Hi I am new to this but I am glad I found it. My husband had an affair in February. I found out about it because He was buying new clothes, watching his weight,and getting his hair cut by a woman when he would only go to a barber before. He also got a new phone and was acting very secretive with it. I found the password and found several deleted texts (he would never text before) which had a few sentences in each one so I could see what was going on.It was a woman at work and my husband had introduced me to her at a christmas party just before the affair started. He also had the gall to introduce her to 2 of my kids at her church where she is a big deal. My husband tried to deny it at first then said he never wanted me to find out. I found out during a time when I was caring for my mother 5 days a week, who died about 3 weeks after this. I was so hurt and he was surprised at my reaction because he said he didn't think I loved him anymore. Well, I told him I was always feeling hurt in the marriage. But I always cared about him.
He told me the reason he had the affair was because 3 times in our marriage I told him I would divorce him once the youngest turned 18. Well thats because for a very long time, I was last on his list of priorities. He said he felt numb since the last year or two when, according to him, I threatened divorce the last time. But he still wanted me even though I was not a very enthusiastic partner due to feeling mistreated and he hated that plus I hardly ever initiated intimacy and nagged about the same ole things.
At first when I found out he was relieved and was affectionate and he broke it off with the OW. He told some people I asked him to and he went to counselling and Retrouville. But as time as passed he is not going to counselling and is not affectionate at all. He says this is his problem and he has to work it out.
Last year his dad died and his dad suffered alot. Had similar problems as my mom. My husband says he feels numb about his dads death. That's about the time he started hanging out with the OW. Having coffee and lunch etc.
He is busy to the extreme. He works and then also teaches once a week, writes papers for a journal and had 2 published,wants to write a book, has a sailboat that he pours money into for maybe 10 times of sailing a year, goes to astronomy meetings and events,and has started going to the bar with a couple friends 1 or 2 times a week. He also wants to buy a very expensive telescope to replace his old one. He says he has to get all this done because he feels time is short and he has a feeling he doesn't have much time. I feel he is depressed but he denies it.
He does talk to me but for short periods of time and rarely asks about me. Sometimes when he is home after he is on the computer doing work he lays on the couch and watches tv. Doesn't communicate much. He is worried about my emotional state cuz I have gone off on him a few times re: the affair, the state of the marriage etc. I am depressed. Not too keen on our therapist because she never gives homework. Just told me to tell others so I had a support system.
Our 23rd anniversary is coming up and I wonder if I should even acknowlege it. My daughter brought it up to him and he didn't say much. He still sleeps in my bed, but as far away from me as possible. I have lost weight, tried to be a better housekeeper tried to GAl a little. Working out and making a few plans but I am not working since my mom died and I told my husband I was taking the summer off which bugs him. My son who is the youngest is 18 and has a girlfriend. He is smitten with her so I don't want them at my house with no supervision. Any advice for me? Sometimes I think he needs to leave because its hard for my whole family to watch this.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
GAL fills your time, with things YOU enjoy movies, friends, workshops. OR things that improve you...working out, school, workshops.
Dettaching is a much harding concept not only to define, but to accomplish.
To me, dettaching meant NOT getting drawn into the drama. NOT allowing myself to become a part of it, not letting it (her drama) affect me. Did that mean not talking to her? Well with 2 boys I had to talk with her at times.
Dettaching for me meant I controlled the talks to the best of my ability, I ended them on my terms, and I tried my best not to venture into asking questions I really didn't want the answers too.
We think we want those answers, because we really really really hope they are going to answer them the way we want them to. "I am coming home." "I DO love you, I have been a fool!"
and...they don't. they really really don't.
So I guess you want a quick lesson in dettaching?
Stop asking questions. : )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I have to say too, that my husband is a controlling person. He could also be verbally abusive and many times he got his way. Right now he is not paying certain bills and we are getting calls. He is worried about his job but that didn't keep him from taking half a day off to go work on the boat with his cousin.
