Anger and animosity...how do I help my W (if I can) move beyond these two feelings? Before landing here, I broke a few of the rules...namely, involving her parents, snooping, and lying about them both. I feel less inclined to snoop as I once did (perhaps that was a phase) and am trying to rebuild trust by letting her know when her parents contact me.
I'd like to think that this sort of forgiveness will take time and patience...I've started to forgive her for the EA that I hope is now over, but things are at a complete standstill at the moment. Do I give her the time and space that she needs to work through this?
Been away for a few days and wanted to give an update....I suppose I backslid a bit today, but am hopeful I can regain ground.
W went out w/friends last night and I barraged with questions today (who, what, when, etc..). A slight regression, but I want to trust her. Need to step back from all of this and continue to focus on me. She's so angry with me, which I guess is something instead of being indifferent. Says she can't even think about working on the M or R right now.
Suppose I need to go back and re-read DB and 37 rules and apply them all. Some I am applying, others not so much. Perhaps its best that we start out at being friends first? She's given me the blessing of time, and I guess that is something to be thankful for.
Any guidance from vets or otherwise is much appreciated.
your sitch is alot like mine. W has alot of the same behaviors as yours too. kinda scary. i also act alot like you. doin stuff right only to backslide the next day. it is so hard. i feel your pain. my wife is moving out in 2 weeks. she comes home when she feels like it, doesnt sleep here regularily anymore. be careful. if you concern yourself to much with her it will baackfire. i did that. i am listening to the wisdom i'm finding here and doing my best to apply it.
yeah, i feel like i'm hanging myself with my own rope by backsliding every few days. some days there are no issues....others i get this nagging feeling that I act on. today I did that. need to really back off, give her space, and focus on me more. been away from the boards for a few days, so i was thinking that when I get that nagging feeling perhaps i'll just post here.
good luck to you as well...with so much in common, perhaps we can continue to support each other through this difficult time.
Give her the space... don't ask where she's been. DON'T SNOOP. I know it's hard. I've been there. I found an affair a couple years ago. It ate me alive. I lived and breathed finding more evidence and proof.
I have a new situation now. There may be an affair, so I just assume there is. Confirming the affair wouldn't change much other than my own attitude and emotions.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
thats a good idea..posting here when you get the feelings. i should do that. i just do somethin stupid that usually ends up backfiring. the space thing is very important, at least in my sitch. for some reason that is so hard for me to deal with. why, i don't know.. fear i think. thats not a feeling i'm used to so i try to deal with it the only way i know.. trying to find out whats going on. then i feel like i dont have to be scared. but that usually opens up new fears. a vicious cycle bordering on insanity. i've been trying to figure out a good 180 to do. i think the best one i can do is let go, stop looking and talking about what i think W is lying about. i don't know if it would work for you. let me know what you think.
it's great advice...let go, stop looking, and more importantly, THINKING....its the thinking that really drives me crazy. i think then act on it, and then end up prying to find something to confirm what i thought. more often than not it ends up blowing up in my face and i end up being wrong!
Think less...probably the best advice i can follow at this point.
Time and patience...i have to practice at that and allow things to evolve naturally.
W called be upset today b/c her mom called to talk about sitch. Backstory here is that I (mistakenly as I see it now) involved my ILs when I had noone else to turn to...I was looking for advice weeks ago on how to handle things that my W was saying/doing and turned to my ILs. Now, my W and MIL's relationship has almost completely deteriorated and W blames me. All of her anger is fixated on what I did by involving them.
To the vets out there who may have made a similar mistake....did you S forgive you? Did they see through what you did and learned to forgive? I see it was a mistake involving them and hope my W can get past this. Again, still early in my roller coaster ride (about 4-5 weeks since my D-day), but she's completed against even discussing our R or M at this point because of her hostility towards me.
Alby, I think we've all made similar mistakes. It's normal; that shouldn't require an explaination. When you've been rejected, hurt, betrayed, disappointed, whatever, the normal reaction is fear of a very different, scary future than we were expecting and frantically trying to stop the bleeding.
The thing now is deciding whether to remain embroiled in a particular emotional situation or to move forward. Whether we reconcile or divorce, we all had/have to move forward sooner or later; there's no other choice.
It helps to get your emotions under control by detaching, which should be the first order of business for most LBS'ers.
I posted the following in another thread and someone liked it, so it may help you.
"Detachment is a two edged sword. It means you have to sever your emotional connection to your WAS to a certain extent. His/her choices, actions, words have to no longer dictate whether or not you're going to be happy, angry or sad. The hardest part perhaps is deciding that you can be happy without him/her.
I know, it sounds like giving up, but there is a liberation to it. It actually makes it easier for you to work on the things that you want, objectivly, patiently and with a purpose. Remember that there are no guarantees. The only outcome you really want is for you to be happy again.
You can imagine that happiness with him/her in a flourishing marriage. But can you imagine a different outcome? This is the beginning of detachment. you say to yourself someone else is not going to dictate my emotionl state of being.
We've all been here. We've all been basket cases, hurt and in pain, embarassed, betrayed and feeling like failures. But in the end you've got to get to a place of peace and back in control of your emotions. The tools are GAL and taking good care of yourself. It takes time and is not an easy journey."
Once you find that place of relative tranquility, you can objectively "decide" to forgive or not, without dragging your emotional baggage into the decision. Whether or not your WAS forgives you is another one of those choices of "theirs" that you have no control over and mustn't obsess about. You did what you did; it's time to move FORWARD and only learn from past mistakes.
Take care of yourself first and give things time. Remember, forgiveness is easy; it's the forgetting that's tough. That's why these things take time. Don't wear yourself out trying to stop the bleeding.
Pic.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
that is very well said. stuff to think about. i find myself starting to detach i guess. W didnt call or come home from work till late. i was fine with that. didnt really care. when she did come home she wanted to "talk". which means yell at me and tell me how horrible i am. didnt really phase me. usually after this i cry. no tears came this time.
alby- been thinking alot about you. hoping you are doing okay. keep your head up. i know its hard. keep posting. i look for your posts and keep hoping for you to be doing okay
