CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
How much longer will her affair last? #2218761
02/04/12 09:23 AM
02/04/12 09:23 AM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
N
NSweet Offline OP
Member
NSweet  Offline OP
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
I asked this question to Michele on facebook but I would like to hear what the rest of you have to say as well.

How long after discovery and confrontation will the affair last? I gently confronted my WAW (of 25, me 24) about her EA again Sunday without any pressures or arguing and found out it's been going on for 19mo. Divorce is already in the works and will be done May 9th but I see signs that this is not what she wants. She's miserable with her new life struggeling to work a job she hates, she's taking antidepressants to deal with the pain of this, and I know she's already lost her dad, her dog, and her baby sister needs heart surgery. She normally can't go a week without talking to me and says in some way how she misses me but I find each time I'm only comforting her so she can continue the affair. The OM she is dating is 23, he smokes pot and cigarettes, drinks heavily, and going nowhere with his life. From what I've heard he's jealous of us talking and her friends don't like him at all. In short he's everything she didn't want me to become. Should I go dark for a few months and allow her the time needed to end the affair or keep contact to a minimum?

P.S. After I confronted her on Thursday (whoops said Sunday) she texted me "good morning" Friday but I didn't have it in me to respond. Then Saturday I got a message she viewed my ancient dating profile I haven't used since we met. I viewed hers and found she put up pictures she knew I liked but the general message was how indipendent and mature she was with lots of "!!!!" after certain sentences. Yeah right "mature". I'm sure she still uses that site to IM the OM. I texted her "goodbye" on Sunday and got back "Take care" almost immediately. I haven't done anything to keep in touch with her since then but I know she can't go a week without hearing from me.

Re: How much longer will her affair last? [Re: NSweet] #2219182
02/06/12 02:20 PM
02/06/12 02:20 PM
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 685
G
greenblue90 Offline
Member
greenblue90  Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 685
Sorry you find yourself in this sitch.

Do you have any kids?

As for time it's hard to say, you two are young (I'm 28 btw) sounds like your wife thinks the grass is greener on the other side. IMHO go as dark as you feasibly can, if she calls you to "vent" or for support, just tell her that it is not fair to you for her to come to YOU when she broke your heart, not the other way around.

The time will just depend on how stubborn she is. She may never come back. She may rather live in squalor with a dead beat than acknowledge she was wrong.

Re: How much longer will her affair last? [Re: greenblue90] #2219275
02/06/12 07:18 PM
02/06/12 07:18 PM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
N
NSweet Offline OP
Member
NSweet  Offline OP
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
No kids together. Although, her baby sis was kind of like our "daughter". She calls my W everyday and keeps asking when I will come back. I've been concerned about her dealing with all of this because she knows something isn't right. And I want to hear from her before her surgery should anything happen and I miss my chance to.

As far as I've seen the emotion affair fog has worn off since I confronter her before and then again a week ago. She's guilt ridden and depressed and it's hard for me not to act like her husband right now and comfort her when she's feeling down, but I can't keep giving and giving and not getting that same comfort in return.

Here is what Michele said,

Since you use the term "going dark," I know you re familiar with Divorce Busting principles. That's great. YES, you should definitely go dark. It sounds like she's miserable and if you always pick her up, she can have her cake and eat it too. She is taking you for granted right now. Don't be her safety net. Let her see what it's like without you. Don't be unkind, just don't be so available. I will love to hear what happens in a few weeks or months if you follow this plan. If you have trouble with this, call a Divorce Busting coach for support. You are on the RIGHT track, for sure!

I couldn't have put it better myself! I've been considering this and I'll see how 12 weeks of going dark goes. At least that gives me 2 1/2 weeks to talk to her before D-day, then about a year after to start over.

Re: How much longer will her affair last? [Re: NSweet] #2219763
02/08/12 02:04 AM
02/08/12 02:04 AM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
N
NSweet Offline OP
Member
NSweet  Offline OP
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
God I'm havin nightmares about this. Yesterday I dreamed about my time in the Navy when I felt like the world was out to get me. I went home and she was gone, only that was the nightmare. In reality she was the sweetest and most supportive person I've ever known and I treated her like s*** back then. Then when I 180d it was too late and she got involved with this jerk that's disrespected me and been pursuing her for years. From what I hear he's using her to support his financial needs and pressuring her for sex then not doing a thing to help hr out.

I woke up crying my eyes out after for 30min. I'm doing better with my GAL but that was only after complete saturation from thinking about this for days. What hurts is knowing she is gong through the same thing but won't ever admit it to me. I see the misery every time she calls an I cheer her up but I'm only enabling her.

She knows I've 180 like crazy and calmed down so much since then and painstakenly gotten rid of some addictions and bad habits that drove her away. So her expectations of me are a lot better but the last words I said were "goodbye J" in a text. I just couldn't talkto her after exposure of her EA. I didn't even try to deny I was dating (I'M NOT! I'm DBing), but I got tired of her constantly asking me and then losing interest when I said I wasn't, so I let her think I was w/o PA. I don't know if it was right or wrong. I'm losing motivation. And I use to be so good at this.

Re: How much longer will her affair last? [Re: NSweet] #2221335
02/13/12 03:08 AM
02/13/12 03:08 AM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
N
NSweet Offline OP
Member
NSweet  Offline OP
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 37
I am having a hard time lately feeling anything for her except betrayal. When I think about how in the last few years I have done things for her and her family that only a loving husband would do and not getting anything in return. I've given her family what little I had so the little ones could eat and went back home to starve for a few weeks. I have poured my heart out and given cards and annivrsary presents when she was only pretending to love me and gotten nothing in return. I haven't had a valentines day card or an honest "I love you too" in nearly two years, andy she gives this loser presents with my money and loses her rings to a pawn shop. She still wants to be friends but frinds don't ignore me and then call me expecting for me to pick them up when they're down only to ignore me again.

I've worked for over eight months and I don't know why I bother anymore. What's the use in trying to pull her back?

I don't think I can love her anymore.


Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004