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Denton Offline OP
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Hi, I believe I am very fortunate ( considering others sitchs) that the real heavy stuff has only been going on for about 6-9 months although things have been tough for a couple of years it felt more like a phase that marriages go through and we were both so busy working and bringing up 3 young kids that in a way it was hardly noticed and I guess I sub consciously put up barriers to a lot of the crap. Like I said, compared to some sitchs on here it's like a walk in the park and it's always felt like she has held onto reality just a little the whole time and not gone completely off the rails like some others have.

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Hey Denton, just wanted to put a point on those time that you might feel real down. I hope that you are just verbalizing that you have "given up on life" but wouldn't act on it. If you have any serious thoughts about that, please talk to a professional about those thoughts.

I got a kick out of you asserting your masculinity after saying you were window shopping... lol... Hey, no fear... I window shop a lot, too... I just call it... "price comparing". grin

IF your W is MLC, confusion can be quite a big factor. Trying to figure out simple things can be difficult for them. My W recently asked me to figure out summer schedule with the kids (there's some conflicts) because I'm better at scheduling than she is... huh? crazy That from someone who has scheduled our entire 12 years together and puts together conferences for hundreds of participants... Yeah, their brains can be a little... London Fog like... wink

Only you know if you can "hang on" long enough. Honestly, I'd recommend not focusing on hanging on. Summer's here... spend some time with your mates catching some football games... or cricket... if you're into that kind of thing... lol...

IF your W is MLC (and she could likely be), then on some of the "best" time lines, your W might only be about half way through. GAL will be very important for you to make it through this. Some of the more "high functioning" MLCers might go through quicker... the low functioning ones... those who are really stuck on denial... they seem to take a tad longer...

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Originally Posted By: verab754

That is nice. I hope you were able to thank her with genuine emotion and leave it at that smile


Yep sure did, although after reading through this website again I feel I've missed opportunities to thank her and give her affirmations (her 2nd LL)

Originally Posted By: verab754

I don't know that analogy and I'm not sure I want to, but at least she was giving you direct feedback about behaviors that were bothering her. I don't think she was effectively saying to back off, she was DEFINITELY saying to back off! Time to back off a bit!


The analogy is quite innocent! Basically to tame a feral cat or a wild squirrel you hold your hand out with food slowly and patiently and wait for it to come to you, as it starts to trust you more, maybe take a step towards and see how they react but if you take too many steps they will run away and you start all over again. And yeah I got the back off message and am doing.
Originally Posted By: verab754

Good for you - see, she reached out to you first! Don't beat yourself up about not finishing the conversation first. It seems like some of the rules are easier to remember and practice once you've messed them up! smile Maybe set yourself a few goals - 1 day without texting, 2 days without texting, etc. Then you'll feel better after seeing that you can do it.


At the very beginning of the sitch I went all week without
communication, it's just that I got sucked back in with her illness and feeling things were getting better. I think I needed her too say to me 'leave me alone' to stop it, saturday night really pushed me away again and that helped, yesterday was easier to not contact her.

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Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Hey Denton, just wanted to put a point on those time that you might feel real down. I hope that you are just verbalizing that you have "given up on life" but wouldn't act on it. If you have any serious thoughts about that, please talk to a professional about those thoughts.

It wasn't really serious but it was more serious than I felt for a long time, I've snapped out of it now, I don't feel it was due to my sitch completely, rather I think that it was just everything getting on top of me for a short time period.

Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem

IF your W is MLC, confusion can be quite a big factor. Trying to figure out simple things can be difficult for them. My W recently asked me to figure out summer schedule with the kids (there's some conflicts) because I'm better at scheduling than she is... huh? crazy That from someone who has scheduled our entire 12 years together and puts together conferences for hundreds of participants... Yeah, their brains can be a little... London Fog like... wink


Yeah, it's one of many, many 'symptoms' that's convinced me it's MLC rather than anything else

Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem

GAL will be very important for you to make it through this. Some of the more "high functioning" MLCers might go through quicker... the low functioning ones... those who are really stuck on denial... they seem to take a tad longer...


Yeah, I am more focussed on this again now, Saturday night really pushed me away again which is a good thing, I've always thought she still has a slight grip on reality and I'm hoping that her having plenty of space due to our living arrangements will help her come through it quicker.

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Originally Posted By: Denton

Yep sure did, although after reading through this website again I feel I've missed opportunities to thank her and give her affirmations (her 2nd LL)


Again - now that you feel like you've missed the opportunity, you'll be more aware of it next time. I've done the same thing plenty of times! That's part of the process.

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OMG, I can't believe it's been nearly 3 months since I last posted on here! I'm back again for a bit of an update and a bit of advice - things have improved a lot between us over the months, I'm round there nearly every night and she seems comfortable in my presence, we have a bit of a laugh - well as much as we can after being knackered from both working full time and occasionally she is a bit moody (and TBH so am I but it feels more to do with tiredness than hostility between us. I'm not anti depressants any more for the first time in about 8 years, I don't have any trouble controlling my anger any more, although I do get a tiny bit angry at times it is easily controllable. Whenever we talk about things in the future it's always about us , still not talking about the relationship though, we did have a bit of a more serious chat a few weeks ago but it was very short and it was me testing the water and she got very defensive so I changed the subject quickly. I still see a counsellor every week but instead of it all being about my R it's become a 50/50 of my R and dealing with long overdue sorting out of my own personal issues whereas at the beggining of the sitch it was a minute by minute account of my R that week.I've also tested the water with a letter 1 month ago explaining to her how much I love her and how sorry I was for my part in the whole thing, I wrote it deliberetly so she didn't feel the need to reply and I just wanted to make clear to her that I do because at the very beggining she was under the impression I didn't!?! It was also in my mind not a begging/chasing letter (although obviously it was a little bit) It took me 3 weeks before I was ready to give it to her and I was confident enough to give it to her and not expect a reply, she was quite moody for a few days after, not major but I got the impression that it wasn't the right time for anything else like that yet, it was more of a cheeseless tunnel thing because although I am more settled in the situation I want this whole situation to improve a bit quicker because I don't like leaving her or the kids at night to go back to where I'm staying.

