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#2230728 03/15/12 03:50 AM
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Starsky asked me about an update and it's something that I've been wanting to do for quite a while. I've always wanted my journal here on this board to be something that I could go back to someday to remind myself of everything that I went through, and am still.

Here are a list of my previous threads. I have been reading through them the past few nights to remind myself, to see how far I have come with my efforts to reconcile my M, and to see how far I have come as a person.

I will update in my next post, but in sum, things are very positive between my W and I right now. She is truly trying to get herself to a place where she can commit to reconciling our M. She suggested a marital retreat in Colorado Springs and we did go weekend before last. She has expressed her desire to reconnect with her religious roots. She is talking of moving home when her current lease expires in July. OM is still lurking, but W is at a point where she is very willing to talk to me about what the status of that is. She has stated that she knows that he is trying to manipulate her into changing her mind on her "decision". She tells me that she ignores his calls and texts, and that he knows that she is trying to avoid him. All that said, there is still a lot of emotional turmoil for her surrounding this.

For anyone interested, here is the hell that I have been through over the past 15 1/2 months. This is more for me to be able to go back someday and remember. But there are tons of posts from vets, BITS, and others, that I know can help others here on this board.

1. Hopeful but Distressed. Denver's initial, desperate, post here on this board.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...229#Post2114229

2. Need Advice and Support to keep Hope. Lots of whining by Denver as he was going through the initial stages of S with W, learning what DB was, and learning what he needed to do.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2115704&page=1

3. On Figurative Ledge - Talk Me Down? More of the same. Some seeds of progress.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2118989&page=1

4. I WILL Attain my Goals - Personal and M. Denver learning about unconditional love and setting goals for himself. First time Denver hears that he might have a chance to R M.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2122176&page=1

5. Be the Lighthouse. Denver and W begin to have contact again. He even watches the Superbowl with her!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2126855&page=1

6. The Moment of Clarity. Denver finds out that W has dated during S and/or had a PA. Denver is crushed. Denver's Confession.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2128214&page=1

7. The unexamined life is not worth living. Denver dusts himself off, learns more about unconditional love, learns that this process takes tremendous time and patience. He moves forward.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2129589&page=1

8. Keep... Moving... Forward. That's what Denver does. Some initial healing between Denver and Denver's W.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2131501

9. New Thread. Denver believes that his nightmare is over, that reconciliation is imminent.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2133010&page=1

10. Buffalo. Things continue to progress for Denver and W... Seemingly. Denver's trip to Buffalo with W.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...106#Post2137106

11. Lookin' Back. Things are good... then, danger lurks.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...077#Post2142077

12. The Roller Coaster Keeps Rolling. Denver begins to see the danger. In denial.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...165#Post2146165

13. 90 Days. W treating Denver terribly. Denver is grasping to hold on. Denver sets a timeline that he does not realize has no meaning.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...553#Post2151553

14. 85 Days. More of the same. Denver does a lot of reflection on why he is where he is. Still holding on.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...923#Post2152923

15. 75 Days. More of the same. Deep down, Denver knows that a fall is about to come. He continues to try and hold onto something that he has no control over.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...931#Post2154931

16. It's Over. The confrontation with OM (toilet incident). The big fall. Denver is humbled. Denver decides to end it... he thinks.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...757#Post2157757

17. It's Over 2. Denver's W panics. Calls Denver 35 times in one night. Big talk between Denver and W. Initial boundaries set.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...350#Post2158350

18. OK... 81 days. 6 months in and Denver is still in this. W decides to take time for herself. Denver's W continues to contact him.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...786#Post2159786

19. 74 Days - Who Knows? More of the same. Denver's W takes a trip by herself. No contact.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...688#Post2161688

20. 65 Days... More of the same. Arguing amongst posters on Denver's thread as to what he should do. Denver still hopeful, but things are not right.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...825#Post2163825

21. Will This Ever End? Denver's W tells him that she misses OM. But Denver has trip to Disney with W. About trip to Disney. W calls Denver 'sweetie' and 'honey'... good. Denver finds emails between W and OM... bad. Denver begins to realize that he has no control over any of it.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...339#Post2167339

