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I haven't posted here much in the past several months. As I move closer to the 'piecing' phase of my R with my W (I hope), it has come to my attention that I need to learn about, understand, and work on, how I approach physical intimacy.

I have never really connected emotional intimacy with sex.

I have tried to organize in my head what I've learned so far so that I can apply it and work on it going forward in my life.

So far, it appears that women need emotional intimacy much more than I ever imagined. DUH, right?! Well, I guess, as with many things in my relationships, I didn't care much to really learn about this and understand it.

How do we as men make that connection with women? What do women really want in this area? And how does it affect physical intimacy for women?

So far this is how I've outlined the discussion. I'd love to hear thoughts on these things, have people add to them, modify them, tell me that they are cr*p, whatever... I am just trying to learn.

Women seem to need three major things:

1) security. Not financial security. Security in their man's love for them. Security in knowing that their man is a safe place to go to talk about their problems, their interests, their fears, past hurts, etc. Security in knowing that they will not be judged, criticized, or scoffed at. Security in knowing that their men love them no matter what.

2) Acceptance. Elevating a woman's beauty, her appearance, her worth, her value as a woman. Praise and affirmation. This seems to begin by understanding what our wife is feeling about herself. Does she feel good about the way that she looks? Understanding that our society puts impossible and unfair expectations on women to look a certain way... and that this may make them feel unacceptable. We men need to provide them with unconditional acceptance. Somehow show them that we have eyes for no one but her.

3) emotional connection. Help out with things that our wives do, such as dinner, with house chores... understand that these things are important to our wives, and recognize how important that they are and how much energy goes into getting them done. Talk with our wives. Care about the things that she cares about. Understand that the emotion that she shows when talking about things only tells us how important that these things are to her. Go below the surface of the issues of life. Share with her things about our own lives. Just listen and don't try to fix.

----

Curious as to what others will say about this topic.

Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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Have you read Passionate Marriage?

I just started reading it today and it explores intimacy. Can't say much more about it as I'm only on Chap 1.

I'll have to re-read your list tomorrow when rested.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Good to see you around Denver. You're right, it's been awhile! I'm very happy for you, buddy.


M37, S5
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Thanks Alamo! No Labug, I have not read that. Reading "Rekindling the Romance" and "For Men Only" right now. I will start making a reading list thought! Thanks for the suggestion!


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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You've said some good things, Denver. I had to smile, b/c even though you've come a long way, as a man...you naturally have a tendency to want to put those physical things there when women are saying....no, that's not emotional intimacy. smile

I think women love for the man to do all these things you've listed in all three categories, however, I believe that emotional intimacy is opening yourself up to let your mate see inside of you. I once heard the word intimacy broke down like "into me see". In other words, "I'll pull back the physical layer of flesh and let you see into my heart". I'll not only listen to what you share (which you pointed that out in your post), but I'll share with you.

Sharing your feelings about everything. Sharing your pain and your joy. Sharing your goals in life, etc. For men who do this, it may sound silly, but I am M to a man who has never talked to me about any of these things. Therefore, I tend to think there may be other men who do not know how to share their inter most personal selves.

Of course, in a M, you save the most intimate part of your "being" for your spouse.

For me, my LL is words of affirmation. I use to say it was emotional intimacy, b/c I was so starved for it that the lines became blurred. The emotional intimacy was what I needed, and the words of affirmation opens the path to the intimacy....for me.

Women tie their emotions into who they are as a woman and if she is not receiving the intimacy from her H, then she may become very vulnerable to another man.

I also think that emotional intimacy is the things you said about building each others ego and sense of security. Women need to hear more than those three word ILY. She wants to hear why do you love me, how did you feel the first time you saw me, tell me more. For women, it doesn't matter if you've told her that hundreds of times, she still has an emotional need for it.

I always appreciate my H helping with the household chores, but it does not tell me what's in his heart. It's like giving a physical embrace, but it's still not sharing inter feelings. Both of these things can be a LL, but it doesn't mean it is emotional intimacy.

I know females must be frustrating to men, b/c we are complex and we do seem to be all about "feelings". But IMHO, if a woman has that special connection with her H, that makes the MR stronger than just about anything he could do for her. (But don't misunderstand and think I'm saying he shouldn't do the other things Denver has pointed out.) And, it's not all one-sided, b/c both benifit from the emotional intimacy into the physcial. That's what makes it complete.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Sandi! I think that post was great! I also think that most men can probably benefit from reading things like your post and some of these books. Maybe other men here will disagree with me here, but generally speaking we men do not understand how women are wired and even when told or have our first encounter with it, I think that our first reaction, 'man, that's ridiculous', and blow it off. In other words, we think that our women should learn to be like us rather than thinking that maybe we should learn about women, what makes them tick, and what is going to make them happy. So, that's what I'm trying to do right now.


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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I'm not familiar with your sitch, Denver, but I'm curious how you and your W feel about counseling.

Also - I'm delighted to hear a story about someone moving closer to their S instead of farther away. The board should have an honor role for those who have made it.

I'm beginning to see that making it is the exception.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
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Originally Posted By: AlwaysTrying


I'm beginning to see that making it is the exception.



Well, in fairness to MWD and DB, let's face it: people's marriages are usually already at the "CRISIS" point by the time someone lands here, usually reeling. Infidelity, drug & alcohol problems, emotional abuse, financial crises, etc. . . . many, many of these marriages are "dead men walking" by the time someone turns here (or any marital message forum) for help.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Good to see you Denver...Especially with good news on your sitch.


Me: 39
W: 44
SS 24
SD: 20
M: 13
T: 15
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I'm with Labug, currently reading "The Passionate Marriage". I'm also listening to the Keeping Love Alive audiotapes from MWD.

I have a lot to learn!

Hope you make progress!


Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
D final 9/12
Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
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