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#2238151 04/16/12 06:49 AM
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Hi, brand new to forum, been reading for about 2 weeks now. It amazes me how many people out there are having these issues...so sad. But, it's also good to see the success stories as well.

I'll try to keep it brief. wink

W left with kids on 3/18/12 to her parents house. She informed me that she wants me to find my own place and that she wants out of the marriage. She contacted a mediator on 3/27/12 but hasn't done anything since.

We seperated about 3 1/2 years ago (July 2008) after MC suggested it for 6 months. We R and things were great for about 3 of those...same things began about July 2011. I would get frustrated with finances, try to solve the problems practically and W would feel controlled and alone and then withdrawal and shut down (our little dance). I have an issue with showing tenderness (although I do love her dearly) and she said that she knows I love her but she feels I don't like her, can't help her feeling that way but I do understand. It makes me sick that she feels that way.

I honestly feel that the real issue here is that she has never forgiven me for life before 1st seperation and basically expected me to be perfect since...sort of set up to fail almost. Things have been better, I have been able to show more affection (but clearly not enough) and have worked real hard at having calm, supportive conversations about money, work, life...etc.

Currently, I have found a small apartment, W is home with kids but house is up for sale (short sale unfortuntely...go figure). shocked We feel that whatever happens we need to get the house out from under us, we built it in 2007 (dream home) but not at all...has stretched us too thin, which has created much anxiety and frustration on my part. I have IC and have started a path on emotionally focused therapy...undertsanding now the true basic need for an emotional bond for everyone...and to address things more from a supportive and emotional approach. I truly believe this is the right path for me.

I have begun to GAL...working out...hanging out with friends, even looking into volunteer work. I also have begun to touch on the 180s...it's VERY hard but I am focused. Interaction with W is mainly due to the kids which keeps things light...no real discussion of R, trying to give her space and time. She did call me out of the blue the night I moved into my apt to see how I was...and yesterday came over to pick up D (had her for night an day) but also to see the place.

I broke down a little and spoke of the path I was on and how I fully understand her pain and I know I am who she needs me to be...it's who she married...just life's daily crud getting in the way. She can all ready see the physical difference in me and has commented on it - losing weight and getting more tone. She thought what I said was very sweet...didn't cry but was visibly moved but restated that she "just doesn't feel us getting back together." I expected that and it didn't bother me too much...just wanted to plant a seed I guess. haven't spoke or contacted her since. Today is my birthday...very interested how she's going to handle that.

Anyway...I know I'm new here and still unsure of basic rules...and I said I'd try to keep it brief. Long story short...I love my wife dearly, she's my best friend...and am totally devoted to her and my kids. My gut tells me that I am on the right path and that we will eventually R but she doesn't. she does say that she likes me and still loves me but she just can't get over the pain and needs a change. Like I said, she's never forgiven me and I know that if she won't she'll never be able to move on postively let alone think about us and a future.

Me: 44
W: 39
D: 16
D: 13
D: 11
M: 17
T: 21 1/2
Bomb: 3/18/12
Contacted mediator: 3/27/12
S since bomb


Me:44, W: 39
D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs)
M:17, T:21+
Bomb:3/18/12
W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12
Separate since bomb
Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12
No talk of D since mediation
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Welcome to the board.

Have you read the 37 rules?

She is asking for SPACE, give it to her.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she say and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Stay on one thead until 100 posts.

Do not beg, plead, or pursue.
Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2238595 04/17/12 04:36 PM
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Like what Cadet says.

Welcome, totallydevoted. Sorry you're here under these circumstances. Have you read either Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy? Have you and wife talked about counseling or a marriage retreat or something like that?

Happy birthday, by the way! Stay positive and keep looking upward and forward.

Cheers!


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112
alamo76 #2238629 04/17/12 06:11 PM
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Thank you Cadet and alamo76.

I have read the 37 rules and am doing my best to follow them. Our only real contact is because of the kids...and I keep the conversation light and positive...no talk of R except for slip up this past Saturday. I am really hoping "believe none of what she says and half of what she does" is correct...because she looks (and acts) as if she's moving on.

Only counselor is IC...she says she's not ready to talk about this yet. As Cadet says...she needs space, and I'm trying very hard to give it to her.

But how much is too much?


Me:44, W: 39
D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs)
M:17, T:21+
Bomb:3/18/12
W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12
Separate since bomb
Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12
No talk of D since mediation
alamo76 #2238801 04/18/12 11:23 AM
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Welcome. Sorry you are going through this. A couple of things.

