Not too much to report. I've been dark on my wife since December. We only speak in regards to the D which I will mostly likely sign the papers when we do our taxes together.
Intellectually I am ready to let go of my m. My heart struggles to catch up with my head. It creates scenarios and creates feelings that if I am able to step back... I can say "that makes no sense"... but in the moment I perceive very differently.
It's been almost a year and I still struggle with the fact that my w doesn't really want anything to do with me...
I believe that love is a choice and the fact that my w chooses something different... hurts like hell.
I believe out of this whole process, this is my deepest wound and the one that will take the longest to heal.
And the pain still creates emotions that sometimes makes me want to stop being dark. To go back to small talk when we speak and bail her out of things. To try and rescue and fix her negative feelings about me... as if I had anything to do with how she created them in the first place.
But small talk doesn't equal her wanting a relationship with me.
And her guilting me or giving me opportunity to rescue her... doesn't mean I should.
Of course it's not like we talk frequently.. but these things tend to happen almost every time we talk....
.... so I remain dark.
I know dark IS healthier for me. It stops me from doing all of that. It allows me to feel what I feel and even if I don't agree or completely accept what she feels, she can still feel them w/o anything from me.
My last post talked in response to 25 questions talk about living in fear alot with my w. This fear has been built up over years of our toxic relationship....
....I am at the point of recognizing it....but it's still difficult to not let it consume me..... even harder to not let it influence my decisions.
...so for this reason I remain dark.
In some ways, going dark has been one of the hardest things I've had to do for myself. I also believe it may be one of the most loving.
Outside of my w, I am doing really well. My career continues to progress. My relationship with friends and family continue to get stronger.
I continue to get stronger.
I believe these good things come greatly in part because I have made DB a way of life.
It was recommended that I practice DBing on my friends and family.. so I did.. now I extend it to co-workers and even people I don't really know.
and it's been pretty amazing. My latest experience included my last feature in which I worked with a girl who after our first day together called me "aggressive".
I didn't necessarily agree as my job requires me to be somewhat of a hardass.. but it didn't matter.
Those were her feelings and I was sad she felt threatened. I was sad she felt that way about me.
I could have said "You're wrong" or ignored and just kept going. After all I didn't agree, so If I know I'm not agressive... what does it matter?
But then again....
I really want people to enjoy working with me. I really enjoy building new relationships with crew members.
I really wanted to have a good time on the show and she deserved the same.. and that couldn't happen if I was doing the status quo.
So I spent two wks acknowledging all her feelings. Things that she felt was agressive.. I didn't do...
...and after it she came up to me at the wrap party and gave me a huge kiss on the cheek and said.. "I'd really like to work with you again".
So I got exactly what I wanted and fulfilled her needs by DBing!
There are so many selfish ways I could have gone with that sitch....
...but I'm learning that the more you give.. the more you receive.
If you want to be loved.. show love.
If you want good things to happen... do good things.
It seems easy but it's sooo hard because we, as human beings, tend to be very selfish...
...but I'm learning that I am getting exactly what I want in life.. because I am giving it first.
I don't think I would have learned that without DB. I don't think I would have learned it (at least not any time soon) without my S.....
...and in that way.. I am very thankful.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
You are by the far the one poster I have learned the most from. I relate to you in so many ways, and I can feel your strength in your words. You have come a long way, and I am so proud of you.
Like you, I have also been dark. It is very hard at times and I miss him terribly but I know it is healthier for me as well. The right thing to do is usually the hardest.
I also agree that DBing is a way of life. It saved me from a path of self destruction and even though my M wasn't saved as a result it has made me a much better woman.
Girl, I know some day you will receive all the love you've given to others. Nobody deserves it more than you.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
@ mr mr - I'm glad you found the words comforting at the time. I too have experienced moments where posts were life savers.
@ DG - Thank you! You've grown by leaps and bounds. It's amazing to see how much we we've all grown this year.
Journal -
Feeling weird the past couple of days. I've been really missing my w the past few days. It's been a good bit since I've felt this form of sadness.
Perhaps it is because I'm experiencing awesome things in my life. Had a Sunday morning get together with the assistant director from house.. Now I'm part of playing with cars in the desert.
Im starting to do all the things we moved out here for me to experience.. It's sad she's not part of it.
