Lost

[25yearsmlc]

you never truly answered my question about why the separate bedrooms. You said she was gone a month and when you "woke up" she was in the guest room. What does that mean?

I'm concerned that totally going dark will NOT help your sitch, even though we usually stand by it.

Below are some reasons/comments as to why...

hanks, the issue is she never calls and I don't want to pursue by calling/texting so it almost like a stalemate.


yes it is. And judging by the comment that you "woke up and she was in the guest room" and NO discussion occurred

means you've been sort of dark awhile...at least verbally. Well, and physically and emotionally too I suppose.

Do you also have a temper or was you behavior during the confrontation unusual for you? Let me rephrase.

Would YOUR WIFE SAY you have a temper or are impulsive?

Do you agree?

Then the issue is if going dark will make he seek me out, but the issue is that that is one of the things she said was a problem with us(being distant).

she probably feels she HAS sought you out in the past...and the door was shut or the walls were up. Your sitch is a bit different than most.


I have starting doing more with my D, the only "good" thing that has come out of all this is all the time I spend with her, it's like we are are own little team.

^^^this is HUGE and is a good route for you to contact your w without looking like pursuing b/c you are being a coparent, AND showing her that you are not so angry that she cannot return. You are

Keeping the road home is paved and smooth...(IOW, don't make it harder for her to come back than it already would be and NO that does not mean she won't have to regain your trust.

But you are FAR from being in a position of telling her your demands for her return...so for now, just work on keeping that road home, paved and smooth.)

Don't show her your anger b/c no matter how justified or RIGHT you feel, it's not going to help you.

so send pics of what daughter does or how she is, with BRIEF notes and NO expectation of return contact. At least not for awhile....

and NO guilting your wife for not being with her d. She KNOWS she's not there. I feel like we've had this conversation before but on another thread...(true??)



My goals for IC are:

1.Why do I have issues connecting with people?

This ^^ is a huge question and, my comment is, it's NOT just your wife.
It's you. See this insight as empowering, not depressing.

It means YOU CAN do something about what is happening.

So what is it you want to work on? I hope you dig deep with your IC on this. It's crucial for anyone to feel close to another and feel intimate, that disclosure happens...

which is also why I think you can share your problems with your mom WITHOUT talking about the OM...yes, you can do that. you can say you are sep and having some major problems and YOU are hurting and trying to be the best dad you can be, etc...

don't cut your mom out of it but if you truly think her reaction to your w's affair won't help you (and most of the time, it will NOT make it easier on your wife to come home if she knows your mom knows...so think it out)

then just tell her you guys are working on some 'tough things" and you'd feel wrong to be more specific.


2. Work on my low self esteem.


see above comments...

3. Work on my co-depent problems.

see above....and don't discount the power of motherhood.

Your w will miss your d and the memories you are creating with d, can only help your d, you and the R you build with w, whether as co parents or a reconciled couple.

Keep it up.


The rest sounds like a plan!

25, thanks for your reply.

The reason I did not have a discussion when I saw her that morning, I was in total shock. Up to that moment she never called,txt,email or came home sso to see her there was just shocking.

Would YOUR WIFE SAY you have a temper or are impulsive?

I don't think she would say I'm impulsive but would say I have a temper. Nothing abusive of course, but little thing get me angry an I would have to agree she would be right. This is an issue I know have and need to work on.

Now some updates.

So the plan for father's day was to "let" my D take me to the movies. I sat and turned thinking if I should invite the W. On one hand I had "must stay dark, must let her see what life would be like if we did get a D. Then on the other hand "Do I really want her to miss out on a family outing, she is in an A, but can I really say I HATE the woman I've been with for 10yrs and the mother of my child? I can say I'm angry,hurt and disappointed in the choice she made, but I don't HATE her. So after a couple of hours of thinking about it, I sent her this email.

I'm taking D to see Madagascar tmw, just checking to see if you would like to join us?

Her reply:
Yes - will be there. What time?

When she got here, she walked in gave me a hug and said Happy Father's day, I said thank you.

Driving to the movies, D starts telling W about all the things we did in the park the day before and also tells her about how we now have a movie night every Saturday night (netflix) and all the popcorn we eat! I say quiet the whole time, but in the corner of m eye I watch W andI can see she is getting a little sad.

After the movies we go to lunch have small talk, nothing major and NO R talk. Since the whether is nice D starts asking if we could go to the pool. Now here I have a problem, I would love to take D to the pool, but I have the same issue I had the night before, do I ask W if she wants to go?

I think I really should end the day and just go our separate ways, but looking at the smile on D's face I can't bring myself to do it. So I said sure we can go, looking at W, I ask do you want to go? She says yes.

So we go hoe change into our swimsuits and head to the pool. D is having a great time and so are we. After awhile with D in the pool and us sitting on the chairs, W watching D, says "You are a great father", I tell her thanks and that the time I've spent with her these last two months have been great.

Once we leave and get home I grill some hotdogs and ask W if she wants some, she says no that she has to leave, gives D a hug and says she had a wonderful day with us (yes us, not just D). She then turns to me and hands me a father's day card.In the card she wrote, "There is a girl who has a wonderful dad, who loves her, praises her and takes care of her. She ends it with, you are a wonderful father and I love you.

I tell her thank you and that the card really means a lot to me. She gives me a long hug and says bye.

So today was a good day, don't want to read to much into it, seeing how things could be completely different tmw, but it was still nice.

this ^^ was a very positive day for you! How would it have been different if you had tried to punish her with your anger and refused to invite her?

Learn from this and grow from it. Each positive bonding experience is like a small deposit in the bank. It grows a lot, OVER TIME...not fast or all at once.

Build on it without expectations...and let your wife FIRST learn to feel relaxed around you, which this day indicated. She can feel safe enough to be around you so she won't avoid it and that's a lot better than "teaching her a lesson."

As you learn to be around each other, perhaps, friendship will resume, a desire for a family unit will resume, and a better R will happen regardless...

It is NOT pursuit if you let it happen naturally & you don't initiate --although Father's Day was an appropriate day for this interaction.

You are luckier than most of the men here.

Congrats...well done

[MrD]

dscl,
You have a great start going. Keep it up. Your situation in inspiring for me, please keep it up and keep us up to date.

[dscl]

Well I've come to realize that I will never understand the mind of a WAS!

Yesterday while at the pool in passing I mention to W that I had a Dr. appt. for my stomach issues( I've had these issues for years and W was there for me the whole time I was recuperating after my operation). She said, I'm glad you are going to see a dr. to look over that ( Back story, As most men, I hate going to the dr. The only time I would go was when W would "force" me to go, so I guess a minor 180 that I'm doing it on my own)

So go to the dr. get checked out, and all is good!

Get home and I start to think, she did not even call to see how it went? I let it bother me for a couple of hours thinking how she made it a point to put it on the calendar when OM had a dr. appt, but for me not even a call. After awhile I start thinking , right now I'm not even a worth a second of thought to her. Yep that's true and guess what..... Why should I care what she is thinking?!?! I got good news from the doc and THAT is what is important!

Then just a few minutes ago, she sends me a txt, she starts with asking a question about our D, but then we start joking and talking about funny stuff from our past. We keep doing this for about 15mins, this is the most we ever txt each other since this all began, let along the fact that she reached out to me, can't remember the last time she started a txt conversation.

Strange I tell you.... Oh well another day.... Looking forward to my first IC session tmw.

[MrD]

dscl,
I'm glad to hear it went well at the doctor. I too won't step foot into a hospital or Dr office unless I was dragged in by my WAS. Then oddly for me too today when W found out I went in by myself she started some topic to try and push on of my buttons.
It feels good when you don't let it happen afterwards Huh.

[dscl]

Ok, Guess this thread is getting a little long so I'm starting new one.

[dscl]

New thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2255521#Post2255521