22. Just Be. Denver hits point of exhaustion. W tells Denver that she is not ready for R. Denver contemplates dating OW. Denver contemplates being done. Begins no contact, again, with W.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...787#Post2172787

23. Just Be 2. Denver hangs out with OW. Is 2x4'd repeatedly. W begins to initiate contact, again.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...928#Post2176928

24. WTF? W angry about OW. W continues to increase contact with Denver. Denver sends W email telling her that he does not want contact until OM is gone for good.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...045#Post2179045

25. WTF?!?!? Artpay Otway. Denver has very little contact with W. W goes through anger phase. Then begins to initiate contact. On Sept 1, 11, W texts Denver that she is thinking of him. Last update.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...614#Post2180614

Update to come next...

Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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Posts: 3,031
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* September - Contact increases with W. I let W initiate all contact. We had a conversation where she tells me that she has ended things with OM because it seems weird now that I have changed. I don't think that I actually began to see W until October. I was focused on work because my law firm fell apart. I had to begin a new one. This took most of my focus, time and energy.

* From October through mid January - contact between W and I continued to increase. There was the one hiccup with w going to the Broncos game with OM on October 30th. Since then, W has told me numerous times that there is nothing between she and OM, and that she is trying to see if we can work things out. She continued to state that she still had continued confusion about our R/M though. No intimacy. She feels awkward about that. She hoped that things would get easier and more comfortable between us. she has recently told me that it has, but that she still isn't there. I heard from her SF that she had told her step sister that she does want to give M another chance. We hung out 2-4 times per week and had some form of contact almost every day.

She asked me if I wanted to spend the holidays with her and her family. I did. Did all of our xmas shopping together. She would have occasional contact with OM. This contact was always regarding step son. He has developed a relationship with OM and likes him. Misses him now that OM is not a part of W's life. Step son has some emotional and abandonment issues that stem from his real dad. W did not want to rip OM out of his life all at once. Told me that as our relationship repaired, and my relationship with step son repaired, that she hoped that R bw step son and OM would fade. I also think that step son manipulates the situation too. But he is 12 and it is hard to get angry at him about any of this. He is too young to be having to be dealing with this. W would tell me every time that OM would have contact with either herself or step son. To my knowledge, W never spent time with OM during this period (other than the football game). Step son saw OM a few times (3 or 4 maybe?), but would pick him up and drop him off. W would not hang out with them. And W would voluntarily tell me when this happened. I think that she was honest about this, bc she could have easily not told me and I would never have known. in early Jan, W mentioned that she wanted to start seeing a therapist for herself to talk to someone about her conflicted emotions, and also mentioned us beginning couples counseling. Said she'd let me know when she was ready. I think that there was definite progress during this time.

* Middle of January - the week of the 17th or 18th or so, I noticed that W was distant from me. I suspected that something was up. The following week, step son left his cell phone in my car. I snooped. Found text messages from OM indicating that he had spent time with step son the previous week and that he had helped W hang some curtains at her place. I confronted W. Her initial reaction was to be angry with me for snooping and hang up on me. She sent me a text later that same night telling me that she has been "trying". That she does not want to lose me, but that sometimes she misses the friend (OM) who she leaned upon when things fell apart between she and I. She said in the text that she is confused, that she is still trying, but that "sometimes it is hard". She explained that OM had come around a few nights the previous week to spend time with step son, that she had asked him to help her hang the curtains, that she probably should not have, but nothing happened other than that and them smoking a cigarette together. I did not respond to her text that night.

The next night I sent her a text telling her that we needed to talk. She responded that she did not want to right then, that she wanted some space. I did not respond. My initial reaction to all of this was that I was DONE, and that is what I intended to tell her. I printed divorce paperwork and filled it out so that it was ready to be filed. Some BITS talked me out of it. Told me that I needed to respond with a big action, but told me that I was not ready to file for D. They asked me to take a few weeks to think about it. I decided to follow their advice. I Decided to just hunker down with my thoughts for a couple of weeks. W and I did not speak at all for the rest of the month or first few days of Feb.

* First weekend of February (SB Sunday) - I flew to visit 2 BITS friends. We spent the weekend just hanging out, drinking, playing cards, and watching the SB. I had not spoken with W up to the night that I arrived to this other city.

