I'm back, on my own.

[BRNR]

Canadian Mrs. - I have had this exact same thing happen in my sitch. The difference for me is it was 4-5 post BD.

I am not sure if I have handled it. As Portia mentioned you can't stop him.

But, for me as part of the acceptance of the sitch being what it is, I didn't say anything to him. I said to my children that I was sorry that it has happened, asked them how they felt, and "clarified" any stories (AKA lies) my H told them about her.

I think it has allowed them to voice their concerns, opened up the communication between them and me, and really has shown them who their father is.

My S14 feels his father is moving way to fast, being very pushy, and S14 doesn't want to get involved with OW, H's new life, etc. All things I have told my S14 he should address with his father if he felt that uncomfortable.

My S10 told me that she is nice, but tries too hard just like his Dad does. He really doesn't care, but has changed his feelings about how the "quality time" he spends with Dad feels. Also, S10, at one point very early on, wanted to live with my H, and now, doesn't. All because "she" will be there.

I think this is another burning of bridges between my children and H. Another one he will fix (hopefully!) one day with his children. But it is their relationship, not mine and H's.

So, FWIW, IMO, be angry, I was. But be there for your kids and let the chips fall where they may with his relationship with them, that may or may not include OW. From what I have heard in good "blended" family situations, step kids/step parents is a hard situation. Maybe it will be a wake up call that trying to have your cake and eat it too at least won't be easy.

Take care!

[canadianMrs.]

Thank you both! My D12 sounds like your S, she knows there was an A, as much as I wanted to protect her from that. She is very smart & observant. This meeting has set back the progress H was making with her, although I doubt he will notice. D and I have talked about her feelings a lot lately. She asked me if that was OW and I told her yes. I did feel bad about that & met with my counsellor who said it was right to answer her truthfully, just don't dwell on it.
For the 1st part of our separation D didn't want to go with H, she tells me now it was because she was so mad at H. She too wants to talk to H but doesn't feel comfortable. So sad since they are open books with me. My sons didn't mention much but to say they don't want H to have a gf. H thinks his relationship with our kids is equal to the one I have with them. He doesn't see that it's fragile. My counsellor has said that its not a safe relationship for them, in that they act like guests with him. S9 even said the other day that in our family we have a sister, 2 brothers, 1 1/2 mom & 1/2 dad. From the mouth of babes...
Do you ever mention your children's feelings with H? Or just leave it. It's so hard to see them hurt and he is non the wiser.
I do have plans for our long weekend! None with H, first time in over 20+ years!!

[canadianMrs.]

One more question. My counsellor, while he understands from our history why I would want to keep away from H, he thinks I should try to continue this so called friendship. He thinks I'm one of two "stable" people in H's life. (The other his best friend who has a lot going on). I think it's a lot to ask. Sometimes I wonder if it is MLC or H is just to immature to understand what it takes to maintain a marriage.

[Raine]

C, no I don't and wouldn't tell H that he has a negative effect on the kids. Either he sees it and knows, and you telling him with make him feel negative toward you for passing judgement. Or, he is in a thick fog of delusion and won't believe you anyway. My H thought the kids were doing amazingly. When our oldest started counseling and was acting up at school, H made some positive improvements towards them. He would have had negative feelings and disbelief towards me if I told him he was affecting them.

As far as being his friend: he needs to know that friends don't treat friends the way he does. You can be there for him when he reaches out, but don't pursue him, try to fix him, etc.

Whether it is mlc or immaturity, the course is the same. He needs to grow up.

[BRNR]

I agree with Raine,

He needs to see, feel, and hear the affects all on his own. And the relationship is either good or not.

Anything you do or say will be seen as meddling or trying to "control" the situation and/or him.

[canadianMrs.]

Thats why I hesitate. I really don't even really want to go backwards, or have the desire to actually have the talk with him. I wondered if I should for the kids, but really didn't want to. In the past I probably would have, and in the past he's always looked for my advice to help him make decisions. Now its like, hello, you are almost 40! The decisions he makes on his own (or with OW) are pretty alarming, but they aren't mine.
I don't pursue him either, with the friendship. I stopped that a long time ago. He always seaks me out, and likes to pretend all is well, even when it is not. Funny, he was just away on a trip with his bf. I got more texts in those days then I had in months (and I do hear from him daily). I think he wanted bf to think everything was good between us. In reality I only responded to a few, the ones about the kids.
Thank you for pointing out whether it is MLC or immaturity, he has to grow up. How true, and I needed to hear that.

Now I need to move forward,once again, with a new sense of boundaries with H. I feel like every few months we are back here and I need to detach/distance myself even more, mostly for my/kids preservation. I've always struggled with boundaries surronding the kids and him, because I want him to have as much access to them as possible (I do have sole custody). However, sometimes at my own expense, literally and emotionally. I have to remember "no" once in awhile is completely different than "no" all the time.

[Thumpered]

Your still figuring it out as you go, welcome to the club. I cant tell you how many times I've said what your saying, and that's ok, your realize it at least, now to confirm those boundries and work on them, its just another step in your journey.

Hang tough, your gonna be ok, that Im SURE of!!!

[canadianMrs.]

My mind is all over the place lately. I'm not sure if its a new idea brought on by a few friends who have been asking when H & I are getting back together, or if its been something I was afraid to admit, but the last couple days I've been questioning some of my decisions with H. I also have wondered if I do want more than a friendship. Not now, but down the road.
I've seen some good things in the last couple weeks and some bad. He went out of the country and he called as he was boarding to say good-bye and he'd see me when he got back. I thought he meant the kids but he included me. He called as soon as he got home too. He has also bought the kids useful things when he has had them (clothing etc) without telling me I owe him 1/2. I heard from the kids he has stood up to his parents twice lately. Once for me. This is huge!! (His dad has a bully mentality)
He also ended it with original/reoccurring OW. He also talked to me in person and said again how amazing I have been to him in all of this, how he does value our friendship and he sees how his choices cause it to go backwards etc. He has said it in text & phone but I made the comment he is a different person via phone. He obviously "heard" me. I just listen.
However he is already onto next girl friend. I don't know how he finds them so quickly! I think this is #7. This one has 4 kids and has just began ugly divorce proceedings. Why would he want that over his own children? Why the back to back women?
Again, a couple steps forward and then a few back..I don't know what I should do with my questioning. Maybe next week I will be more settled in my choices. I do wonder if I can think of working things out in the future because I removed myself and my children from the ugliness/cruelty that was in our home when MLC came to light. Don't get me wrong, it's still been a roller coaster but the blame/anger towards me stopped. Somedays I wonder if I should have stuck it out in the same house but I wonder if I would have been more scarred. I've healed a lot and worked on myself. Yet I obviously still get pulled in emotionally when I see positive changes & hear my old H when we talk.
I do read a lot of posts here and am amazed at the strength of the people here. So many similarities but unique at the same time.