I'm impressed. Many spouses would throw in the towel in anger or w/self righteous pride.
I cannot promise you that your h will do the work HE needs to do for you to feel safe enough.
Or visa versa.
But you are still here, and that says something.
If you'd asked me 6 years ago what my chances of staying married were, I'd have said "10%"...
but I'm here. And I'm glad I'm here.
Good luck, keep healing!
And be patient....very very patient.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I've read both of your threads, and you're getting great advice here, from various viewpoints, so there's nothing real deep I wanted to add other than this:
If you're wanting to be intimate with your husband again, please use protection. Before letting him back into that kind of relationship with you, I would hope that you insist on a full-panel STD test, and have him show you a copy of the results.
He keeps saying how "sorry" he is. MrBond had a great quote previously about the difference between "regret" and "remorse." If your husband truly IS remorseful, he should have no problem doing what it takes in order for you to feel comfortable in the marriage again.
Is his continuing to be in contact with this OW at work a deal-breaker for you? How much interaction do they have there? He's REALLY playing with fire there, as it's pretty much like giving the pyromanic daily access to the matches and the kerosene.
Starsky
P.S. Although he is rejecting LMing right now, let me ask you this: will he kiss you passionately?
Thanks for your input...in response to your comments/q's:
[b][b]If you're wanting to be intimate with your husband again, please use protection. Before letting him back into that kind of relationship with you, I would hope that you insist on a full-panel STD test, and have him show you a copy of the results.
I know I have no way of proving it, but both he and the OW said they never had intercourse. He said he knew it sounded bad, but that somewhere in his mind he tried to justify to himself that it wasn't as bad if he didn't go all the way.
He keeps saying how "sorry" he is. MrBond had a great quote previously about the difference between "regret" and "remorse." If your husband truly IS remorseful, he should have no problem doing what it takes in order for you to feel comfortable in the marriage again.
He does keep saying how sorry he is - maybe not in those exact words...but he will say things like he doesn't feel like he even deserves anything from me right now...he feels terrible, wishes he could go back in time, etc etc. He has said a few times he thinks counseling is needed for us, so as of now I'm convinced he's willing.
Is his continuing to be in contact with this OW at work a deal-breaker for you? How much interaction do they have there? He's REALLY playing with fire there, as it's pretty much like giving the pyromanic daily access to the matches and the kerosene.
Interestingly enough, his workplace closed down 2 days ago - so they shouldn't need to see each other at all! No, it wasn't a dealbreaker - only because he was really clear about what he had told her (that what they did was a mistake and he wanted no further contact with her). She has called his phone once since, the other night but didn't leave a VM. When he told me, I asked if it happened again could I please contact her. He said yes. They will likely need to see each other one more time - everyone at his workplace was instructed to show up at the same time to collect their final paychecks. I'm considering asking if I could come with him. I feel like it's the only satisfaction I can get right now, by letting her see me and that he's still with me. No?
P.S. Although he is rejecting LMing right now, let me ask you this: will he kiss you passionate[/b]ly?[/b]
We really haven't done anything except he holds me every night when we go to bed. This a.m. he kissed me when he woke up and said I love you. I'm really nervous to kiss him - we've kissed passionately a few weeks ago but it just seems as wrong as being together. To me if he isn't ready to be intimate with me, then that includes kissing. Maybe it sounds weird but I'd prefer all of it - I don't want to have to stop at kissing.
P.S...clearly my trying to put your questions in "bold" showed no real difference to my answers - also in bold. I'm not going to make it as an editor....
I understand Starsky's point about the STDs...and the testing.
I could be wrong, but I don't think it's necessary in your situation.
It's YOUR LIFE and I don't want to advise you to be dangerous, but for ME if I were in your shoes
I'd find it depressing but I don't know your h. MY H is an MD and the idea that he'd
sleep with someone who had sores on her genitals or any sign of disease and not use protection was just insane.
If there were OWs for him they'd have been other MDs...
but don't get me wrong. I am only speaking for my situation and to let you know that not all people say you have to get tested.
My DB coach and I discussed it and agreed not needed in my sitch.
Be careful and be wise. Decide what's right for you and give yourself time.
If you do want the testing, don't say it in a way that shows disgust with him. That won't get you anywhere. Show concern...make sense?
Also stop "asking IF" you can go to see them interact. GO if you want.
He ought to be happy you have a relatively easy way to see them interact without public embarassment, or making a scene.
It's the least he can do, seriously.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
P.S...clearly my trying to put your questions in "bold" showed no real difference to my answers - also in bold. I'm not going to make it as an editor....
Suggestion use the PREVIEW POST button before you post to see what it will look like.
I understand Starsky's point about the STDs...and the testing.
I could be wrong, but I don't think it's necessary in your situation.
It's YOUR LIFE and I don't want to advise you to be dangerous, but for ME if I were in your shoes
I'd find it depressing but I don't know your h.
I'm sorry, 25, but this is possibly the most grossly irresponsible thing I've read on here in a long time. When it comes to being medically safe, when a spouse has had an active affair, whether or not it's "depressing" is really no concern to me, nor should it be to anyone. If Bestgal has any doubts about this, she should ask her OB/GYN, and follow their advice. I'm really not advising anything that a good doctor wouldn't also recommend.
Besgal, I want to caution you in that you're trusting that your husband is telling you the truth right now. HE HAS ALREADY LIED TO YOU, and when people get caught up in affairs, they LIE -- period.
Now is no time to operate based on your FEELINGS. Do what your HEAD tells you is the right thing to do, and do some research about infidelity. You are projecting onto your husband your own values, and he's simply not in the same place right now.
I'd find it depressing but I don't know your h. MY H is an MD and the idea that he'd
sleep with someone who had sores on her genitals or any sign of disease and not use protection was just insane.
This is ridiculous. I can't can't believe I'm hearing this in 2012.
You realize 30% of women show no symptoms from chlamydial infections. Left untreated it can lead to infertility and has been linked to cervical cancer. And it's completely treatable!
HSV can show no signs as well.
That belief that one can look at a person and tell if they have an STD, or that protection is 100%, is just ignorant.
After my wife's affair, I got tested.
If it would have managed to happen we were to reconcile, I'd DEMAND she get tested and I wouldn't worry one single bit about her *feelings*.
Well then it's settled, testing it is. I agree that I shouldn't be taking my H's word at face value when he has in fact lied very recently. The thought that he could be lying about "going all the way" makes me ill, but the thought of catching something would really make me ill!