His cousin owns the boat with him and I noticed that he is annoyed with him because he was supposed to figure out where they would dock it for the season. If that was me who was responsible he would be calling me irresponsible and putting me down left and right. With certain people in his life, however, he will not criticize for fear of harming that relationship. Maybe it's my fault for being fearful and not standing up for my self as much as I should. I have been disrespected for many years and told I had to earn his respect when I didn't really feel I did anything so bad (I got criticized for being late out the door and told I could never handle a real job and I was caring for my mom at the time)and I have had real jobs!
It is all so hard. I did the begging and pleading which didn't work and now I don't text much and he texts me occassionally but does not make attempts to talk when he walks in the door. I usually go and ask him how work was etc. We talk for a little while and thats it. I have 3 kids still at home D 21, D 20 and S 18. I believe my husband has checked out mentally and is looking for a way out without looking like the bad guy because of the affair. I feel stuck and confused but I am trying to GAL.
I have one child S 31 from first marriage which was only 4 years and the first marriage that huband had an affair also. This current husband had issues with my son because we raised him our house and he had ADD. Which also 2 of our children have. But he is out of the house now. My husband likes to bring up how hard that was and I told him to drop it because he's been out for 10 years now.
Welcome to a great place to be for a lousy reason. I'm going to take a different approach w/you b/c you are already getting great advice from some wonderful veterans who will guide you in understanding your h.
I want to nearly completely focus on YOU and what I see as some mistakes you don't seem to be owning. It may feel harsh but I mean it constructively. Besides, there's very little you can do about your h. But you DO control YOU.
**Remember whether he's in MLC or is a WAH, or a neglected man who has had enough neglect, YOUR course of action is the same. Don't waste too much time on what is going on in HIS head or heart. That was my biggest mistake.
Instead of spending energy asking WHY WHY WHY, I could have spent that on ME and making my life and my kid's lives better, faster.
Learn from my mistake.
Originally Posted By: Rachael55
Hi I am new to this but I am glad I found it. My husband had an affair in February. I found out about it because He was buying new clothes, watching his weight,and getting his hair cut by a woman when he would only go to a barber before. He also got a new phone and was acting very secretive with it. I found the password and found several deleted texts (he would never text before) which had a few sentences in each one so I could see what was going on.It was a woman at work and my husband had introduced me to her at a christmas party just before the affair started. He also had the gall to introduce her to 2 of my kids at her church where she is a big deal. My husband tried to deny it at first then said he never wanted me to find out. I found out during a time when I was caring for my mother 5 days a week, who died about 3 weeks after this. I was so hurt and he was surprised at my reaction because he said he didn't think I loved him anymore. Well, I told him I was always feeling hurt in the marriage. But I always cared about him.
Did you apologize for not making him feel loved? Did you ever try to make things better or did you wallow in your pain and wait for HIM to change and love you more FIRST, before you'd give more to him? It sounds like a lot of score keeping went on with you and that never helps a marriage. I ought to know, I had one for decades...
As much as I feel for you in the caring for your dying mother (I did that for my father, and later for my MIL and she was not an easy or loving person to me so I know it's hard), but did you also notice that it meant that much Less time for your h? Ever wonder how HE felt when you were absent or exhausted or uninterested in him, or understandably sad about your mom or bitter about the past things he did to you or you believed he had? How did you treat HIM then? I know your first reaction to that question might be "But what about ME and MY pain??"
But I'm not here to tell you why you can feel like crap. I am trying to show you how your h MIGHT feel and what your role in this might be.
If you can see any of that, then you can change and greatly lessen the chance of this happening again. See your role in this and learn to see that your flaws and the ability to change them, is empowering!
If you were a perfect wife and this all still happened, then there'd be nothing you could do. You could feel RIGHT, but powerless....is that what you'd prefer?
Sometimes we have to choose to be "right" or to be happy.
He told me the reason he had the affair was because 3 times in our marriage I told him I would divorce him once the youngest turned 18. Wow, that must have been very painful for HIm to hear. What was your goal in telling him this or threatening it?
Well thats because for a very long time, I was last on his list of priorities. so you thought with holding love and affection and threatening divorce, would make him put you higher on his list? How did that work? Did that approach help or hurt?
We both know it hurt the marriage. I used to say things like that although I never threatened actual divorce.
But I thought h did not "deserve" more warmth and kindness from me b/c he was a workaholic who neglected me and our children...or so I believed
Thing is, even if my memory is accurate, so what?
My approach failed!
Having my arms crossed when he walked in the door to our home, figuratively and literally, did NOT help.
Yet I continued on in my self righteous anger and bitterness.
INSTEAD, what if I'd given him a warm welcome w/open arms and affection?
What if I'd given him something good to miss? Why didn't I see that sooner?
Mostly b/c of pride...and b/c I didn't see forgiveness growing up so I didn't know how to do it.
it's a learned skill...and it's mandatory for ANY long term marriage to survive.
He said he felt numb since the last year or two when, according to him, I threatened divorce the last time. But he still wanted me even though I was not a very enthusiastic partner due to feeling mistreated and he hated that plus I hardly ever initiated intimacy and nagged about the same ole things.
WOW....Sounds as if he loved you a great deal to me. And he forgave a lot.
Maybe you two don't speak in the same love language but this ^^^ is a BIG deal.
Have you read the Five Love Languages"? It's a great book for all married couples. Sounds simple but we all miss things at times...important things.
At first when I found out he was relieved and was affectionate and he broke it off with the OW. did you welcome him back with open arms?
or hold it over his head like the sword of Damacles or act like a victim all over again? Did you bring it up whenever YOU felt like it or had a fight.
See if YOU cannot get past it, there's not a lot of value in all this apparent marital effort...
He told some people I asked him to and he went to counselling and Retrouville. I assume you both went to counselling and Retrovaille, right? Why did you want him to tell others? Usually involving 3rd parties hurts things more. It's sometimes an attempt to shame the wayward spouse...and shaming them backfires every time.
Did you ever own your role in the affair? Can you see how he might feel that you pushed him into the arms of OW?
I am NOT defending the affair, but am trying to show you what YOU CAN Do or avoid in the future...
seeing yourself as the only victim in this tragedy does NOT help your cause.
But as time as passed he is not going to counselling and is not affectionate at all. He says this is his problem and he has to work it out. are you more affectionate with him? Do you initiate intimacy any more often than before? Are you still in c?
Last year his dad died and his dad suffered alot. Had similar problems as my mom. My husband says he feels numb about his dads death. That's about the time he started hanging out with the OW. Having coffee and lunch etc.
He is busy to the extreme. He works and then also teaches once a week, writes papers for a journal and had 2 published,wants to write a book, has a sailboat that he pours money into for maybe 10 times of sailing a year, goes to astronomy meetings and events,and has started going to the bar with a couple friends 1 or 2 times a week. He sounds very ambitious and hardworking.
Do you join or support him in ANY of these activities? If not, why not? Do you invite him to your hobbies or outside interests? Do you share any? Do you feel any pride in his achievements? Do you express that to him?
He also wants to buy a very expensive telescope to replace his old one. He says he has to get all this done because he feels time is short and he has a feeling he doesn't have much time. I feel he is depressed but he denies it.
sounds as if the bell of mortality has been tolled and he heard it. Is this "wrong" to you? After my father died, I took a trip to Italy in part b/c HE loved it there and b/c I didn't want to wait for most of my life to pass by before I allowed myself more joy. I'm so glad I went.
As for whether your h is depressed, as hard as this may sound, it's not your problem.
It may effect you -indirectly b/c only YOU control how YOU feel, and you have no control over how HE feels about life or if he is depressed.
He does talk to me but for short periods of time and rarely asks about me. based on past experience, what do you think HE'D expect you to tell him if he were to ask you how things are going for you? Seriously, dig deep.If he does ask you something make sure your answer is positive and upbeat..
Sometimes when he is home after he is on the computer doing work he lays on the couch and watches tv. Doesn't communicate much.
He is worried about my emotional state cuz I have gone off on him a few times re: the affair, the state of the marriage etc. I am depressed. ah, well that is something YOU can and must do something about. Have you talked to someone? thought about taking some anti-depressants? Is it possible you have been depressed for some time?
