Wife of 7-Years is Divorcing Me, but Yet Not pt. 9

[unbidden]

I'm sorry that I seem to have offended some people here. But, the fact remains that she did not have to move at all. She CHOSE to move to further her career and left her son behind. IMO, she did not love him enough to put him first. I agree that a 3 1/2 year old needs a mother and that she should have stayed with him. But she chose to leave. That speaks volumes. Note that I did not say that she does not love her son. I said only that she did not love him enough to put him ahead of her career. That is obvious from the facts. She still should have regular contact with him and I never said that she shouldn't.

[Harrier]

I'm not offended, but I think you are way off base here. but the real point is how does this help Alamo? It doesn't. In fact, it smacks of righteousness that can get a lot of people in trouble.

You simply do not know what his W is thinking/feeling about her son. I try to reserve judgment in these type of situation because we are only getting probably 1/3 of the truth here. I know you want to support Alamo. That's fine, but making those kinds of statements isn't really support.

Study after study shows that kids who do well after divorce, succeed because the parents are cooperative and can be civil if not friendly. I know Alamo wants to give his son the best chance. Encouraging negative feelings about how much his W doesn't love his son isn't good. IMO.

[alamo76]

You can stop fighting over me, Harrier/unbidden!! Ha-ha!

I actually understand both your POVs. In spite of her decision, I still pray and hurt for her. More than anything, I would like our son to have mom and dad living happily under one roof in the near future, with the caveat that mom fixes herself, wants to work on US and then WE fix US.

I have always ensured our son knows that mom loves me very much and will continue to do so. There's no hers or mine ownership. In fact, that's the reason why I've 99% of the time used "our son" rather than "my son" in all of my posts here or anywhere.

[25yearsmlc]

I'm sorry but a 3 1/2 year old needs a mother, too, IMO. I don't understand how she can leave him, either.

JUST addressing this comment and the whole motherhood thing, for now...I am married to a physician and we married in college. I have seen what it takes to get into medical school and then to try and get the residency/speciality you want (If you want ALL specialities taught in all states, tell Congress b/c for some reason THEY decide this..)

Most candidates spend 4 years in college and have to do well with their GPA in a tough major (no joke majors), AND score well on their MCAT.THEN they go to medical school and compared to veterinary school, which my h had done, and compared to law school, which I did, med school is the most time consuming. Period. THEN you do your internship which begins your residency.

That is an 8 year path she has completed to be able to choose the residency she wanted and

Alamo married her, knowing she had an 8 year path to this.

She has achieved a goal very very few people achieve, despite all that has gone on between them.

Saying she is a lousy mother b/c she won't just give up her residency (and for which she probably owes 6 figures in school loans) is a tad too black & white for me. (She may be a lousy mom, but that isn't why)

Alamo, can she DEFER her residency? IF so, what does she do while it's deferred so she doesn't lose the skills she JUST gained? It's so easy to lose your edge.

Is there an internship in general or family medicine there where you are now? Is she open to switching fields if she has to? Almost a third do.

Those are options she may have that do not require her to drop it all and declare bankruptcy.

In case anyone has noticed, SHE was to be the main bread winner here so it's not in everyone's interest to drop all financial matters b/c we think she's a lousy mother to want a career...


With the hours she will be working (despite her claims to the contrary, I see residents working "overtime" all the time. it's not all that much "gentler" today than it was a decade ago). I think it's possible E- will be better off with you anyhow.

The idea that "BECAUSE SHE IS HIS MOTHER it's best for E to be with her" sort of ignores the

criminal/pathological lies she has told,

the nuclear weapons she has launched at the father of her son,

AND her brazen & deceitful attempts to rob them of each other. That is not a mother their son must have around all the time. Maybe she needs to get well.

On one hand, I cannot imagine even Alamo wanting his wife to stop the medical career AND THEN pay off med school loans.

(My h owed $175k so as much as I detested his unrelenting hours, I could hardly tell him to just quit to "prove his love/commitment". It just wasn't realistic or mature).

Just telling her to quit b/c she's a mother, isn't as cut & dried as some suggest.

Alamo, I'm glad the legal issues went in your favor. btw, OF COURSE she has to pay for the lying. She's damn lucky you didn't sue her for alienation, defamation and libel and more if I spend time thinking about it!! .



But please, Don't assume she'll hit rock bottom AND THAT it will translate into her wanting to reconcile...