The first night, with some sort of strange intuition, W texted me. Said that she was needing space and that is why she hadn't been in contact with me. Said that she hoped that I understood and that she knew that we needed to talk. I did not respond. I was still feeling DONE. The second day in W texted me midafternoon. Said that she was going to be out by our house, asked me if I wanted to meet. I responded, "not today"... she asked why.... I said, "Don't feel like it and I'm not in town"... she asked where I was... I told her that where.... W flipped the f*&k out! Accused me of having an affair, called me horrible names, called my friends horrible names, told me that she hoped my plane crashes, told me that I had not changed at all, etc., etc. At first, I responded by telling her that she had no right to talk to me the way that she was. I did tell her that nothing inappropriate was happening.

I Told her that I was DONE, that she had lied to me, and crossed the boundaries that I had set and that she had agreed to. I told her that I still love her, but that I no longer saw a path forward for us together. This was exactly how I felt. I told her all of this in a calm and respectful way, and all by text. I did not respond to her name calling, nor did I allow myself to get angry with her. I do realize that she is hurting and is going through a very difficult time. In fact, as the day wore on, and she kept texting me, I began to kind of feel badly for her.

W and I texted back and forth until late in the night. By the end, I think that I wore her out with kindness bc she became less venomous. The third day of my trip (SB sunday) began with more angry texts from W. They continued throughout the day and night, and I continued to be calm. I even became loving towards W that evening in my responses. The conversation eventually turned from her insults and accusations, to our R... but still mostly just how badly I had hurt her over the years.

* I flew back to Denver the night after the SB, so Monday. I texted W telling her that I was back in Denver and that my plane had not crashed (tried to make light of her text a little).

She texted me later that night asking me if I'd be interested in going to a marriage retreat in Colorado Springs the first weekend in March. her mom had offered to send us to this christian based retreat when we first got married, but I refused. W's mom has been very supportive of me trying to save the M throughout this whole ordeal. I guess she has been telling W that she would still send us to this retreat if and when W is ready... although I was unaware of this. I was obviously surprised that W was bringing it up now. I told her that of course I would be interested, but that I thought it would be a waste unless W was really going to open herself up to us truly trying to fix things.

W reiterated that she has been trying for months, but that she is still very confused and conflicted. That she is torn bw her love for me, and her thoughts that we are not good for each other and that she should move on with her life. Said she thought that maybe this retreat would give us some quality time together to talk and that maybe the retreat would help us figure out what we should do... move forward and fix things, or move forward with a D. She told me that she had been seeing an individual therapist for the past 2 weeks. She said that she was going to talk to the therapist about the marriage retreat and that she thought she could be open to it. She would let me know.

The next night, W invited me to go have dinner. I declined. Told her that I thought we still needed space and that I preferred that she sort through her feelings more before we started hanging out again. W got angry and said that she doesn't know how she's ever going to feel more comfortable with me if I refuse to spend time with her. I reminded her that she had crossed my boundary and that I was only protecting myself. The next day, step son called me and asked me to hang out with he and W. I relented and took them to dinner.

A couple of days later, step son texted me and asked me to pick him up from school and take him to lunch... that he had somehting he wanted to talk to me about. I did. At lunch, stepson told me that he wanted to talk to me about he and his mom moving back into our house. He said that W had told him that they were probably going to move back this summer. Said he wasn't sure if he was suppose to tell me this. This was obviously a huge surprise to me. so I talked to him about that... his concerns, his fears, etc. W told me later that she had told step son that she had told step son about the possibilty of moving back with me bc she wanted to know how he felt about it.

Since then, W and I have resumed hanging out and talking almost everyday.

* Middle of Feb - after hanging out with W and step son, W texted me later in the evening and told me that we needed to talk. I called her. She told me that she had not had any contact with OM from the time that I got upset about her having him help her with the curtains, up until the previous sunday. She and I had gone to a movie that sunday night. She said that when she got home OM was there. She told me that he said he wanted to talk to her. She told him that "this is not okay. you need to leave. I know we need to talk, but not now". She was surprised and seemed to be annoyed that he had shown up unannounced. He left as she asked. The next day, he texted her to apologize. She ended up having a conversation with him. She told him that she was trying to work on our M. She also told him that his relationship with step son needed to fade bc step son needs to be close to me. She said that over the next few days, she had gotten some text messages from him. That she had ignored most of them bc she wants him to get the point. OM's texts, she says, went from being supportive, ie, "I'm happy that you made a decision and am glad you are happy", to trying to talk her out of it, ie, "I don't understand. You and trent are bad for each other. You don't love each other" etc. W says she knows taht OM is hurt badly and that she is sad that she is the cause of that hurt. She worries about OM bc he has a history of depression. So the day that she told me all of this, she says that she got a text message from OM's sister. W had never spoken to OM's sister before. This was out of the blue.