It could also be that we haven't spoken in a few wks. Since our last conversation we haven't had much to discuss and she has let me be since I stood up for myself.
My guess is that because there is no tension, the good stuff is starting to surface. It makes me wonder if she ever feels the same which is pointless.
I think it's time for me to delete her on fb. I went dark on it two months ago to clear my head... Now I'm avoiding goin back on caz I don't want to sever my last tie to her.
I realize that nothing is final but it all seems soo forever. It seems that when I delete her.. She'll be gone forever.....
That scares me greatly.. But I guess I need to remember that if she wanted me to be part of her life... She would fight for me.
*sigh*
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
"Intellectually I am ready to let go of my m. My heart struggles to catch up with my head. It creates scenarios and creates feelings that if I am able to step back... I can say "that makes no sense"... but in the moment I perceive very differently.
It's been almost a year and I still struggle with the fact that my w doesn't really want anything to do with me...
I believe that love is a choice and the fact that my w chooses something different... hurts like hell.
I believe out of this whole process, this is my deepest wound and the one that will take the longest to heal.
And the pain still creates emotions that sometimes makes me want to stop being dark. To go back to small talk when we speak and bail her out of things. To try and rescue and fix her negative feelings about me... as if I had anything to do with how she created them in the first place.
But small talk doesn't equal her wanting a relationship with me.
And her guilting me or giving me opportunity to rescue her... doesn't mean I should.
Of course it's not like we talk frequently.. but these things tend to happen almost every time we talk....
.... so I remain dark.
I know dark IS healthier for me. It stops me from doing all of that. It allows me to feel what I feel and even if I don't agree or completely accept what she feels, she can still feel them w/o anything from me.
My last post talked in response to 25 questions talk about living in fear alot with my w. This fear has been built up over years of our toxic relationship....
....I am at the point of recognizing it....but it's still difficult to not let it consume me..... even harder to not let it influence my decisions.
...so for this reason I remain dark.
In some ways, going dark has been one of the hardest things I've had to do for myself. I also believe it may be one of the most loving."
---***---
Val:
I appreciate your eloquence...I feel exactly the same. My heart has not caught up to my head and I find it's infinitely easier to detach/to let go when I don't see my WAW. The few times I have seen her in person, it is difficult to not start "bargaining" in my head. In those moments I try to remember that as you stated, she has no desire to be in a R with me and thinking otherwise is not healthy for me. However like you said, accepting this fact is the most difficult and toughest wound to heal.
Sigh...so be strong my friend and keep doing what you've been doing...it is the right path.
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
Sounds like you are doing great, Val. It is indeed a very tough road but one that gets easier the more that you travel upon it.
Personally, I would un-friend your W from FB. I understand your concerns that it is scary, and only you will know when it's time to do it, but it's one less way for your W to hold sway over your emotions.
I haven't visited my W's FB page in over three months, and it's been one of the best decisions that I've made. I don't think my heart could take what I might find there. It's made it so much easier to move forward in the long run.
Val, Perhaps I have been lucky, from almost the beginning W has blocked me from seeing any of her FB activity. If she were simply not my friend on FB I would still see an occasional comment, blocking me in the manner she has done keeps all of her presence invisible. So it is as if she does not exist on FB. This has been healthy for me. I have not cared enough to overcome her blocks. If I really wanted to I could find a way to access her page. It seems tiresome to do so.
Early on other family would tell me things she had posted. After I asked them to stop doing so they would allude to something posted. It took time and effort avoiding picking up that bait for them to cease offering to tell me details of what she was saying and doing.
I understand maintaining a connection. I hope one day to care so little that if I see a posted comment it will be as if just another friend of a friend posted it. IDK FB will probably be gone by then and we will all have moved on.
You are reaping fruits of the seeds you’ve sown. You have done this. You have enabled this growth. Keep focus on the good. I am happy for you. (((())))
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I guess I need to remember that if she wanted me to be part of her life... She would fight for me.
*sigh*
Thanks for this. Something that I struggle to remember, too. When postive things happen in the R, I am tempted to think that my h might want back into our M. But that thinking leads only to pain. If a WAS wants to be back with us, they will let us know in no uncertain terms. You sound somewhat sad, but determined in your post, which sounds like an emotionally appropriate place to be at this point. Good luck.
Mimi
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
