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#2218673 02/04/12 01:16 AM
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Last weekend while out with our dance friends, a round of drinks were ordered. The idea was to drink them quickly and then kiss your partner. My W looked annoyed. Our friend asked her why she wasn't kissing me. I probably looked embarrassed. I felt like a terrible secret had been exposed. My W then proceeded to launch her tongue down my throat, in full view of our friends.

I'm going to read the book, in spite of the one objection, but agree it must translate into action, not more introspection. There may be some useful guidance in there.

My W has been cooking me breakfast (eggs, oatmeal, orange juice) and dinner (meatloaf, homemade salad dressing). I encourage her new interest in cooking. The breakfasts have cheered up my mornings. The dinners have a calming and bonding effect, that I don't get in restaurants. We remodeled our kitchen years ago, but have failed to enjoy it together. She used to want to dine out several times per week, but lately has been wanting to cook at home.

I've taken all the confrontations and advice and have decided to start a new thread and title. The title represents the ideal I am striving for, passionate masculinity in my own style.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Sep 2003
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I received my copy of Passinate Marriage and began reading it. The author recommends that I do so without my W knowing about it. I like some of his initial ideas about marital and sex therapy:

1. Hold onto yourself.
I'm so focused on my performance I lose myself in the process. I need to get myself into the sexual R. I think he also means holding onto yourself in the R as well. Becoming a bolder version of me will enhance intimacy and sexuality. I get to keep working on that masculine-feminine mix of who I want to be, but show it for the world and my W to see.

2. Sexuality is a powerful window into who we are.
I'm curious to see what I learn about myself. I'm guessing that I've been holding onto some longstanding patterns that need to go--avoidance, anxiety.

3.It's the shift from impersonal sex, like boys have, to having sex like a man.
I need to learn what having sex like a man involves, because I doubt that I've been doing it.

The book has my attention, and I'm eager to learn. It's written by a psychologist who can write clinically yet in an engaging manner. Thanks for the recoomendation.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
I need to get myself into the sexual R. I think he also means holding onto yourself in the R as well. Becoming a bolder version of me will enhance intimacy and sexuality. I get to keep working on that masculine-feminine mix of who I want to be, but show it for the world and my W to see.


CL, this jumped out at me. I realize that we are all merely somewhere on a continuum between "100% masculine" and "100% feminine," but why do you feel the need to find a "masculine-feminine mix" ?? If you've decided that where you are on the male-female continuum has skewed too far female, than you should be seeking some "100% male" behaviors and activities that push you more to the man side of the equation, yes?

If your wife were posting here, where on that continuum do you think she'd like CL to be ideally? Where were you on it when you two met, and she became attracted to you?

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Here are some other ideas that lay the foundation for what I'm going to read:

1. Intimacy is not always soothing and often makes us feel insecure.
I have to get away from the ideas that conflict is bad and something to be avoided.

2.Marriage prepares us to live and love on life's terms.

I'm feeling more hopeful that our marital problems can be worked thru. He's normalized what I'm going thru, so I don't feel so flawed.

3.Sexuality as the stage on which you play out your life's drama and rewrite your script.
Sex therapy in my past focused on technique and sex exclusively. He frames sex therapy as personal development. I've done a lot of work on personal development over the years. I'm more prepared to move the M forward than I've ever been.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
If you've decided that where you are on the male-female continuum has skewed too far female, than you should be seeking some "100% male" behaviors and activities that push you more to the man side of the equation, yes?

If your wife were posting here, where on that continuum do you think she'd like CL to be ideally? Where were you on it when you two met, and she became attracted to you?

Starsky


I think I was too far feminine when we both met, and have been too feminine for the entire marriage. Who gets to determine the mix? It seems I should create the mix I'll be happy with. I don't like her ratio. I do need more on the masculine side, regardless of whose ratio we're looking at.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
It seems I should create the mix I'll be happy with. I don't like her ratio.



I hate to say it, but perhaps you're just not compatible, at least sexually. Was there ever a period in your relationship where you were?

If you're not willing to compromise in this (without losing your own authentic self), I think she has shown by both her past dalliance and her current statements and behaviors that you WILL lose her.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Sep 2003
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309

I hate to say it, but perhaps you're just not compatible, at least sexually.


Rationally, it would be hard to argue with you, given our track record. A faith perspective, would argue that we can aspire to being sexually compatible, in spite of our history. I'll keep reading Passionate Marriage, out of faith.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
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Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener


2. Sexuality is a powerful window into who we are.


I've been doing some thinking and writing about this statement, becsuse it resonates with me. If you look into the window of CL in his twenties and thirties, it is lacking in color, emotion, sensuality, fun. It's quite a functional room, filled with books for reading. There is a telephone that never rings. A door that is usually closed. This is hardly a setting for connection and intimacy.

The room today has dance shoes, the books are still there, music. The phone rings more often. The door is now open slightly, hoping visitors will come, but still wanting privacy. The window is sometimes open, letting the sounds of the world enter.

There will be no passion without intimacy. This means moving into relationship with others in a healthy way, while holding onto myself. This means letting go of regulating autonomy via isolaton and distance and avoidance, and abandoning connection. This will be a 180 for me.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,778
Member
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Posts: 1,778
Highly differenitated people have strong emotional bonds, according to the author of Passionate Marriage. In other words, hold onto yourself during conflict.

My W has been making breakfast for me on a regular basis. I used to keep my books on the kitchen counter, because I used that area to read while she sleeps. She scolded me for not be more inviting to her to sit together in the mornings. This is a change. I wasn't used to to her wanting to do that. I've removed the books, and only bring them back when she's asleep or doing her own thing.

I'm having some adjustment issues at work due to a new supervisor, who's been in her role for six weeks. She manages very closely and wants to be involved in conflict between collegaues or employees and clients, rather than guiding us to resolve it on our own. I've let my W know about the adjustment problems, as I've been bringing the stress home. This will be another R where I will have to "hold onto myself", and not let this person define or overly control me.

CL


CL 53 W 54
M 20 yrs.
03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL
10-14' Piecing

"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."

----Tao Te Ching
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 535
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Quote:
She scolded me for not be more inviting to her to sit together in the mornings.
While her methods could us a bit of improvement, this seems part of a pattern in recent posts. From where I sit, your wife has begun saying and doing things that seem to indicate she wants to spend more and better time with you. It does seem there is somewhat of a thaw occurring on her part.


Me 44 She 46
S13 D9
M18 T23
3 years DB'ing
Successfully busted
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