The sister told W that OM is very upset and depressed, that he believes that if he hangs on that eventually W will be done with me and be with him, even if it is 1 or 2 years from now, that OM has considered contacting me directly to apparently convince me that I don't love W or that we are bad for each other... sister tells W that that she and OM"s family are trying to get him to move back home (east coast), that they are concerned about him, that they think that W should just be harsh with him and tell him that things are great bw she and I even if they aren't yet... that they would like to see W make it very clear to OM so that he can move on. W told me about ALL of this which I think is absolutely huge bc she is opening up to me in ways that she simply hasnt for a very long time. She shared her concern that being harsh with OM will cause him to do somehting stupid, but that maybe that's what she needs to do... but she would prefer to let him down easy. She doesn't know what to do. She said that what she wants is for him to move on with his life. It was hard, but I just listened to her. I did not give her advice, or my opinion. I even told her that "in a strange way, I have empathy for OM". I kidded and told her that I know of a good website that he should go to. LOL. We talked for about 90 minutes about all of this.

W ended up having her mom had register us for the marriage retreat for the first weekend in March.

We spent a weekend up in the mountains together. Slept in the same bed for the first time since she left me. No sex though.

Around this same time, we went to a bookstore to hang out and W asked me "what book was it that you brought up a few months ago?" It was the 5 LL's. She asked me to find it. We spent about an hour doing the LL test at the end of the book together.

March - We went to that marriage retreat. It was really good. Maybe a bit too religious based for me, but W is wanting to reconnect to her Christian roots, and I am open to taking that journey with her. She was really focused on what we learned and was definitely engaged in the projects that they gave us to do as a couple.

At the end of the retreat, they give you projects to do with your spouse at home. I was encouraged that W asked me if I wanted to schedule a time to do the first one this past weekend, which we did. She is definitely trying.

While we were doing the project, OM called her. She ignored the call. Later, with me standing there, she checked the voice message that he left. Apparently, his grandmother died and he just wanted to tell her. Yeah right!! Anyway, she told me that she had not talked to him in a few weeks and was not going to call him back. She said that it is not her place to be there for him. She also told me that she knows that he is trying to manipulate her by contacting her for any reason. She told me that OM knows that she is avoiding him and knows that she has "made a decision and no matter what he says, I will not change my mind".

On a down note, we had a conversation one night at the retreat that was tough. She wanted to talk about her intimate physical relationship with OM because one of her fears is comparisons with me in the future. She told me that our physical intimacy was always about me and my needs, was always very impersonal, that there was no emotional intimacy attached, and that she felt like a piece of meat with me. That it wasn't that way with OM at all. That he cared about her needs, that she could be herself with him, and didn't feel like she had to be some sort of porn star.

Not easy to hear. I got upset during the conversation and ended up reminding her that what she has done is an affair... blah, blah, blah... caused her to defend herself. I withdrew for the rest of the night and was upset. I spent about an hour by myself the next morning and decided that, while it hurt, everything that she had said was true. That I have always had a problem with emotional intimacy and have never attached sex to it at all. I apologized to her and told her that I was glad that she told me. I told her that I want her to feel safe in telling me anything and everything. I told her that she was right, and it was another thing that I need to learn about and work on.

I ended up buying a couple of books at the retreat that talk about this very issue and have been reading them. I really never understood how to make that emotional connection with a woman that they need. I guess it was never important enough for me and I was always selfish with that as well as everything else. Was never given a reason not to be... until now. [censored] that it is another area where OM got over on me.

That brings us to now. W and I talk every day. I see some signs that she is trying to become more comfortable with physical touch between the 2 of us. She has been asking me for back rubs and our hugs are much closer.

