I'm back, on my own.

[~ kd ~]

ah, yes. Dance recital... Yeah, I don't care how redneck or manly a guy is, you just do that stuff for your girl... and also yes, hockey is a huge commitment. There is no way your H should have signed YOU up for that. It's good you are enjoying it.

My W did a lot of volunteering of my time during our M. It did bother me, but the reality was that I got to spend some really great time with my kids. I do agree with your thought about wondering if they subconsciously do that to control our time and where abouts. My W was known to be insecure and somewhat jealous. She really did not like if she did not know where I was or if I was unavailable and not answering my phone when I was away.

As far as D14, for sure it's age. I do know that the two of us have a good relationship and bond. My W doesn't have a lot of boundaries with D14 so D14 mostly does what ever she wants when ever she wants, when she's with her mom. I can be a push over as well, but I live far enough away from where her friends are AND in the sticks, that I think D14 feels trapped a bit out here.

Anyhow, that's good you are mindful of your kids time with their dad. As far as D's time with your H, you might suggest and encourage it to your D, but in the end she may become resentful of YOU if you send her away with her dad. As she gets older, the law will allow her to choose where she wants to be, right now at her age she is obligated to any parental agreement schedule. I hope she knows that. All you can do is be there for the kids when and as they need it.

You sound like you're in a good place regarding that, other than this recital issue.

[canadianMrs.]

H found out he has some arthritis, of course as someone in MLC he took this very hard. Funny he had to share this with me.

[canadianMrs.]

Wow. They really are delusional, although I had a feeling this was coming. Over the last week I've had to see H more (funerals, kids activites). I even said to my sister I was worried he would take this as we were friends again, when it was just circumstances. Last night when we were exchanging my sons suitcases he was talking up a storm. I was talked very little. The opposite of our normal personalities. He then txted me last night, I didn't respond. Then again this morning, asking me to call him. I did, but it was nothing of importance. Again, when he was done talking I ended the call. Then I get a txt this afternoon saying he heard I would be in his town this coming weekend, and he would hope I was planning to come see him. What?! The last time I visited, that was the end of our piecing. It is amazing what they forget, or just don't think is important. I guess I'll be putting the boundaries up a little higher, which will be interesting since we have more things this week where we'll have to be together.

[~ kd ~]

I don't know if it's really delusional... yes, it can come across that way and yes, they have certainly spent a lot of time convincing themselves of how (their) reality really was and is...

Perhaps more the truth of the matter, especially with those who are full on, classic MLC... but in many cases it seems...

They really do appear to express and present themselves as they feel and thing IN THAT MOMENT. And that moment can last a week, a day... or a few minutes... and then they're off on some other tangent and their short term memory appears shot and they speak, behave and present in a different way.

I saw this in my W a month or so ago at an event. Within that 3 or so hours, she was distant, close, happy, aloof, sullen... literally moment to moment, a few minutes here, a half hour there...

Right now she seems to be wavering between pissed off at me and confused or thinking it's some technical glitch, because I'm not responding to non essential communication...

And so it goes...

Stay off the roller coaster... and try not to poke the bear...

[canadianMrs.]

I would agree the presenting themselves IN THAT MOMENT (week, day etc) I think that has been a huge part of our back and forth relationship of the last year. For example, asking us to go to counselling and then when we did, he started pursuing other women. He did seem so sincere at the time, I started to let my guard down, then I got hurt again. There are so many more examples. Just this weekend he was having a teary eyed moment (something I never saw before MLC) when he picked up our sons. He was looking at me, waiting. Waiting because last year I wouldn't have been able to ignore the tears and would have comforted him. Even though I felt horrible not doing the same, I knew those tears were for himself, and not for anything he has put our family through. I can't get pulled in, I only get hurt. That saying "Fool me once" plays in my head all the time (although I was fooled more than a few times).
I don't have any desire to fix our marriage anymore, and I don't know if I ever will, but I would like there to be a day where we can be friends. I've known this man since I was 14, together since 16. Its hard to ignore that history. I strongly feel though that DB/detaching is the only way we have a chance of a friendship down the road; limit the opportunities for more hurt and heal from that I've already been dealt.
So yes, staying off the roller coaster and trying not to poke the bear...even when they poke us. Probably even more then!
I has the analogy of a merry go round today, the ups and downs and going in circles.