It's ingrained in her to lash out when she hits rock bottom.

For all I know, some day soon, your brakes won't work, or she'll say you raped her...

As terrible as that sounds, I am warning you. While I actually feel sorry for her b/c I know how hard she worked and how damaged and hurt she was by your actions IN the marriage-truly I hear you when you recount your marital history and there is real pain in her--

but I gotta stand by you b/c you're the DBer who is really trying AND she just went way too far with those allegations.

In my world, those are not words you merely apologize for or "take back."

"Them's fightin' words" and if you use them & YOU LOSE...YOU LOSE, period.

You Alamo, must realize she is free to renew her allegations unless she put in writing that it wasn't true, which I seriously doubt she did.

What "proof" is there that you are innocent? ANYTHING in writing?


She did something few people are bad/angry/scared enough to do and it was so very wrong. If anything is unforgivable, this is Pretty close to it.


You can speak to her privately BUT I'd want all conversations witnessed w/someone in sight of you two. You are on notice that she's armed and dangerous. And you my friend, are stuck holding onto a past that has been gone a long time.

Time apart MAY help you. More of this yo yo stuff won't.

Also to be clear, you need to BE CLEAR. I don't know what your boundaries are.

You mention possibilities, and goals in vague terms but I don't know what you want, other than a vague "happy ending".

What would that realistically look like? Are you willing to move to South Carolina? IF so, how? Does SHE know how? IF not, have you told her?

Could you maintain custody here, and then in a year consider a move there, and share visitation? NOT necessarily to reconcile but to have shared custody and build on that type of r?

I hope in time you'll Have a specific goal, please.

Be mindful if you move there, without a decree from your present state, she can take you to court there...and begin all over again with her increased income...

Maybe give it a year apart with you having him and then see if YOU WANT to move there to let son be with his mom more and to see how you two get along without her family there and with your progress continuing...

but be specific and clear. The boundaries you speak of are blurry to me.

Can you explain?

And I would NOT TRUST an attempted reconciliation now, after her outreach and withdrawal so close together and so recent. She's "sorry IF you got the impression" that she'd want a reconciliation...wow, makes you want to video all interactions with her (hey, not a bad idea... )

She has a long way to go to forgive and let go. Truly, maybe being away from her family AND having an upbeat r with you on the phone, and during her own visits with son, will help.

If you manage this well, I don't see how things won't improve. She'd see you raising your son, paying your own way with your new job, and being the man she fell in love with.

MAYBE, MAYBE then you can talk about moving there but with what she has launched against you

I would not even dream of it for at least a year...

Congrats on the court events. I'll keep praying for you and yours.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

when I joined the Army (b/c if you can't beat 'em, join 'em) I was forced to go to JAG Corps school for 15 weeks. Fortunately we lived 3 hours away so I came home on weekends.

But during the week, talking to our 15 month old son made me cry every time. I tried not to, but it actually got a little easier to just NOT speak til I saw him. I'd be thrilled to hold him again but then on Sunday night, I'd cry again driving back to JAG School.

She'll ache for him. It will hurt. I don't know how she'll handle it but don't be shocked if she launches a new attack---

or drops out of sight until her visitations...2 other moms in my class just tuned it out or they would not have made it through. I recall our move to Texas, "in order for me to get out of the Army in an inexpensive place" where we could afford for me to stay home. Then the Gulf War/Stop Loss happened and there was no quitting.

So let's not judge women with a different measure. What MAN would give up his medical career to be geographically closer to his kid? Some would...but those who would not, would not be called lousy fathers. They'd be called "Dedicated doctors".

When I studied for the bar (the 2nd time) I had h take son out for 10 hours at a time or I would not be able to pass it. It was summer so h took 4 weeks off.

The first time I took the bar exam I failed it b/c he was so young I could not bear to leave him at a sitters and I kidded myself that I was "Studying enough".
It was the wise mature thing to do, not bad mothering.

It'll be very hard for your w. If you really want a good r with her (never mind more than that)

be gracious but guarded. Let them speak on a regular basis if she can handle it and tell her what's going on and send pics, etc. help her feel connected b/c it's good for him too. (Assuming she doesn't attack you again and don't act as if I'm being over dramatic. She DID attack you...legally and publicly).

After her first year she may be able to transfer or other things may take a turn.