We talk about things that involve our M such as finances, our house, things about SS etc. I have focused on doing a lot of listening in all of my conversations with W. I want to show her that I want to know everything about her... and it's true. So I listen to her tell me about the kids that she teaches, about her friends, about her frustrations with her careers, the problems that she has with SS... and even about her R with OM. We usually talk between 30 and 90 minutes per night on the phone when we don't end up seeing each other.

W does not treat me with the anger that she did from the time that she left and even through the early stages of talk of reconciliation (Feb 2011 - July 2011).

W is reading a book on forgiveness that she bought at the marital retreat. I am reading 2 books on emotional intimacy.

We did the getaway project from the marital retreat this past weekend. Part of it was that we had to come up with some ways that we agree to treat each other with love over the next six months. Some of it is still hard for W bc she is not ready to completely commit. But we agreed to:

-Talk and listen without anger
-Open our minds to each other's needs
-To try and put bitterness and resentment aside
-To try and not keep records of wrongs that we've done to eachother
- Acknowledge and encourage each other in efforts to grow and use what we learned at the retreat
- avoid criticizing and judging
- Maintain a positive attitude

We both signed the agreement. smile

I see real effort from my W now more than I ever have through this ordeal.

It could all blow up tomorrow. That I've learned. But I'm hanging in there.

Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
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oh brave denver... labelling this "final thread"... wink

I love your insightful summaries of each of your threads.

Reading through the update and looking forward to trying to keep up with what could be a busy thread... again... lol

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LOL... Nah Kaffe, I'm old news. My final thread? I think that it will be one way or the other. I'm tuckered out. 25MLC once told me that I get sick of being upset and would just stop, kind of like I baby that you let cry until it stops I suppose. But her statement is correct. I just can't go rounds about it like I used to be able to. That is why I had to leave the boards for so long. But you never know I suppose...


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
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*heh* Yeah, I know what you mean. I've been going through another bit of revelation the past couple weeks.

You've had some interesting movement in your sitch. A lot of pursuit / distance play. That was both promising AND frustrating at the same time. It is good to see the two of you where you are, today. Yes... you have learned a lot and have grown a lot...

I'm pretty ready to get myself that new pair of walking shoes. I don't know about some of the BITS that have been around our time frame who have moved on. Navy is still here. So is alamo and JS... some more at my time like JB and Karma... DG and Val... a few others... but we're a dying breed... The only thing that's stopping me from moving on now, is the expected court ordered child support I will likely be obligated for. I need solid earnings in order to afford it. I wait for that.

As always, your sitch averages on the positive side, so that's great. Like I said and I'm sure others will be chiming in here soon... you've come a long way, baby...

cool

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Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
LOL... Nah Kaffe, I'm old news. My final thread? I think that it will be one way or the other. I'm tuckered out. 25MLC once told me that I get sick of being upset and would just stop, kind of like I baby that you let cry until it stops I suppose. But her statement is correct. I just can't go rounds about it like I used to be able to. That is why I had to leave the boards for so long. But you never know I suppose...


FINAL THREAD - Hmmm does that mean we come visit you in a box in the ground?

If not then it is more than likely not your FINAL THREAD?

Lots more life to go Denver.

You are still very young and lots more chapters to write, is what I predict.


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Denver

Good to see you back here and to see that you and your W are making the effort.

I think you had a false "piecing" while you were away.

I say that because your W wasn't commited it seems to me. Letting the OM manipulate the situation and letting him use her son to do it doesn't demonstrate commitment to me.

I hope you are seeing her choose differently as you let yourself back in this time.

You certainly have given her plenty of mulligans long before she showed you she was even on the tee.

This OM thing still worries me for you. She seems unable or unwilling to cut it off whether using the excuse of her son or OM mental state.

I really think that is the obstacle in your R process Denver. It has been a consistent speed bump for you and her.

I really think that if she fails you this time that you WILL be done and I would hate to see that Denver because you have done a lot of work.

And I think this NOT working for you because of her OM trap will fill you with anger and destroy all this work you have done for YOURSELF.

I want for you to value the ground you have made for you here and know that it is VERY valuable what you have done and don't spread those pearls before swine.

