Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 81
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 81
Hi Jlove,

I know you may have covered this, but how did you know your W was ready to go to Retro?

I've been in my sitch for just over 2 months and I do see my H taking baby steps, but D talk still continues. I just wonder if my H would ever agree to try and work on this R.


Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
J
jlove Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
Originally Posted By: finding nemo
Hi Jlove,

I know you may have covered this, but how did you know your W was ready to go to Retro?

I've been in my sitch for just over 2 months and I do see my H taking baby steps, but D talk still continues. I just wonder if my H would ever agree to try and work on this R.



I didn't know, and she even told me that she didn't want to and didn't want to be there the 1st day. We were in a holding pattern making no progress and just kind of existing. I know she is a religious person and somewhere inside her didn't want to quit on us. We just needed to get to that.


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 112
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 112
Jlove, I'm happy for you that your sitch took a good turn. I really hope for you that you and W continue to grow together and she doesn't panic and go back to square one kind of like mine did (haven't done RV).

My W is currently unwilling to cut her friendship with OM right now, and I'm basically ready to call it all off. Would RV be a good idea at this time? As much as I want to end it to enforce my boundaries, I also don't want to leave any stone unturned.


M:28 | W:28 | T:4.5 | M:2.5 | No Children
EA1 Uncovered: Jun 2011
EA2 Uncovered: 2011-09-29
S: 2011-09-29
I'm moving on: 2012-05-08
My story: http://bit.ly/K3ttPM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
J
jlove Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
Thank you Ben! I know how that "friendship" with OM can feel and make you not who you want to be. The best advice I can give to you is to focus on you, and do your best to forget about OM. I know it's a heck of a lot harder to do, trust me.

I say this because he is truly a symptom of the illness in your relationship right now. If you fix the R, he's not an issue. I know this is easier said than done.

If you can get her to RV, you will begin to deal with your and her feelings, and she'll have to look into all that. In my sitch, since RV, we've only been focused on US. OM hasn't come up YET (I decide to trust her when she says she's no communication). We are dealing with our feelings. In my sitch, my W knows she made mistakes, I've made mistakes and we have to forgive.

We also have to rebuild trust in one another, so that issue is here. I have Decided to give her my trust (along with my love, of course), so with that is a boundary. Does that make sense?

I am more at peace than I've been in months, because I'm focused on me and my feelings which I control, and my wife mostly feels the peace and it allows US to heal in a positive way. For emotional me, this is a 180 wide as the Grand Canyon. I'm no fool to think it'll always be easy, but if I can be at peace and just worry about that and smoothing the road, that is at least half the battle.


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,157
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 2,157
Glad for you, thankful for you, and praying for you! Please GIVE ADVICE wink


dbmod
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,531
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,531
Congratulations, Jlove. It always warms my heart to read the stories of people who went to Retrouvaille and had a breakthrough. Retrouvaille was the turning point in my marriage 4 years ago, and we have never returned to the troubled times that we had before the weekend. It was amazing how the experience changed us and made us better people. Not just a better couple; but people who no longer always put themselves first. For me, that was the biggest change.

The first week after Retrouvaille was very scary for me. I kept thinking we would revert back; that the change wouldn't last. But each Sunday when we went to the Post sessions, I felt the relationship strengthen. And then, after 6 post sessions, we were graduates! I couldn't believe it. I still felt like a little kid swimming in the deep end of the pool without adequate supervision. But we did it. We continued on the journey ourselves.

We kept in touch with one couple from the weekend who lived near us. It was good to have another couple to share the experience with. And we became volunteers for Retrouvaille. It's good four times a year to go and see those people again. People who have love for each other in their eyes. Jlove, you know what I mean. I'm sure you saw it this weekend.

anyway, just wanted to say I am happy for you. Don't get lazy though. do the homework just as they tell you to. Everyday you are building a better marriage as surely as if you were building a new house to live in.

Lotus

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 112
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 112
Thanks for the insight jlove. Some good things for me to think about. 25 dropped by my thread already and got me thinking and this is just more to chew on. I'm going to read your story front to back when I get a chance. You might be hearing from me soon with more questions!