[canadianMrs.]

The last week or so has been going well. Today was a different story, but I'm trying to stand firm and remember I am not in the wrong. Weeks ago H asked if we could change weekends so he could go away, and I have the kids. I agreed. I then made plans to spend the holiday weekend in my kids home town, see friends, do the tourist stuff. Its a beach town, so lots to do in the summer especially a holiday weekend. The kids can't wait. Well, I guess H's plans fell through and now we wants us to come home early so he can see the kids. I discussed it with the kids and they choose to stick to our plans. I told him this, and he is not happy with me now. The weekend is his birthday, so I do feel somewhat guilty/bad for him. Yet, the kids were obviously not his first choice. Once again, though its me thats the bad guy...

[~ kd ~]

I'm not sure what you mean by "my kids home town". Do you mean the town they were born and raised to their current age in, or I guess until you moved?

Are your kids still the same age as they are in your sig? Do they not like your H and if so, what would their reason be? Or is it simply that they would rather be at the beach than with their dad?

While I understand your position, I am not sure why there was no compromise made? Ultimately, that lies with you.

Alternately, did would it be horrible to offer that your H could come hang with the kids out where you and they will be?

[canadianMrs.]

We moved to this town for H's job, my kids were born there, and raised there the first few years of their lives. Then we moved again for H's job, to where H is now. H and I don't live in the same city. I moved back to my home "towb" (actually big city), to have emotional support and more opportunties for continuing my education/employment. I have done both.

They do like H, but I think they are growing tired of him coming and changing plans. When I asked D, she said "Its not his weekend". I get this a lot. She also pointed out that I don't change his plans with them.

I tried to compromise, and suggested we meet back in the town I live on the Sunday afternoon.(which is 1/2 way from where he lives and where the kids and I are going) I also invited him to come with us to see fireworks later that night. While his orginal plans have fallen through, he's still made new plans and he wanted me to rush back for him in the morning, he could have the kids for the day, then he go back home and go out with his friends at night.

I also said he could have all of Monday, which he has off, but he said no to that. He's made plans with friends again.

He won't come to where we are either. I did ask, even though I knew the answer. It would be a 4 hour drive...and would cut into his social life.

I'm feel like I was trying to compromise, but he wasn't. In the past, he would just complaining until I gave in.I feel like this was more of the same.

He called again tonight which was a repeat of earlier. I said I was open to other suggestions. We'll see what happens.
Its hard because I'm trying hard to be civil but keep him at arms length. I don't want to be stubborn but I also don't want to be manipulated.

[canadianMrs.]

I haven't been here for awhile. I feel like I go in cycles of sadness, anger, and then at peace/acceptance. Although I think each time I feel sad or angry I have an "ahha" moment/learn something that makes the next turn shorter and feel better longer. I had been doing really well for months, but maybe now its really sinking in? Plus I'm working full time now, and do feel resentment over how much I have on my plate while H lives a life mostly for himself.
One thing I am struggling with is this weekend; Its Canadian Thanksgiving & H has the kids. They are going to the in-laws Sat-Sun. I have been invited for the dinner Sat. night by both H and his parents. I don't know what to do. I want to see my BIL, SIL & nieces who I am close with (they have been so supportive of me but they live far enough that I don't see them often). However I know it will hurt when its time for me to leave when everyone else is staying the night. I'm trying to figure out what will hurt less in the long run, going or not.

[WenikiTiki]

I say, live in the moment, go enjoy your whole family. They will always be your kids relatives, no matter what.

And when you leave, you won't feel sad. You will be filled with the knowledge you did the right thing for the kids.