Read the 37 rules. Also, because you both went to counseling in the past and improved and then degraded, I feel your wife isn't going to accept your 180's at first. Remember you have worked hard before and improved but things still got bad for her in the long run. This means your changes need to be real and lasting. Consistency will be very important.

Try not to focus too much on the house, finances, and such when talking and interacting with her. Now is not the time to share how you feel to get that comfort and support you are used to. NOT sharing your financial concerns might be a very big 180 for you. I am just speculating here so take what I say with a a grain of salt.

Good luck and be ready for the long haul.

alamo76 #2238864 04/18/12 03:43 PM
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Had dinner last night as a family for my D's(13...now 14) birthday. We wanted to give her a "normal" birthday. We went out and my wife agreed for me to pick them all up and then go from the house. Probably to save gas for herself. frown The night was great...we laughed as a family, had a great dinner...and then went back to the house for cake and presents. We (W and I) sat on the deck for about 25 minutes and just chatted...no talk of us...just innocent conversation. It felt good...but of course felt horrible when I left to go back to my lonely 1 bedroom apt.

W still seems distant and I believe last night was mainly for our D...and not anything else. It hurts so bad...and is so hard not to hold her. When we were driving home from the restaurant, I almost put my hand on her leg, as I always did when we were driving. I caught myself and apologized, saying old habits are hard to break. she looked away out the window for a couple of seconds...not sure how she felt about that.


Me:44, W: 39
D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs)
M:17, T:21+
Bomb:3/18/12
W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12
Separate since bomb
Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12
No talk of D since mediation
alamo76 #2238865 04/18/12 03:49 PM
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I understand the 37 rules and am working real hard at adhering to them. All contact is mainly due to the kids...but there is an email every now and then...sending jokes mainly but every now and then I break down to let her know how devoted I am to her and the kids. I know this is wrong...but I just have this horrible fear that if I cut off all connection that she'll feel better about this decision and follow through with a D.

What's the best way to GAL but also keep that connection? I just wish I could see some glimmer of hope in her...right now...even though we're cordial and friendly...R-wise, nothing...it hurts real bad.


Me:44, W: 39
D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs)
M:17, T:21+
Bomb:3/18/12
W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12
Separate since bomb
Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12
No talk of D since mediation
alamo76 #2238921 04/18/12 06:58 PM
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Man, it takes so long to see my posts. I hope you all haven't forgot about me. eek


Me:44, W: 39
D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs)
M:17, T:21+
Bomb:3/18/12
W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12
Separate since bomb
Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12
No talk of D since mediation
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 90
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Member
OP Offline
Member
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 90
Thank you LeafTurner...you are right about the changes. I have to make sure these are for me only, since we did backslide especially. I know I have made consistent changes since 2008 but not enough for her right now. And, of course, all she's focusing on are the negatives. Her changes never materialized either...but I was able to forgive her back then and still can because I truly did recommit in 2008, but obviously no on is perfect. Unfortunately it appears she expected me to be and feels that all our woes are my fault.

My gut tells me that we are meant to grow old together...all other aspects of our R are very good...hopefully this space she needs will make her realize this and the changes I've been making are for real.


Me:44, W: 39
D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs)
M:17, T:21+
Bomb:3/18/12
W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12
Separate since bomb
Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12
No talk of D since mediation
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 90
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 90
Just journaling...

Feeling better lately, that panicky feeling seems to be getting better but still having trouble not contacting W. Mostly by email and any phone contact is for kids.

I went to the house to give D a birthday card from my mother and stayed fairly upbeat. W told me that realtor contacted us about a showing tomorrow...I think that affected me a bit and I got a little cold. But, I got out of there pretty quick, however I may have sounded short...which is what my W says is part of my problem at times...seem distant and cold. I called the house after I left...made up some reason why and sounded very cheerful and happy (not actually too much of a lie) - to ask her a question about the yard and thanked W for being there for showing and that I appreciated it. Got the answering machine and still no call back...about an hour ago. Which confirms in my head that I was short and it showed. this is why space is pivotal...to keep from screwing up. smile

Have to really work on staying positive and upbeat...keep the contact to just the kids and stay mysterious. It is really hard to stay distant but keep that contact. I MUST stop any contact until she initiates it...just scared she won't...ugh. confused

Anyway...that's all for now.


Me:44, W: 39
D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs)
M:17, T:21+
Bomb:3/18/12
W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12
Separate since bomb
Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12
No talk of D since mediation
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