In the meantime, please keep us updated. Even if it's a story where you couldve done something dumb or almost overreacted about something small but didn't, think about posting. Sometimes all I need is to hear about people having success to give me a bit more fuel. Feel like I'm sucking fumes a lot lately.

Take care, and I sincerely hope you keep making progress!


M:28 | W:28 | T:4.5 | M:2.5 | No Children
EA1 Uncovered: Jun 2011
EA2 Uncovered: 2011-09-29
S: 2011-09-29
I'm moving on: 2012-05-08
My story: http://bit.ly/K3ttPM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
J
jlove Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
Originally Posted By: Lotus
Congratulations, Jlove. It always warms my heart to read the stories of people who went to Retrouvaille and had a breakthrough. Retrouvaille was the turning point in my marriage 4 years ago, and we have never returned to the troubled times that we had before the weekend. It was amazing how the experience changed us and made us better people. Not just a better couple; but people who no longer always put themselves first. For me, that was the biggest change.

The first week after Retrouvaille was very scary for me. I kept thinking we would revert back; that the change wouldn't last. But each Sunday when we went to the Post sessions, I felt the relationship strengthen. And then, after 6 post sessions, we were graduates! I couldn't believe it. I still felt like a little kid swimming in the deep end of the pool without adequate supervision. But we did it. We continued on the journey ourselves.

We kept in touch with one couple from the weekend who lived near us. It was good to have another couple to share the experience with. And we became volunteers for Retrouvaille. It's good four times a year to go and see those people again. People who have love for each other in their eyes. Jlove, you know what I mean. I'm sure you saw it this weekend.

anyway, just wanted to say I am happy for you. Don't get lazy though. do the homework just as they tell you to. Everyday you are building a better marriage as surely as if you were building a new house to live in.

Lotus


Thank you, we are focused on the homework and following up. It is like a breath of fresh air in our marriage. That's awesome that you volunteer! It is a day by day focus and it will take the work to make it better, but I think we both want and see we can do it now. I do know what you mean about the love in their eyes too. It was so powerful I'm seeing my priest to discuss, I've never witness anything as powerful as what I saw there. Someone else put it from Matthew, "whenever two or more are gathered in my name, I am with them."


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
J
jlove Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 126
Originally Posted By: dbmod
Glad for you, thankful for you, and praying for you! Please GIVE ADVICE wink


Thank you for the prayers and kindness. I will give all the advice I can give. It's the least I can do given all the help I've received from others!


M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
RE: RETROVAILLE...

though it was started by Catholics in Canada, they offer non-denominational ones as well.

Also, my h is not Catholic (although he's not bigoted against the Church I knew he would not be in the mood to hear any dogma and frankly, I wasn't either).

Our Retrovaille was technically Catholic. You could NOT tell that at all. There were four guide couples who told us their stories and how they worked things out...They do this in pieces and you get exercises too.

There's no public disclosure needed, shared, or expected and there is no shaming. A lot of the work is done as a couple in private after a topic is discussed and you do follow up.

BTW there was a retired priest in the background who said if anyone felt harmed by the Church or organized religion, he was available to discuss that. I thought that was sort of brave. He may have lead a prayer or two but the only feeling I got was pretty generic. No dogma was presented and it's hardly a place for converting.

I think an adamant atheist would be uncomfortable b/c they do discuss a "spiritual connection" between spouses and the word "God" too. But at least at ours, in this area, the religious aspects were extremely generic.

We felt very comfortable and my h isn't a church goer atm.

If you can get a spouse there you won't be harmed and the marriage may get a victorious miracle or a second chance.

I have heard of rare occasions where a spouse left but that is NOT Retrovaille's issue or fault. It's the spouse who left. If an affair or guilt inducing event is going on, that's a separate issue.

They interview you on the phone before coming to get you to "buy into" working on the marriage and NOT an OP while you attend...which makes sense.

Good luck, feel free to ask more if you want

I HIGHLY recommend it and felt got us from "piecing" to a "restored marriage"...

although in truth I also think "Piecing" is a life long process...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Page 4 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard