Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

My last thread: The beginning: What is going on here.... and what do I do?

Backsliding...
I admitted yesterday I checked H's art blog. Has anyone had to deal with someone who is undiagnosed depressed/bipolar who doesn't do anything about it?

As I have really been trying to not contact him, do I reach out one more time and tell him to contact a counselor?

I'm catching myself trying to slide into old habits here. I want to 'help' him, but contrast that with I'm trying to stop 'feeling' his feelings. (Codependent No More) so I can't help him.

I did mention a counselor before. I'll just leave it at that, and work on my silence over the next 5 days (S-5) comes back from his vacation from gpa's and gma's, so H and I will have to interact - although H has not talked to me about ANYTHING (he's doing a better job going dark on me then I have on him) about the logistics of S now that H has a new apartment that he won't tell me where it is.

I guess I'm looking for approval in my non communication, because I've never taken this approach before when this pops up. If I don't want the same relationship, then I can't do the same steps... ok.


Must figure out how to block his blog.
Made my to-do list of stuff for the house - it's going to be a busy 3 weeks of prepping. I hope I can PLEASE please at least just sell and not owe anything.
I want to be able to move out of this rainy/depressing place to the SW. (with or without H). Another day of overcast, rain and cold. I think I'm a strong person and *THIS* is even depressing me! I said in the winter that I can't do another winter here, and I definitely can't do another winter + my husband's winter (moodiness, withdrawn behavior) here. Rain and overcast for 7 months straight... urgh.

[LIO]

addendum:
I guess what is really bothering me is the IC I went to said "Oh I understand now why you say '6 months', you are letting him out there so he can fail."

(6 months from then was usually when he started to hit his moodiness/depression/withdrawn stage) and he is *usually* happier in the summer (the sun helps). So while he moved out a week ago, I figured he would be happy in the summer, then have to experience the regular winter dreariness.

I'm wondering if that is really my motive - to let him fail. I've done everything I could do before to keep him from hitting the bottom before. I would love to see him turn this situation around and thrive, but I can only go off of previous history to predict anything. But I also want him to see how easy he had it. But then is that punishing him or letting him have consequences?...

Gah.

I'm thinking too much about it. I don't quite understand my motive here. I want him to come back, and to figure out what makes him happy. I can't make his happiness switch turn on. But then I feel like I'm caging him too.

I think it was for the best he moved out.
He can experience what it is he needs to. I started to see 'myself' again.

Tailspin, tailspin! Mayday!

[timbits]

I totally understand how you feel here. My H has severe anxiety and depression. My IC mentioned how she thinks he exhibits some signs of Borderline Personality Disorder. It's incredibly difficult to live with someone with mental illness. It's also even harder to love them so much and see them suffer from it. I also get how you feel like you are starting to see yourself again. It's incredibly exhausting to deal with and I find myself being sucked into it. I don't know who I am anymore. Not that is totally because of the M, but I was taking on so much of his pain and issues that it was edging me out.

I have let a lot of that go. He is responsible for his illness and how he decides to treat it. I can support him, but I can't be responsible for it. His feelings, actions, reactions and pain aren't my fault or responsibility. That was a huge weight off my shoulders when I realized that.

Hugs. You can't make him happy. He has to do that for himself.

[LIO]

I have let a lot of that go. He is responsible for his illness and how he decides to treat it. I can support him, but I can't be responsible for it. His feelings, actions, reactions and pain aren't my fault or responsibility. That was a huge weight off my shoulders when I realized that.

Hugs. You can't make him happy. He has to do that for himself.

Yes, thank you for this! I read all my old emails to/from him over the last 3 years. I can see exactly with OW showed up, his cake-eating, his switching over to wanting to be in the marriage, his wavering, his switching, and then now. So frustrating because it's inconsistent. The only consistent thing was that he has been doing this for 3 years. Maybe he was planning it, then gave up. Maybe it's a long process. Who knows. But here I still am, regardless of that answer.

I've been thinking of the 180s again... what could I have done differently. What was his complaints. He said I was nice, I was a good mom. I was supportive. I also got stressed (handling everything will do that to a person), I started feeling stressed about work Sundays and got moody myself after H didn't want to do anything together, and I couldn't keep up with the demand of his wanting me to start a business, handle the house (by myself), work full time at a job that I only do because it paid a lot (and he became resentful of it), and raise a child (with no daycare). How could I succeed at that?

I also saw that I was so nice to him in his emails, complimenting him, appreciating him, and during the OW 'fascination' (coinciding with his 'winter') he would only answer in one or two words. Other times, longer. I also see that I asked several times in the last 3 years if we could adjust our schedules because what we were doing didn't feel right to me (I felt isolated and that I couldn't see him often).

I don't want to be in that marriage again where I brought up my concerns and it was swept under the rug. I guess he did have the 'balls' to end it, like he said. But at the same time, I wish I would have been 'heard'. I never threw down the ultimatums.



Does anyone find that WAS avoid you? I was trying to guess that maybe out of embarrassment of their actions, but then I realized it's trying to read into it, and I don't really know why... so why make up a reason.