Your mom's death, your attitude towards the marriage and now the affair are all strong reasons for not feeling great about your life right now...why not get some help? No shame in it. Been there, done that.
Also do NOT show him your anger. I know you think he deserves it. I may not agree but the thing is
your anger is NOT your friend. It will consume YOU and affect your r's with your children. Anger is your enemy for now.
IT does not Help your marriage and it has eroded your marital relationship for a long time already. Can you see that your anger is not helping YOU? And holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like
lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes...
Not too keen on our therapist because she never gives homework. Just told me to tell others so I had a support system. Thought your h stopped the c....anyhow, so Get a new solution based therapist.
OTherwise all most of them do is re hash the past and one or both of you get to feel attacked and or get to relive the traumas...NOT helpful.
You want a solution based approach (which divorce busting IS) and if you are not helpled signficantly in half a dozen sessions, move on.
The concept is simple but radically different than most. Do what helps the relationship improve and do NOT do what hurts it.
that's Divorce Busting 101...
Worry LATER about what happened in your childhood or the abusive past and the traumatic things you saw and the blah blah blah things that already happened long ago.
I'm NOT minimzing them. I simply don't believe it helps marriages in crisis much to rehash the past when you need help in living better, together, NOW.
Our 23rd anniversary is coming up and I wonder if I should even acknowlege it. My daughter brought it up to him and he didn't say much. You have beautiful children of this marriage? Isn't that worth remembering? Why not Thank him for the kids you brought into the world...
sounds as if you were, again, waiting to see what HE would do FIRST before you would give anything...
lose the scorecard.
He still sleeps in my bed, but as far away from me as possible. I have lost weight, tried to be a better housekeeper tried to GAl a little. were those things that mattered To HIM? Or was it the lack of affection and sex and threats of divorce and complaining that he wasn't enough for you to stick around for...and zero pride in any of his acheievements.
I recognize the pattern. My h has 2 medical degrees and I resented his accomplishements as if they had deducted from MY life...so not helpful and truly I am ashamed to admit this, but it was selfish of me to resent his accomplishments as if it was all about ME and MY wants. and it sure did not make him feel loved...did not help our marriage to improve and the thing is, down deep I just wanted his love and attention but I did the opposite of what I needed to do to get it!
many men feel earning a good wage or achieving at work IS being a good h b.c it;s being a good provider. Again I suggest reading the Five Love Languages (After you read Div Remedy or the Div Busting book).
Working out and making a few plans but I am not working since my mom died and I told my husband I was taking the summer off which bugs him. Is money an issue? What other GAL things can you do? I HIGHLY recommend joining things or taking classes that involve meeting others who do not know your sitch. Your t told you differently and you can do both.
But you need to be in environments where you don't obsess or feel so depressed. Do something you always wanted to do. learn a new language, join a writer's group, learn to knit or do a craft if you like.
Be LESS predictable and more intriguing, mysterious to your h.
IF he believes marriage to you can be better/different than before
things may turn around.
My son who is the youngest is 18 and has a girlfriend. He is smitten with her so I don't want them at my house with no supervision. Any advice for me? Not sure this would be my highest priority now. Talk to your h and therapist about it. The more sad you seem the more your son may turn to his gf for any joy in life.
BE upbeat around your son so he doesn't have to feel down when he's with you guys and not as motivated to escape the misery of homelife. Make sense?
Sometimes I think he needs to leave because its hard for my whole family to watch this.
watch what? You being miserable? Him too?
Is this really all HIS fault?
You said you have been miserable for a long time in this marriage, which you told your h, and you threatened repeatedly to leave him when your son turned 18.
So he turned 18. Your h evidently expected you to leave him as per your threats. He had an affair.
You found out and yet HE wanted to work on things and did for at least awhile. You say you "go off" on him about the affair, even though you went to Retrovaille and a counselor.
Maybe HE believes you will never get past this or let go of it.
IF SO, can you see why he might want out?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