She has occasionally been going out to nightclubs with her friends and she keeps asking me for permission and I've almost literally pushed her out the door to go out (a massive and very hard to do 180) and I've stopped asking about her night at all, like did she have a nice time, who was she with, where did she go etc. I don't ask a thing but she tells me all about it now anyway and I just smile and say something like, I'm glad you had a nice time. I feel I've been tested a LOT over the last few months and I think I've passed with flying colours and a good indication of how things have improved, last week I got a text from her at half one in the morning telling me we'd caught a mouse in a mouse trap we set earlier that evening!, compare that to 7 months ago where she wanted to be left alone and was going on all about her independence.

I've got to the stage where I don't feel at all in limbo anymore and I realise I have the power and I'm in control of my life and I can walk away anytime I want. I still love her more than anything in the world and I absolutely want us to have a great future together and all the signs are positive (and looking back all the signs have been positive ) but they don't teach you this kind of stuff at school and nothing can prepare you for it at all. Still feel like shes going through MLC/depression but I feel like I'm helping her with it rather than hindering her now.

I want to take this opportunity to thank everybody that has helped me and for everybody who helps others you've been invaluable and made a real difference and taught me a lot.You are real Angels and it's amazing that you help complete strangers in their time of need. Unfortunetly I don't have the time to comment on other peoples threads and even if I did it hurts to much to read them and think about how to answer them. I may post on here again, I may not but wanted to say this.

It's funny, the answers I was looking for at the beggining of this post have come to me while writing it.

I was wondering what to do next but I see that through the whole timeline things have improved, just not at the speed I want so once again I need to dig deep and find more patience and carry on with what I've been doing and occasionally just put the feelers out to see what the reaction is.

Once again guys from the bottom of my heart THANKYOU.

ps. Any advice you do want to give is welcome smile

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Great to hear from you Denton and to find that things are getting better for you.

As you've concluded, it does sound like you are on the right path and just need to keep moving forward, with patience.

Unless, you want to try something different? Not different in the sense of no longer doing what you are doing, which appears to be working...

Rather... try something different IN ADDITION TO what you are doing that is working...

What might that be?

I will ask you a very good question that was asked of me a couple months ago:

+ If you were to guess, what do you think your W really wants from you? What do you think would fill her heart?

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Hi KD I've asked myself the same question, I'm not sure what else I could do, the only thing that I could think of is win the lottery lol, which I am trying to do! I'm calm and happy most of the time, listen attentively when she talks about work or anything and ask questions, I do the majority of housework and take control of the kids whenever I'm there, if I get a hint from her that she would like help with anything I offer my help, I pay compliments when I feel they're genuine and agree with her on things the large majority of the time.If I do slip up on anything I apologise. I know I can improve further on all these things but I'm completely changing who I am (for me, because over the years I'd become a negative angry person and I never was that person and that was who I'd become in all my life, not just at home or in my R) and that takes time and I think I've made great progress and I'm doing my best to improve her confidence generally.

Any other ideas?

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Couple things...

I'm going to ask this in a leading way. Are you doing the majority of the housework because you WANT to?

IOW, are you looking for brownie points with your W or just because you like and want to?

I will believe you if you say you wrote the above because you are letting us know how you are improving yourself. It just comes off as though you are making a list of "look at me, I'm a good H and my W should notice and come back to me" thought.

Just an observation. Otherwise, if you are doing all of that, again, just because you want to and believe it is a great improvement to you, whether your M lasts or not... awesome... cool

The other bit was about your joke about winning the lottery.

Is that a complaint with your W? That money is in short supply? Or is it just something that you think would be great... again, regardless of your W or your M?

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Hiya, I've taken a couple of days to really think about what you asked!
The housework thing is because it needs doing and she doesn't hardly do any,it did start out as a look at me thing but that was months ago, and I haven't fished for a compliment or a thank you for months either and that was probably only once or twice .But I do feel like I'm her slave at the moment and I am doing 90% of the housework but I've noticed recently she is trying a bit and my plan is to keep giving her positive encouragement when she does and hope she starts doing more in that way.
Money is in short supply but I really don't think I'm blamed for that by her, I do feel that she feels equally responsible for it and yeah more money regardless of M is always good!

I'm really trying hard to fulfil her every need, which I'm actually happy to do and don't feel the resentment like I have done in the past.

Like I said a few days ago, I'm round at home nearly all the time now and only come back to where I'm staying to sleep. And TBH my gut feeling is she likes me being around, another example is she comes home straight from work now, whereas in the past she would hang around talking to people for upto an hour and at the worst point admitted she did this to avoid coming home, now she comes straight home.
I sometimes wonder if she would prefer me not to go back to where I'm staying at night but isn't ready to say anything yet!

Thank you for your questions, it's making me think 'deeper' again.

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