So the day is complete. No emails, no texts, no phone calls... in either direction. I'm leaving it up to him to initiate as I hear divorce = space. And me calling, emailing =! space...
3 days ago he threatened me with getting served at the end of this week. Well... here we are and I haven't heard a peep about it. I'm leaving for the SW on Friday (which H doesn't know about).

I have quite the ambitious schedule to get the house up for sale. The realtor is coming next week for a first walk through. Fingers crossed that I'll be ready AND that the house can sell at a price I can get some $$$ out of to begin the next phase of my goal which may not happen until legal aspects are worked out.

(I was told today that I'm just creating ambitious (but doable in my opinion) plans to distract myself from reality, and that in the end, it will hit me like a brick. People shouldn't get divorced (if it's heading that way), move, change jobs all in the same year.
I was thinking more like 'Finally, I have the world at my fingertips, and I can do what I want. I own it now.' (and I *LIKE* moving.)

Any good R book suggestions for me anyone?

[LIO]

In the middle of painting the walls, I had a realization. I remembered a interaction that H and I had. I was on the phone and was laughing very loudly at whatever a friend said. H said "You don't laugh like that with me" kind of hurt. This was years ago...

I know that he has gotten jealous over a male coworker of mine, once I saw that, I stopped talking to the coworker (my husband was always more important to me) but I don't think H really noticed I did that.

So now that we aren't really talking at the moment. And I feel hurt about the cheating... And if divorce really does mean that they need space. Do I talk to him on the phone or wait for our encounters in person?

I am going to work on being smiley happy when I see him.

[timbits]

Completely understand having to handle everything. My H didn't work for years (now has a temporary job, but that ends soon) and it was incredibly stressful to be the only earner in the house. He didn't help around the house much, either. He just stayed home, depressed and pissed off. It's really hard.

I also understand not wanting to be in the marriage you had before, but not wanting a divorce. I honestly think that it comes down to if your H can provide you with the marriage you deserve? Can he do this while untreated for mental illness?

I wouldn't call him or seek him out at all. I'd wait for him to initiate contact with you and then be as pleasant as you can be, like you plan on.

I think it's a lot to do for one year, divorce, moving and new job, but if you're miserable with where you are living now, and are moving to something that makes you happy, I'd say go for it. You're not running away from your problems, you're running toward something better.

[LIO]

Thank you so much for popping in in here Timbits! For a while my H would bounce between jobs, always quitting because of some 'external' reason... his boss was a jerk, he didn't want to do 'xyz', or something.


Well... I talked to H this morning, mainly about his drawings on his blog. I don't think I handled that okay.
I usually am complimentary on his stuff - but I felt like the more recent ones didn't require a lot of work from him (missing heart), so I mentioned that.

There were a few that I told him I didn't want to see because the 'message' was directed towards the former OW, he 1) denied it and 2) said 'oh who cares about (OW) that'

#2 bothered me. OW is former OW now. They don't talk (I guess...)
and I care about it. I am bothered by how their relationship started, how it developed. And it ended because of me intervening (don't do that!). Why so flippant!? Why doesn't he see that it is hurtful?

Yeah, he isn't interested in building a relationship with me (I didn't ask that, but if he were, he would try). He is too busy trying to get his startup projects going. His empathy chip missing.

Well, we didn't talk about my plans for my future. Those are just going to be done... not talked about.

[kat727]

When a spouse ends things with an affair partner they go through the depression as if it was a honest healthy relationship. He hasn't snapped out of his mourning. I have read it usually takes 3-6 months. He isn't going to be noticing you much during this time. Thus keep working on you and improving things for you not because those changes might make him happy.

I am also glad you are getting mored posters. Always feels good to be heard.

kat

[heartbrokeinsd]

lio-

how did you intervene with OW?

[LIO]

Kat: always wonderful words of wisdom you give me, I really do want to thank you for being there and helping me look at it with different eyes. Maybe he is mourning it in his own way (avoidance tends to be his m.o. and he will hyperfocus on the next project). Ill keep on keeping on. Its the first time I've ever been excited about my own life in a very long time. (Sad I know... too codependent and I'm working on that!)

Hb in SD: in my other thread I found out about ow exactly 1 month ago, always had suspicions that she was the reason h would be distant at times. I had her phone # and when I found his truck at her apt instead of @ his friends house, all of my suspicions were validated. I blew up both of there phones all night until she called back. For 8 minutes I asked her what kind of woman she wanted to be one who sleeps w married men, what kind of real relationship would she have w a cheater, could she ever trust him if he was out, and that if she pursued r with my h, I would never go away. We have a s and did she Really want to deal with me the rest of her life. I also called her out on her mo of being involved w other married men because she was too afraid of a. Real relationship. Also wasnt it odd that they slept together one time but he didn't pursue it mor but was using her to sleep on the couch (allegedly).

Please don't do this. When they say don't confront here... listen.
Yes she cut it off, but that's because she is a coward and couldn't come head to head w me, and I would not back down. Some op may not do that. And the big one: your spouse will be incredibly resentful. You killed their fantasy instead of it dying when your spouse realized the op's faults.
I feel like even though it was he who cheated, it set me back in h's trust of me.
And it is leading me to here, where h is cuttoff from everthing except his passion of the moment.

So here I am, not sure how to connect w h without pursuing. but I'm trying to focus on my goals now, and maybe not contacting him is still best.