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Hello everyone. I have been reading these forums for just a few weeks now, and I felt it was time for me to introduce myself.

A few weeks ago my wife of almost 14 years asked me for a separation. She is absolutely the most wonderful person I have ever met in my life. I have read both the DB and DR books. Also, I have been working with Chuck (coaching). I believe that new members have a limit on the size of posts so I will share more as I am able.

I want to thank everyone for sharing such a personal part of their lives. During these times you have all been a lifeline.

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Hey Leaf Turner

As they always say here on the boards. Welcome to the best site for a sh!tty situation.

Yes you will be on moderation. The more you post, the sooner you will get off moderation.

Tell us more about your sitch. We are here to help.


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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Leaf

please do share more of what you are comfortable sharing.

that way we can try to help.

welcome.


My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
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After reading both the Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy books, and also watching the Marriage Breakthrough videos, I realize how many mistakes I have made over the past years.

My wife and I were very active. We had lots of fun and would go on date nights at least twice per month almost our entire marriage. We have amazing chemistry (in her words) and our sex life was pretty consistent. We have two beautiful children who are the delight of our lives.

I own a company and have a very busy schedule. My wife has a part time job (regular work), and has traditionally handled more of the taking care of the children and home affairs. We have a nanny and a housekeeper on the days my wife is at work (several times per week). Though, kids are messy and we still have to cleanup. Though, I don't believe my wife or I have have cleaned a bathroom, vacuumed, or things like that in many years.

Interesting enough, when watching the Marriage Breakthrough video where Michelle talks about the differences between men and women, I think my wife and I have the opposite roles. I feel that, in our marriage I was the great communicator and the nag. I think my wife had a difficult time sharing her thoughts and feelings and was more reserved.Being a business owner and a natural troubleshooter, one of my "more of the same" behaviors was explaining things over and over and over and over in 100's of different ways. I know bad right?

Also, I can be quite critical. I tend to analyze things and fall into a rut. In my job this is what I do all day. Sadly, like a fool, I let this carry into my marriage. Things I was particularly picky about was being late, having a schedule, and whats the plan. It's not like I wasn't spontaneous, I love having no plans as I get enough of that at work and its nice to just "be" on the weekends and vacations. My particular flavor is more of when we have commitments to others, a reservation (movie, play, dinner), etc. Being late for these always made my feel like I was being rude to others and I could get upset and express my frustration (more of the same).

Also, I didn't realize it before, but I think my wife may has been getting burned out in life. She had a hysterectomy about a year ago. I feel that my wife has always dreamed about being a mother since she was very little. She has told me this and her actions in the past support that. I don't want to assume anything, but I wonder if she is looking for whats next in life for her. My wife is usually not very talkative. She has told me for years that she doesn't like to go to parties without me, as she needs me to do the talking to break the ice with people because she says she isn't good at it. In the past 6 months or so I have seen her really get out there and connect with many of the mothers from our children's school. Ladies night, trips, etc.

In my heart I have been really excited about some of these changes and I didn't actually get scared for it, it was a welcome change. While I feel that I was mostly supportive of these activities, I know I made mistakes. Sometimes she would schedule these activities back to back and I would feel left out. I would feel disappointed that she wouldn't want to spend time with me, or with me and the kids, and/or invite me to more of these activities. A few times I would make comments like "maybe I should go out that night instead". Like a fool, this isn't how I felt but this would be my reaction.

I know that marriage problems take two, but no one but myself put me where I stand. I take responsibility for my actions, of which I am not proud of all of them.

When my wife told me she wanted a separation she was completely convinced that while she loved me and was attracted to me, that I can't change. She says she has seen me improve myself over the years and thinks I am one of the most amazing people she has ever met. Though, she has had enough and is concerned that if she were willing to try and work on things that "she can't take it one more time".

Thank you for listening

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Well tonight was rough. I woke up at 3:30am from a dream. I have had MANY dreams similar to this since being married, but none like this since the separation. I was dreaming of kissing her.

Waking up felt very cruel and I instantly went into tears. I am now gathering myself and trying to be strong.

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Hi LT,
Sorry that you are in such a painful place personally but glad you found this board and the DB books so quickly.

Thank you for being so open and honest. Are you trying any 180s?

Please keep posting and sharing. The vets on this board are awesome with their support and knowledge. I am a newcomer too and wish you all the best.


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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I have been doing some 180's. I know my wife has noticed them because twice in our therapy she said that I have really surprised her in a good way. Though she says she doesn't believe it will last. Hopefully, she will see I am capable of lasting change. I know I have.

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How's it going? What are you doing to keep your spirits up?


Me - 54
P - 59
Together 5 yrs
She left 4/2012
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I have been working out a lot. I have lost about 15 pounds in 3 weeks. Trying to get out there and meet new people. All of our friends are married and their lives are so busy (like mine was). The the alone time is the worst as I can't stop thinking about the love of my life, my children and our broken family, and the status of things.

I find that an important part of GAL'ing is to find things that REALLY interest you. When you are doing something that really gets your fire going, you can actually take a break from thinking about your relationship. It's really nice to get these breaks.

There is so much time so I haven't limited myself to a couple of hobbies and past times. I am trying new things. Even things that are not that interesting. I figure that if I "as-if" them for a while maybe I can get into them.

I have been doing a bunch of 180's. I am getting my hair cut every 4 weeks instead of 8-10. I went out and bought myself some new clothes. I contributed and will be working at a few upcoming charity events. I plan on going to a few social mixers that one of my hobbies does regularly. I am taking a break from coffee and it's been 9 days since I had a cup. I used to drink 3-4 cups in the morning before even getting to work and another 3-4 during the day and sometimes 1-2 in the evening too. Interestingly, this has been easier than I thought. Though, I think the intense anxiety I have about my separation is what helped me make the transition. I have been browsing places to go on trips with my kids. Though, this has been tough because it's really hard to plan the future without my wife in it. It breaks my heart.

An interesting 180...I have been working on doing all chores immediately. For example, I make my bed the moment I get out of bed. Even when I am home alone for days, etc. Like a "practice makes perfect" type of thing. All dishes get washed the very moment they are done being used. Garbage goes out daily. Laundry is a bit frustrating because I have to wait for it to build up before running a wash. Though I look at the clothes hamper everyday to see if its ready.

Lastly, a 180 I am working on is being alone and being comfortable with that. I have gone to a few lunches now solo and actually enjoyed the peaceful time.

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Great job on the 180s and GAL! I'm trying a lot of new things too. If things weren't so awful this would be a lot of fun. (!)

So many similarities in our situations (struggle with tendency to be critical/analytical, flip of stereotypical gender roles). H doesn't believe I'm capable of change either (plus he's depressed which doesn't help). I don't know what's going to happen but I'm trying to focus on GAL right now too.


M 38 H 38
M 4
T 8
Bomb: IDLY 4/03/2012
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