You should not allow yourself to suffer foolish behavior any longer.

I think you know what foolish behavior is now.

I believe in compassion and empathy for your W but also know that she is only capable of moving at her own speed. She is and will be bound by her own insecurities as she makes her way back to you.

Your job is to manage and protect yourself from those choices of hers.

You know OM is the poison arrow for you.

If it were me? I would draw the boundary of no contact under ANY circumstance.

If she agrees then the consequence to OM for breaching it is a restraining order.

If she doesn't agree then I don't think I would risk myself to walk into something that I know will cause me pain.

Until she has cut ALL ties to him, and has mourned the loss of that in her life, she won't be ready to build something new with you.

And you are NEW Denver. As we all are, still a work in progress, but certainly a new and better man than when you came here.

Wouldn't you agree?

That guy deserves the life he works toward having.


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Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Denver

Good to see you back here and to see that you and your W are making the effort.

I think you had a false "piecing" while you were away.

I say that because your W wasn't commited it seems to me. Letting the OM manipulate the situation and letting him use her son to do it doesn't demonstrate commitment to me.

I hope you are seeing her choose differently as you let yourself back in this time.

You certainly have given her plenty of mulligans long before she showed you she was even on the tee.

This OM thing still worries me for you. She seems unable or unwilling to cut it off whether using the excuse of her son or OM mental state.

I really think that is the obstacle in your R process Denver. It has been a consistent speed bump for you and her.

I really think that if she fails you this time that you WILL be done and I would hate to see that Denver because you have done a lot of work.

And I think this NOT working for you because of her OM trap will fill you with anger and destroy all this work you have done for YOURSELF.

I want for you to value the ground you have made for you here and know that it is VERY valuable what you have done and don't spread those pearls before swine.

You should not allow yourself to suffer foolish behavior any longer.

I think you know what foolish behavior is now.

I believe in compassion and empathy for your W but also know that she is only capable of moving at her own speed. She is and will be bound by her own insecurities as she makes her way back to you.

Your job is to manage and protect yourself from those choices of hers.

You know OM is the poison arrow for you.

If it were me? I would draw the boundary of no contact under ANY circumstance.

If she agrees then the consequence to OM for breaching it is a restraining order.

If she doesn't agree then I don't think I would risk myself to walk into something that I know will cause me pain.

Until she has cut ALL ties to him, and has mourned the loss of that in her life, she won't be ready to build something new with you.

And you are NEW Denver. As we all are, still a work in progress, but certainly a new and better man than when you came here.

Wouldn't you agree?

That guy deserves the life he works toward having.



100% wisdom. ^^^


Thanks for the update, Denver -- I've been wondering how you've been doing.

I was about to formulate my own post to you, when I read this and realized that TG said it far better than I could have.

As I have posted to you before, OM is not your marriage's biggest problem. I think we have now seen, however, that we were right who told you that he IS your marriage's biggest and most immediate OBSTACLE, however.

I hate to see you -- really, BOTH of you -- doing the intellectual and emotional "heavy lifting," but getting sabotaged by the basic, physiological FACT that is occurring in your wife's brain. Every single contact (text, e-mail, phone ... even NEGATIVE contact) she has with OM just "re-sets her withdrawal clock," Denver, and you two are right back to Square One.

Your thorough (and thoughtful) Timeline just screams it.

I really think you guys are 90% of the way there. When she either decides to (or you insist on) 100% no contact with OM, I believe you will have your breakthrough. The one you so richly deserve.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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wanted to add this final sentence:

The foundation's already been laid, and it is deep and strong. You are SO CLOSE!!!


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
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Thanks guys. There will be no more boundaries or lines drawn in the sand by me. My W knows my boundaries. It scared her when she crossed that boundary in January and she saw that my attitude was apathy... that I was done. I also believe that she is worn out by her own indecision over the last 15 months and is ready to make a decision and actually try.

I believe she is trying. There will be some contact I'm sure because he isn't done pursuing her. But she is also beginning to see that as manipulation on his part.

I'm done trying to force this. What I am doing is to be loving, understanding, and trying to hold her hand as she works her way through this and moves towards emotional growth and healing for herself.

I am good as long as I continue to see signs that she is trying.

But then again, what the f*&k do I know?! LOL

Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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