I think any changes at this point forward are simply too little, too late. He loved me unconditionally, and I didn't express this sentiment back.

I have ruined this, and I don't believe there is any way to go back to how it was beforehand. I ruined Richard and I ruined our chance at ever being happy together. I pushed away the person who cared so much for me and made him unsure of what he even wants or values in life. How can I live with this forever?

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Sophiedaphne...

it's not over till it's over... focus on you... you've had a breakthrough.. embrace it... love him NOW unconditionally and he will see it... my W was the same with me... I did all she asked, and made changes in myself and she hoped that her feelings for me would change, all the time acting/saying that she loved me and that nothing was wrong... until the bomb... I'm hoping that with time and space, she will have the same breakthrough you did and realize that we should work on our M together... Keep the faith, be good and stay safe... God has a plan, and it's awesome... it will be revealed in time... everything happens for a reason... stay strong...


M:40 W:31
S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship)
Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me
MO: 6/1/12
T:14
M:9
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Thanks, Fightfire. He won't let me love him now. He can hardly stand to be in the same room as me. I'm trying to give him everything he needs right now, and he is doing what he can for me, but I broke him, it seems.

I hope the counselor tomorrow can help him realize that it's not too late. I really hope so. This hurts my heart so deeply.

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stay strong... he is hurting because he felt rejected, but given time, it will go away and he will see.. just keep loving him, work on you... make yourself into someone he would be a FOOL to walk away from... it takes time... I'm having a hard time realizing that myself... but all will be revealed in time... Counseling is good and will give you perspective... Have Faith, be good and stay safe...


M:40 W:31
S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship)
Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me
MO: 6/1/12
T:14
M:9
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Posts: 293
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I'm sorry you're going through this too. It is so hard. I haven't yet figured out out to make myself better. I'm finding it impossible to get that motivation I really need. I don't know how to get him to see that I'm growing as a person. I don't think his hurt can ever go away.

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Sophie,

It's wonderful and life-altering that you're recognizing the unhealthy patterns you used to fall into. Your challenge, over the next while, will be to learn to understand and forgive yourself, and create new & healthier ways of relating to others.

We are all brought up by imperfect parents, who wound us deeply, and yet we end up marrying someone who creates the same dynamic, because on an unconscious level it feels familiar and comfortable. Try not to beat yourself up too much about doing what we all do--the important thing is that once you can see the pattern, you needn't be trapped by it any more.

Also, you state that you "broke" your H; in fact, he too will have found himself replaying childhood dynamics in your treatment of him, and it's that double-whammy that has brought him to his knees. Don't worry about taking his hurt away, or showing him your changes right now--he is the only one who can do the work to understand where his wounds are, and how he can heal them.

Right now, just focus on becoming healthier, recognizing your strength, and give your H the space to grow and learn as you are doing.

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Hi Cyrena,

Thanks for your reply. It means a lot and reading it brought tears to me eyes. I don't think I can forgive myself.

I don't feel strong. I feel guilty. My husband hurt me, sure, but he never did it with an intent to hurt me. He did his best. And I know that I did things with the intent to hurt him. Quite often.

I hope this becomes evidenced during counseling. I hope he feels it's a safe place to discuss this stuff. It doesn't feel enough for him to say that he doesn't feel "ill will" towards me. How could he ever trust me again? He can't and we both know that he can't.

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Don't forget that you also did the best you could, given the inadequate tools you had at that point. We hurt people because we are hurting, because our needs aren't being met and we don't know how to get what we need in a healthy way.

To go back to your title, I think the best way to deal with the guilt is to become a person who knows better than to behave in ways for which you'll later feel guilty; once you feel sure of and proud about your changes, you'll have compassion for your earlier self.

But all this is a process--don't lose heart while you're still in the early stages, just know that your feelings will change over time and things will definitely get better. (((hugs)))

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Hi Cyrena,
Your words really help me, so thank you for that.

But what if there's no way to repair things? I will have to realize, throughout my life, that it was my behaviors and feelings that ended this marriage. That maybe if I had noticed sooner, or really took things seriously, there would have been a way to save us? There could have been a way to get back to how we were when we were happy and in love. My husband's self esteem is as low as it could be right now, and I'm at least partially responsible. That's a lot to accept right now.

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I know how painful that feels to you right now, and remember going through a similar remorse. I came to realize that although H & I had initially been very happy and in love, the skills we both brought to the M were insufficient--if we'd patched things together earlier, sure, we'd have limped along for a while, but we really needed to be forced to repair ourselves and our M properly, from the ground up, to create a satisfying M.

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