I second Wendy's advice. Always, think of the viewpoint of the children. They will appreciate having you there, I'm sure, especially the younger ones.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I agree, go and have fun. I'm sure everyone is looking forward to seeing you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for the advice. I did go and there were some hard parts (them talking about upcoming family trips) but I don't regret it. H was acting like my best friend, he does this off and on, no predictor when its going to happen. I just enjoy that person in the moment but remind myself not to get upset when he goes away again. I had said I was cycling through some anger/sadness again. I realized I had been withdrawing from friends and family in the last month. Friday night I told myself to put my positive outlook on and guess what, it was a great weekend. Friends seemed to come out of the woodwork. It really showed me you get back what you put out. I also bought the book on Abandonment someone here recommended. I just started it and it already mentions the cycles I had been talkjng about. Its hard, but I have to keep moving forward...thanks for showing me the right path once again
Me-36 H-37 D11 S8 S6 M9 T19 ILYNILWY 11/10 discover EA 02/11 discover EA is really PA/H moved out 03/11 H wants to go to counselling,piecing 12/11 Find out still OW(plural), I'm officially done/detached 04/12
I am happy that you went. Sometimes we have to push ourselves to take that first step in order to overcome the anxiety of not knowing what may or may not happen.
Friends have been waiting for you to take that first step and I see that they were there for you and happy to be w/you. Yes, you really do get back what you put out there.
Congratulations! You've taken the first step...now what's next?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm trying to get back to the GAL me. I think I was doing so well at that, but maybe I had been ignoring the emotions & they caught up with me? Its been 6 months since I finally had enough of the yo-yo treatment from H and really tried to detach. I still struggle with how to detach, stand up for myself and yet have some type of relationship, if its only one where we co-parent; basically how much interaction.This is my newest dilemma; H just sent me a txt. He wants the kids Sunday. Now that I'm working full time, I value my (every other) weekends with my children. I never ask to take time from his weekends. I thought I would say"This is what we are doing, you can join us but I would like to spend time with them too since our time together is limited these days." I don't really like spending time with him, but if it will make my kids happy... Is this the way I should handle this?
Me-36 H-37 D11 S8 S6 M9 T19 ILYNILWY 11/10 discover EA 02/11 discover EA is really PA/H moved out 03/11 H wants to go to counselling,piecing 12/11 Find out still OW(plural), I'm officially done/detached 04/12
IMHO, I would say "sorry no, we have plans." Don't include him. Would he include you? Your kids will have to adjust eventually, now is a good time for them to do so. It would be confusing, I think, for them to see mommy and daddy together, and then other times not. He has made this bed, and needs to lay in it. No doing favours, no being kind, or feeling sorry for him. He left those children, now they pay the cost, and they need to see you guys separately, so there is no confusion. Maybe, after a year or so, you can do these kinds of favours, and you can also ask to have them on his days, but this is too early.
Go have a fun weekend with your kids.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Wow, I hadn't realized it had been so long. Up until a couple of weeks ago, things had been going very well for me. As my last posts had said, I had had enough of DH a little over a year ago and fully detached. It took a long time and me with a wall up, but DH and I slowly developed a friendship. This time around it seemed more sincere, because I wasn't hoping for anything else, and we were doing very well at co-parenting. He told me on more than one occasion how much our friendship meant to him and that he wouldn't screw it up again. I won't say the old DH has come back though. That should have been my first clue. He is into pampering himself even more, and a revolving door of girls. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago when my dd came to me and told me she had to tell me something, and not to get mad. It turns out DH had my children meet the girl he had the affair with (apparently they are recently back on). Then told them not to tell me. I was floored. First of all, DH is moving away in a few months (closer to us) so there was no reason for my children to meet her. Second, he knew I never wanted them to meet her and he agreed it would never happen. Third, to have my children deceive me. This has spun me backwards. I don't even know where to go from here. He has been pleading with me that he is sorry and made a mistake, but I just don't think I can do it again. I'm getting split advice from family/friends and even my counsellor. Everything in me says enough is enough. I need a dose of reality from this board,from others dealing with a MLCer and how you would handle this.
Me-36 H-37 D11 S8 S6 M9 T19 ILYNILWY 11/10 discover EA 02/11 discover EA is really PA/H moved out 03/11 H wants to go to counselling,piecing 12/11 Find out still OW(plural), I'm officially done/detached 04/12
I've been catching up on other people's journeys. Even being away from here a few months and you do forget the ideas behind DB. I gave up hope of saving my marriage but I would like to have my friend back. I've known H since I was 13. Anyway, after reading posts here I think I gained some insight into what H was doing. Remembering that they are only getting some of their needs met from OW, I think he was trying to add more needs by incorporating our children into their lives. "Playing family" so to speak? Not that this makes me like it any more than I did but I can see it. Maybe I'm wrong, but now that the kids and I have moved away that hole in his new life is getting more obvious? I talked to my counsellor after this meeting happened & he also thinks its a way for OW to try and have H bond with her more so he won't move. I also think that OW is in midlife crisis too.
Me-36 H-37 D11 S8 S6 M9 T19 ILYNILWY 11/10 discover EA 02/11 discover EA is really PA/H moved out 03/11 H wants to go to counselling,piecing 12/11 Find out still OW(plural), I'm officially done/detached 04/12
Isn't it strange how in the end, it is the friendship we miss the most when they take themselves away? I hear you, I miss my best friend, too.
I do not have children and do not usually post advice concerning them, but the asking young children to lie to you is something I would certainly discuss with him. Not with anger, but with acceptance that if he is going to introduce your children to his OW (really, you can't stop him) do not teach the children that lying is OK by asking them to cover for him. I am sure others have gone through this so they may be able to guide you more.
Focus on what is good for you and the kids. If there are holes in his life, he needs to fix them himself.
