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I just realized that I was well over 100 posts and wanted to start a new thread to keep things clean, sorry I didn't notice sooner mod smile

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I just sent a very brief email with minimal details and will be going DARK during my visit to my fathers. I will be sure the kids know to contact me at any time, but don't intend to talk to or text H while away.

I called the insurance company and will select a therapist, get authorization and schedule ASAP

One step at a time. You are right about not being hungry. I had a handful of walnuts this morning and feel like I've been to an all you can eat buffet. Emotions are crazy!


-Autumn

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I sent this:

Just wrapping up some packing, and called the insurance provider re: a therapist for myself.

I will be leaving after the kids get home and settled.

I need some time to think, get some counsel from trusted professionals , and to make some decisions.

I will send a text to let you know I arrived safely like I promised.

-----
His response is:
Thanks for the update, I appreciate it.

Please take care of yourself – I have everything covered at home.


-Autumn

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Very good, Autumn. If you feel the need to respond to him, or even proactively call him or text him something, please post here first. We'll talk some sense into you. wink


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I promise that I will, and definitely could use the support to keep from texting initially.

He texted a short while ago re: our insurance so he can call a therapist too. I responded but kept it professional. He then got personal and asked if I ate, and told me please don't forget to eat. I haven't responded.

I keep shaking my head and saying "this is not supposed to be happening, this is not my life"

I know that I am not alone in that, sadly this club is way too big already.


-Autumn

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Autumn -

Good Lord! You are so sensible in a crisis! KEEP THAT UP!

You know where to find me... for an ear, a cry (long distance!), and, always a good laugh if you like...

And, if you really want to feel better, we can talk about my headaches! (joke, well, uh, not really...)

Go be by yourself. Go clear your head. It's really time to NOT THINK.

If you feel the urge to txt him, txt me instead! I'll send you back silly responses to get your mind off it!

Or as Starsky said... post here! Everyone will bring you back to SENSIBLE!


Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
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Originally Posted By: Autumn Leaves


He texted a short while ago re: our insurance so he can call a therapist too. I responded but kept it professional. He then got personal and asked if I ate, and told me please don't forget to eat. I haven't responded.



"Gee, honey, it's not really my job to make you feel good about your affair."

(and no, don't text or tell him that, but geeez!!) crazy

He's trying to "white-knight" you now. Now that HIS very actions have wounded you, he's trying to act like your savior. Blccccch. sick sick laugh


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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AL, go DARK now. Enough texting. Your job right now is to settle your mind. That is a difficult enough task to accomplish on its own.

You are NOT there to placate him and you should not be telling him anything. That INCLUDES not texting him to let him know that you are safe. Give him time to weigh in the consequences of his actions. I agree with Starsky that he should feel like he has lost you.

This means NO CONTACT whatsoever with him. If he was truly worried about your well-being he would have thought of that beforehand.


M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married
4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
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Oh Autumn,

I just finished catching up on your thread. Let me "organize" my post here.

1) cry OUCH!!!! So sorry for the kick in the stomach. I want to hug you

2) mad what an idiot HE is! I want to slap him.

(okay I concede that given the situation HE finds HIMSELF in, (b/c this is not about you)

he is at least SAYING the right things...Later on, you can decide if YOU see ACTIONS that are consistent with his words,

but even then, there are no guarantees for him anyhow,

b/c it seems to me YOU are deciding TWO things; whether

a) HE is taking enough appropriate action to repair the damage in a way that you could believe and forgive

AND (even if he is)

b) whether YOU want to be married to him anymore, period. You guys have issues separate and apart from this.

Finally and most importantly, let's work on

3) your action plan..here are some suggestions, to get you started...

obviously, ignore what doesn't feel authentic, or is premature for you.

1-Get with your buddy or the support group there, to have real life help.

2-See a c for yourself, as I think you planned.

3-Get legal advice, b/c knowledge is power. You need "DO" nothing with the information but it's nuts not to have it. And it's empowering to have that information --b/c

if you do decide to stay and work on things, you will know the decision was NOT made out of fear of "change" OR unrealistic financial fears.

IOW, you'll make your choices based on what is most likely to make YOU happy now, and in the long run.

You will not make choices based on fear, which was a goal you set for yourself in late January.


I bet he'll try to see a mc or IC or whatever, and
I'm not saying he shouldn't do the workshop, b/c frankly it's about the only thing I might believe of him at this moment.

MC isn't bad --I usually love it! But in this sitch with all his stuff and history- Weekly counselling or even bi-weekly mc, imho, won't be enough for YOU to believe in

and it might not break down the walls your h needs for you to see his "essence" - what he's really like inside and what good he's truly capable of...or likely to give. IOW, will weekly MC sessions get you to KNOW the answers to-

"who is this man, and who is he becoming?"

That's all on HIM. But if you are open to it and if he goes, at least it'd be penetrating (for lack of a better word). I think you'd believe in it more.
But that is premature right now. We don't know that he'd go, don't know that it'd get through to him OR that you'd be alright anyhow...but it's somethihng to ponder that would give me a tad more hope than some new mc handed this "unpinned grenade", meaning, a very fragile m.

and we know your h has issues separate from the marriage so, he'd need an IC too if he doesn't do the workshop.

(Heck, if it were me and IF I were open to the idea of working on things, he'd have to do both or all.)

You'll have to decide now where to go and what to do for YOU. Try to see that as freeing if you can, although that will take time.

This situation is a real test of meeting/keeping that goal of NOT letting fear be such an influence in your life. But now, you have tools you lacked before. Use them.

Any support meetings coming up? How is your r with your "buddy"?

Also, I'm going to try and reach out via Eric w/your first name. If we connect at a bad time for you, just say so!

So sorry for such an early test.

Remember, YOU know who YOU are, inside & out--and that you are a lovable loving woman. You did not "cause" this. Here's a quote I found relevant today.


‎"You have to go through life reminding yourself how incredibly valuable and important and terrific you are. Then you will never have a question about relationships again. There will be so many people wanting to be in your life."
- Dr. Wayne Dyer

remember this^^^. I'll be in touch soon.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
if you do decide to stay and work on things, you will know the decision was NOT made out of fear of "change" OR unrealistic financial fears.


Exactly. I want to applaud you for getting your ducks in a row and taking care of yourself through this crisis. That alone shows that you will get through this, no matter what. You have the ability and resourses inside yourself to make the right decisions, even though it won't be easy by a long shot. I feel like we all slog through this and then one day wake up and notice that it's not such a slog anymore, and that we are happy. You will get your new (better) chapter, Autumn.

Mimi


M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids.
Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12
Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12
Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
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Thank you all so much! Your support is so helpful when I doubt myself.

25 I do still go to regular support. My original buddy is a younger girl and I have connected with a woman my age who is my acting buddy. She's been helpful. I called a therapist today and hope to have an appt soon.

Feels like walking in quicksand today


-Autumn

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