Time reveals a lot. She'll be busy but away from you and from her family and son.

If that doesn't change her, not much will.

[jon2911]

Great advice.

[scaredsilly]

i did not say she was a lousy mother for leaving her son. i just don't understand it...or maybe i do.

even a father should try to stay with his child and not be called a "dedicated doctor" if he puts his career before his child. parenthood should be put off if a career is more important. she should be able to find a residency near her child.

i'm looking at this through the eyes of a parent who put her child's needs second to her own and regrets it.

the effect on the child of losing one parent is horrific. justify as you may but the long-term effect on the child will be devastating.

[25yearsmlc]

i did not say she was a lousy mother for leaving her son. i just don't understand it...or maybe i do.

read your words again b/c I definitely got the impression you said she wasnt much of a mother if she went off to her residency. And she did PLAN on bringing her son, originally.

But when push came to shove, she left without him. IF i were in her shoes and thought this was more than a temporary crappy situation, I would not have made her choice either.

My sitch was only 16 weeks of Army training away, but was pretty traumatic for me. I just think her shots at Alamo are the bigger issue.


even a father should try to stay with his child and not be called a "dedicated doctor" if he puts his career before his child.

"even a father"??

...meaning, there is a double standard or what?

MEN (and often doctors), tell themselves they are "helping THEIR FAMILY" by working so hard. I hear that all the time. they can go days without seeing their own kids and helping someone else's kids...and want credit at work AND AT HOME for their WORK...after all,

Who is "Putting food on the table"? Who is "keeping a roof over our heads"? ETC

And even when what they are really doing is taking extra call or extra work or cases for the glory of it, they'll want credit at home for missing their kids' lives b/c gee whiz, they WORK SO HARD.

Also, the more a man earns, the "more successful" He is considered by most in our society.


parenthood should be put off if a career is more important. she should be able to find a residency near her child.

"She should be able to"? Well Like I said, tell Congress that. Not all specialties are offered in all states, and if it's the only one she wants

OR the only one that accepted her, she does not have much choice. Hence the questions I asked Alamo on that topic.

As for putting off parenthood for a career, I found out we were expecting while I was in my last year of law school. I already owed tens of thousands of dollars and we lived in a pricey area of the nation and my h was entering medical school.

Not all children are planned. Sometimes God invades your life with a wonderful surprise.

i'm looking at this through the eyes of a parent who put her child's needs second to her own and regrets it.


not to hijack but why do you regret it?


the effect on the child of losing one parent is horrific. justify as you may but the long-term effect on the child will be devastating.

Well I hope you are wrong about that since my h is in the reserves and his unit is deploying to the Middle East next month.

So rather than expect my child will be devastated "long term", I'm going to do my best to make sure she isn't. Their r will be supported as best I can w/skype and email and regular contact subject to his mission...and how I show MY feelings about his departure.

As you must know, most military families survive this. I've personally witnessed this and have several brothers who are also veterans. A parent CAN be gone and still have a r with his/her children. I cannot accept that your situation is everyone's. I KNOW it's not easy...I get that.

Hey Alamo-sorry if this is a hijack.

Finally, SS, what are you advising Alamo to do?

[scaredsilly]

25, with all due respect, i did not say she was a lousy mother. i read and re-read my words. i said i don't understand how she can leave her 3 1/2 year old son.

and i don't have to understand it. but i can comment on it, right?

"even a father"??

...meaning, there is a double standard or what?

yep, there is. i'm sure this is not news to you since you are in a field where only 12% are women. i wish it weren't so. it's not my doing.

not to hijack but why do you regret it?

i regret it because my child suffered and should not have.

i would think that military families, ones that skype, support each other, and see the parent who is being deployed off, are different than families who go through divorce and where the child "loses" one of his parents.

at least i would think so. i would think the trauma would be more bearable for the child. i could be wrong since i don't have that experience.

i'm not telling alamo to DO anything. my comment was mainly in defense of unbidden's position since she appeared to be taking an attack from someone. i understood her position.

lastly, 25, i feel as if you're attacking me here. i'm sorry i upset you but i may have differing opinions than you do (not normally since i consider you to have great common sense) occasionally and would like to be able to express them without worrying about how you will take it.

i, too, am sorry for the hijack, alamo.

[25yearsmlc]

SS,

sorry you feel attacked. And Alamo, I am sorry if this is getting too off track.

How are you?