Just because the debt is not in his name doesn't mean he can't go with you for moral/emotional support so long as it doesn't interfere with his work. Did you ask him to come? (Can I bet on "no"?)
Do what you want with the rings. Whether that's ask his opinion or just sell them for money. But please give serious thought to using this as an opportunity to ask him a couple questions.
Your amazing son is 18 now, and is achieving independence (which is AWESOME). You have been dealing with a special needs kid for a long time now, try and put the focus back onto yourself a bit. Cut yourself some slack. You've done your part to care for others.
And keep thinking of this as a new start. You are starting over financially, use this time to also wipe the slate clean of some of the things that are holding you back.
With Marc being 18 now and finishing up school soon, maybe you can look at moving to a more affordable area (he graduates in May/June right?). Start thinking about your options and what YOU want. Do you want Gabe to move with you if you move? I know things are generally good absent the expressed commitment of remarrying or otherwise making your relationship more official. But maybe you should start looking at options for you, and if he wants to come along, great, but if not it would be awesome for you to be in a position where you didn't feel so trapped.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Oh mish, all that is going on sounds really tough. My wedding ring got stolen in the summer so at least I got compensation, it was the only thing I didn't mind going but as barb says, yours is a different situation. It is tough, but this is a difficult time and all your emotions will be running high.
Deal with one thing at a time, get through the hearing and be kind to yourself. I know you don't like to hear it but your strength is an inspiration to me.
Life is what you make it. Why on earth settle for day to day existance? I know you have several issues that still need to be addressed, can your pastor at church not help with the counseling?
Do you not want Marc to dream big for his life? Does he believe he has limits on what he can do? Do you want him to believe that he can never expect any more than what crumbs he is given in life? I don't think so. You are his role model, start asking for more.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Kat has hit the nail on the head. This is EXACTLY what I was trying to point out. You may want to settle for crumbs (but that is ridiculous - who would?) but you are a role model for your son and if you settle - why should he strive for better? Children live what they learn at home.
I can't believe that you describe your relationship with Gabe as good. It is not good. It seems more like a facade. You are both pretending that it is good but there are many underlying problems and if there is no communication and you are terrified to even ask him what the R is - then it could crumble at any time.
My marriage was a facade too. I think my kids saw us living as less than good marriage a lot of the time and I am assuming they figured that was what normal was. Only now can I see that we were a broken couple and that did not set a good model for the kids. But trying to fix the marriage, moving fwd when it could not be fixed (I'm not saying you need to do that - each situation is unique) is teaching the kids that they deserve the best. They deserve to be happy.
I wish I could say the right thing to help you "get it". You do but you are being too stubborn and stuck. I just hope that's working for you.
Sorry, I've been laying low and trying to collect my thoughts and regroup after my breakdown. That was pretty pathetic. Sorry.
The conclusion I came to is this. What I have is enough....for me. I know it looks pretty weird to others but it's fine for me.
Maybe you have hindsight in your favor. You have better than you ever had before and that is wonderful for you! I'm so glad to see that things get better for some people. Others I know are so strong and are able to do it all on their own and are quite happy to do that. Again, that is so awesome! I am truly awed by those people. That's just not me and I am gradually learning to stop trying to force myself to be like them. I'm me and there has to be a point where I accept that.
Marc doesn't settle for anything. He has a goal, a pretty singular one and I hope he achieves it. He doesn't like to talk about anything personal...gee, I wonder where he gets that. Of course, Marc doesn't process things the way other people do so it doesn't worry me too much.
As far as my R with Gabe, it's fine. We have fun together, we support each other, isn't that what a R is supposed to be. Just because there is no 'exact' definition and no direction doesn't mean it's bad. It just is what it is.
Ok, enough of that nonsense.
What are everyone's plans for Christmas?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I agree with Gineen. The reason we were trying to help you make changes is because you were posting your insecurity with your relationship with Gabe and your desire to make changes. If you have now decided that it is acceptable - it is your life to live. We all care about you and want you to be happy and not to accept less than you deserve. But we don't live at your house and only know what you tell us.
Wishing you much happiness this Christmas and in the coming year!
And I sincerely appreciate it. I get down sometimes because things aren't the way I wanted them to be, but then I realize I'm just being unrealistic. I know what real life is and it's no dream!
Yes, I get envious of what I see other people have. Openly loving and demonstrative R's where there is no doubt of how the other person feels. The thought of being 'taken care of' even if that is only for a few minutes. It's just a nice dream but totally not like real daily life.
Gabe does those things sometimes. It's far fewer and far between that I would like but again...I'm being totally unrealistic.
There are changes I would like to make, wouldn't we all? There just is a time to decide to grow up and no wish so darned much for so darned much. Life is to live in the now, not wishing for something you can't have. That just leads to more depression, at least in my case.
So....no one answered! What are your plans for Christmas? What are your traditions? Are you initiating something new this year?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Christmas plans: We are hosting a drop in Christmas Party for the first time in our new town. We look forward to that. My children are coming up here on the 22 and 23 (Ashley has to work the w/e). So they will be here for Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas morning as will Josh although his parents will be staying at his house as his relatives gather in Toronto (from Quebec and Philly). Christmas day we go separate ways - Ryan goes into respite, the kids and I go to Niagara where we have dinner with all my family and sleep over at Ashley's. Josh heads to Toronto for dinner with his family. (Its just the way we have to do it this year). On Boxing Day (Canadian holiday the day after) I will be visiting my best girlfriends and probably go to the movies, dinner out and gift exchange then I have to drive to Toronto to be with Josh and get Brandon home as he works the next day. I will spend 3 nights in Toronto with Josh and his family - we will be celebrating his and his twin sister's 50th birthdays on the 28 (the same day my ex turns 60). Josh's dad is hosting a big party at a restaurant for the twins - that will be nice. We have a nice dinner out planned for New Year's Eve but we will be home early so Ryan's nurse can leave. We're good with that - find the holidays tiring anyway. So that's it - I have never been away from home that much at Christmas but I will cope.
Since the divorce, I have been buying a real tree again. I don't use my old decorations as so many of them were in memory of our special moments. I usually will get some tinsel and beads. I have a few new ornaments to add on to the tree...cardnials that I picked up in a little shop after we had a regional meeting for work and then a few my aunt bought me too!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
